Dear Paul,
I made a date with two guys for the same dance! I really want to go with the dreamboat, but the nerdy guy asked me first. Whatever shall I do?
Signed,
Broken Nose In California
Dear Paul,
Yesterday the parents of one of my son’s classmates called to say that my adorable son had hit their boy in an unprovoked attack. They “claim” that my sweetums, age 11, has shoved several children in the class for no reason and also thrown sand into kids’ eyes. Of course I know this can’t possibly be true as my little boy would never do anything wrong. Also, I am getting notes from the school saying the same thing so obviously those other parents got to the teacher and lied to her about my son.
What should I do?
Signed,
Protective Mom
PS - I know the teacher’s home address, if that helps, and I am pretty sure I can get her unlisted phone number from a friend of mine.
I would advise against a Porsche, as that would be too obviously flamboyant. an Aston-Martin would better suit your needs here. Otherwise, I say go for it. I mean, what are your neighbours going to do? Kill you?
Sell your car?! Hell, you should sell your grandmother over this one. We all receive emails from Nigerian philanthropists, and it’s important that we encourage their generous behaviour. After all, Brother Smith is offering you a once-in-a-weektime opportunity.
Remember that he picked you specifically, probably because of your reputation for generosity and kindness, combined with your good business sense. Don’t let the side down here!
Dear Paul,
Should I start a land war in Asia?
My first thought would be that you should get a friend to dress as you. You take Mr Sex, and she takes Mr Nerd. You may have to pay her for this. The nerdy guy will be so overwhelmed that you agreed to go to the dance with him that he won’t notice that it isn’t actually you.
Try to avoid meeting yourself at the dance, as it could prove to be embarrassing.
This is one of these situations where we must lead by example. After all, children learn by observing and copying their parents.
So, you need to acquire some weapons (not lethal ones, we don’t actually want to murder anyone here) and head round to the teacher’s house. If you can find the addresses of the parents who made these accusations, so much the better - include them in your rounds.
Handled properly, your son will realise that it is absolutely wrong to make false accusations of violence. Oh, I know he wasn’t violent, of course, but it seems better that he learns by example than from experience.
I’d advise against it for now. Very few one-man armies have successfully attacked targets in Asia.
Well, actually, I don’t know. How well-armed are you?
I love this thread so much I’m subscribing to it. It’s better than Cats. I’m going to view it again and again.
Paul-
I want to scratch it. Should I?
NC
Dear Paul,
I am worried about my boyfriend, who we will call Al. He has become such a megalomaniac lately that I can’t stand it. He wants to take over all of Europe and reshape everything. Can you imagine that?
On the other hand, he does have a philanthropic side. He talks about developing camps for certain religious groups.
So, should I dump him or what?
Signed,
Eva
Do you want bad advice about that?
Hell yes. Actually, if the itch gets really bad, Black and Decker manufactures a few products that could help.
We need to tread carefully here, or we may end up in a major conflagration.
Actually, screw it. The guy sounds like he needs more blowjobs. I mean, think about it - would Woody Allen have inflicted all those movies on us if he’d got enough head as a teenager? I think not.
You know what you have to do.
[real-life note: sorry, kinda hard to be funny about this one 
]
Sorry, I have really dark sense of humour. I’ll curb it in this thread, though.
Hey, don’t worry. I just struggled a bit, that’s all
Dear Paul,
I live in a country where the ruler is Really Stupid. While I’m sure that Someone in life has told him the old joke “Q: Of what One Thing must you be sure of before a thousand mile journey to do battle with your Enemy?”,
A: That you make sure that the thousand mile journey is your enemy’s."
he acts like he’s just to stupid to comprehend the answer. Sometimes it feels like no reasonable action that I take or suggestion that I offer ever penetrates the Amazing Density® of his skull. Moving is not an option, as my family has shed a hundred times more blood creating and protecting this country than his has ever done in ruling it.
Q: How can I, as one man, make a difference in making my little country a better place…?
Dear Paul,
I am an obscure local politician who tried to overthrow the Federal government from a bar. I’ve built up a couple battalions of loyal followers, and figured out how tanks and airplanes can work together for the betterment of the Father. . . er, local community. My question is, I’m thinking of taking a “vacation” in Paris this spring. Should I go?
Tripler
Much obliged!
I think you need to vote Republican, or whatever the equivalent is in your little country. It’s important. See, those guys believe in small government, so if your rulers are acting like idiots, it’s a pretty safe bet that the right will ensure they stop doing so. And of course, no-one who believes in “small government” would even consider extending that government to, say, another country.
Well, I scratched and now the worms’ heads are showing through the skin. Now I need to know -
What should I name my new friends?