I’ve tried to post this three times, but I keep chickening out. I hope that this is the right forum to post in.
I’m a happily married man (I bet most of you can see where this is going). I’m falling for someone that I work with. I mean, she’s all that I think about. If I hadn’t met my wife, this woman and I would be perfect together. We have all of the same interests, the same tastes. And she’s gorgeous. What should I do? I will include more details later if anyone responds. Really, I’m not some lecherous asshole who can’t keep it in his pants. I keep my emotions and my libido in check. Nothing like this has really happened to me before. Please, I would appreciate any input.
CF all I can say is stay away from this other woman while you are married!!! IMHO adultry is the worst thing you can do.
I think more info is needed to give any advise options though. Do you have kids? Do you still love your wife? Is she married or have kids? Does she have the same feelings?
We’ve been married six years, and we are expecting our first kid in about a month, which all goes to make me feel like that much bigger of a jerk.
I really doubt that I would go through with anything with this other woman. At least, I hope I wouldn’t. I mean, if she offered. . .
Anyway, I do love my wife. I admit that our relationship has become somewhat…for lack of a better word…predictable. It’s a comfortable relationship that I cherish.
But, my God! This other woman intrigues me to no end! She’s my spiritual and physical ideal.
I’ve heard it’s not uncommon for people to develop interests in other people around life-changing events, such as a first child. I’ll try to dig up support for this, but I wasn’t surprised to read this.
As for what you can do about it… sheesh, telling someone not to think about someone who intrigues them is like telling yourself to clear your mind. It doesn’t happen. You could try avoiding her, but that doesn’t really solve things. I don’t know, CoyoteFish; just don’t do anything you’ll regret.
And hey, don’t berate yourself like that. It takes a lot of courage to step forward and ask for advice on this sort of thing.
She is not your “spiritual ideal” ferkristsake. You are getting nervous, because when the baby comes, you feel you are going to be "locked in & no escape’, and you have latched on to this other woman as some sort of escape hatch.
Go get counseling. You love your wife, but you just are worried that once the baby comes all your options are over. Bud, when you released that magic sperm bullet it was all over THEN. If I was there i would slap some sense into you.
You do NOT love that other woman. It is just a weird pysch thing guys go thru when they realize another commitment is “locking them in”. I’ll bet you were going thru similar stuff when you were about to be married, right?
All right, you have not done anything stupid yet (right?). So, get it out of your mind, or go see a shrink.
What advice are you looking for? I mean honestly? It seems pretty straight forward to me. Either leave your wife and be with the object of your fancy (assuming she even wants you) or stay with your wife and concentrate on that primary relationship. Soon to include a child.
In ten years time, what do you visualise your life being? Can you live with being the kind of crumb who runs out on a newborn kid?
This other woman only seems perfect and may be as someone else said a kind of escape when you are about to be faced with a life altering event, namely the birth of your child.
You are about to embark on one of the most wondrous and challenging adventures you could ever imagine, the adventure that is parenthood. I can tell you that you would be robbing yourself, your wife, and this child if you miss the boat.
Why did you marry your wife in the first place? If you have a comfortable relationship with her that you say you cherish you are a lucky man.
Well, geez, I didn’t mean don’t think about her…that’d be like telling you not to think about purple spotted elephants. I just meant don’t do anything you’ll regret.
The “7-year itch” isn’t just an empty cliche. You’ve been married for long enough that the initial mystery is gone, she’s been pregnant long enough that you’re forgetting what it was like before she turned into a walking fertility symbol, probably she’s been thinking more of the upcoming baby (and maybe you have too) than of your marriage…in short, a perfect recipe for someone else to start looking pretty good to you.
I’m sure this other woman IS intriguing and attractive. I firmly believe that there are a large number of people out there whom each of us would find “ideal” if the circumstances were right. That doesn’t mean your wife isn’t ideal for you too.
Some cheap & quick advice: try to remember what it was that attracted you to your wife in the early days. Why did you marry her? How would you like your relationship to evolve? If you feel like you know her inside and out (that she is, as you say, “predictable”), try to look at her in new ways and get some insight into the parts of her you haven’t gotten to know yet (and those parts exist, if she’s not unbelievably shallow). Try to think of some ways you could explore new frontiers in your relationship with your wife (and try to have all the sex you can, since once the baby’s born you won’t be getting more than 15 minutes of peace at a time for a few months). Dwell on these things and try to think about your wife in a romantic way as often as you think about your coworker. See if you can make your marriage a little less routine. Six years is no more than Act I of a marriage if you hang in there. There can be a lot more to come, and you and your wife can make it anything you want it to be.
In the meantime, if you can’t stop thinking about this woman, maybe you should go ahead and let yourself have a crush on her, as long as you can do it without acting on your fantasies. If you can always keep in mind that it is not reality and that you won’t be doing anything about it, a crush is a harmless thing.
It’s not bad to THINK about another woman. It’s actually starting a relationship with her that would mean you’re being an asshole.
Dispensing wordy and bossy advice at the least provocation since 1978
OK, for the record, I’ve never been married. But, I can say from experience that when a relationship gets to that predictable stage you start looking around a lot. It’s happened to me everytime. I’m with a girl for 2-3 years, and then decide I’m ready for something new. So, I leave her and go for something different. I still regret leaving one of them. For the life of me I can’t figure out really what made me do it. I guess what I’m trying to say is this: you’ve been with this woman for 6 years, and I’m guessing you were seeing her for a while before you got married. And, you’re happy. I know a lot of couples who don’t make it through the first year of marriage, much less 6. Don’t screw it up. You’ll regret it in the long run. My parents have been together for almost 25 years. Does that mean they don’t think about or look at other people? Hell no. It does mean that they don’t act on them. Have a crush on this woman if you like. There’s nothing wrong with that, but whatever you do, don’t act on it. Just an unmarried guy’s $0.02.
Oh, be careful Coyote. Your life is so much longer (and potentially fuller) than you think it is. A crush is one thing, an infatuated affair when a baby is on the way is something else. Right now your judgement is clouded. Don’t lump your wife, your baby, and your promise of commitment all in one basket. Take them all individually, think hard about each one, and ask yourself if you are really willing to give up any single one. Then remember that if you do this hurtful thing, you will lose all of them. As a woman, I mourn for your family. This makes me want to stay single forever. Who deserves trust? Who would I dare to love? Good people do stupid things and it makes me so sad.
You CAN recommit yourself to your wife and your marriage. You’d be surprised at how responsive your wife will be if you pay her some extra attention, now and how much it will benefit you! I think you’ll find your love for her growing again.
You can think about this other woman all you want but, you’ll be happier in the end if that ALL you do. Believe me, I know.
Hmmm… start playing out how you think things would work out. You start something with this woman. Let’s say you get along great! You really start to like her. She likes you. Three months down the road you find yourself in love with 2 women at the same time. And you have a new baby! Wow! What fun!
Your wife starts to notice that you’re acting different. Trust me, she will, no matter how hard you try to hide it. Seeing as she loves you, she starts trying to find out why you’re not your usual self. Imagine yourself looking straight into her eyes, and assuring her that you love her and nothing is wrong. Take it one step further - she suspects you’re having an affair, and you have to look her straight in the eyes and lie to her. Boy, that sounds great, doesn’t it!
This other woman - she’s probably an OK woman, too. Imagine she’s gotten attached to you, and you occasionally go out, have a good time. Then you go home to wife, she gets to go home and think about how great a guy you are - wining and dining her, then going home to wifey. She starts to question what’s up. You get to look her in the eye, too, and lie to her. “I’m really unhappy at home. I’m just staying for the kids. I’ll leave my wife someday.”
Bleah. Don’t do it. Maintaining two incompatible lifestyles is no fun. If you want to hear from people who’ve been there - done that, do a web search on infidelity. There’s plenty of message boards out there where people in the midst of affairs will tell you exactly how much fun it is after the first couple of months. I suggest you just take the easy way out, and just drive some nails through your skull. It’ll be less painful in the long run, trust me.
I can’t resist offering some amateur psychoanalytical advice as well.
Having been a 8 month pregnant woman on more than one occasion I know that a woman in this state is definitely no day at the beach.
Right now I’m sure your wife is probably tired, feels fat and unattractive, and not quite as amorous as in her non-pregnant state. I find it quite ironic that after the tittie faerie comes, a woman’s breasts are off limits now. (those are for the baby) Also, you have been replaced as her sole emotional focus. And I’m sure you have been kept abreast of the checkups and are more aware of her inner workings than you ever really cared to be. There is absolutely no mystery left to this woman is there? Add the ugly maternity clothes, feet too swollen to put a pretty pair of heels on much less stockings & garter belts and the raging hormone to this mix and you have one unsavory mess. The icing on the cake is that you are probably ignored whenever you are with your wife cause pregnant women draw more attention and comments than a blue light special.
I’m sure that your co-worker is a very nice person, but, it isn’t really about her. It’s about you and your perfectly normal feelings. That said. Just because these feelings are normal for a man with a wife of six years who is 8 months pregnant doesn’t mean that you have a license to act on them.
I don’t know exactly what your relationship with your wife has been up to this point. But if there really isn’t anything wrong other than boredom and infatuation, I think you should wait it out at least a year. Don’t do anything drastic for God’s sake.
Now I’m willing to try to see things from both sides. If after a REASONABLE time you are still feeling restless and unhappy you should discuss your feelings with your wife. DO NOT SAY I THINK I’M IN LOVE WITH THIS GIRL AT WORK. Think long and hard about the true pros and cons of severing a long lasting marriage, leaving your child and pursuing another relationship. Get counseling. Give your wife the benefit of the doubt. Listen to your heart and your head and I’m sure you will make a decison that only you will know if it is right or wrong.
We just celebrated our 27th anniversary last week, so I do have a little experience at this. It hasn’t been all peaches and cream. It would be insane to expect a blissfull existance without any hardships. It is this very sort of thing that makes you treasure a long-time relationship.
