Ask The Terrible Advice Fairy

Send in any questions you want on advice, matters of the heart, manners, cooking, home repair or hobbies, and they will be answered by my friend, The Terrible Advice Fairy.

The Terrible Advice Fairy will be happy to advise you on most any matter! Of course, his advice will invariably be terrible…

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy,

What do you recommend to help put me *in the mood * with my husband that will help turn me into a raging sexual beast?


Frumpy, Dumpy and pffffffft.

Dear TAF

i have all these exams coming up in a couple of weeks, and i’m way behind in the study.

but all my favourite shows are on tonight, should i watch them?

Dear TAF,

Last night I dreamt that I was turned into a robot and so I went to the police to find out who stole my body. Then I went to the hospital but they couldn’t fix me.

What should I have for lunch today?

Dear TAF,

I desperately need your help. This morning, I woke up in a bathtub full of ice with both my kidney’s missing.
Should I go to the hospital? And more important, can I have a couple of beers before I go, since hospitals make me nervous.

Kidneyless in Knoxville

Dear TAF,

I dream in a dream that I was dreaming a dream in which I was dreaming that I am sending a message on the SDMB to the TAF. How do I wake up from this dream? Is this reality or dream?

Ahem. I don’t want to get all legalistic and all that, but I would appreciate a disclaimer that the Terrible Advice Fairy is not associated with FairyChatMom, FairyChatMoose, or FairyChatEnterprises[sup]TM[/sup]. After all, I have a reputation to maintain. Let’s just keep this friendly, OK?


Dear TAF:

My boss is an idiot. Do you think I should tell her?

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy,

I’ve been dieting and have lost a few pounds. How should I reward myself?



Dear TAF,

I’m designing a web page, and I’m using FrontPage because my coding isn’t too good. Do you have any suggestions how I should design it?

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy,

I’ve been a public school teacher for three years now, but it’s terribly stressful work, and I don’t get along with the boss as well as I’d like. How can I best deal with the difficulties of my job?

Dear Terrible,
If a person is never welcomed, does that mean they’re not welcome?

Dear TAF:

I found a body in the woods last night. What should I do?

Disclaimer: The Terrible Advice Fairy is not connected in any way with any other Doper with “Fairy” in her/his name. Following the Terrible Advice Fairy’s advice could be hazardous to your health or financially ruinous.

Dear Frumpy;

If you really want to get yourself all hot and bothered, I can’t think of anything sexier than having your man dress up as Michael Jackson, including a Michael Jackson mask. That Diana Ross-cum-Tin Man face will melt any girl’s heart. For the full effect, dress yourself up as Macaulay Culkin.

Dear irishgirl;

Well, DUH! Remember, you can always re-enroll in school. But you’ll never have the chance again to see if Evan picks Zora or Sarah. School will be there next year; Paul the Butler comes but once in a lifetime.


Dear Kidneyless;

Yes, you should go to the hospital. Quaff a few beers first. However, when you drive to the hospital, don’t flash your lights at any car you see with its lights off - street gangs initiate new members by having them kill people who flash their lights! And don’t call an ambulance with a payphone; they put AIDS-infected needles in the coin return slots you know.

Dear twickster47;

Absolutely. Remember, all bosses like getting frank, honest feedback about their personal shortcomings. If you tell your boss she is an idiot I assure you she will put lots of effort into correcting her shortcomings. The more frank you are the better she’ll like it. In fact, dress it up a little. Tell her that she’s an idiot, that she has terrible body odor, and that she was adopted because her real parents hated her. Promotions and bonuses will soon be yours!

Dear TAF,

Where can I register complaints re: Ask the Terrible Advice Fairy? I followed your instructions and had McDonald’s for lunch. It wasn’t very terrible, only slightly. My fries were hot and they actually got my order right! (Special order, ketchup only) Not only that, but I was not subjected to an extensive wait or rude behavior by the employees. I think I would have been worse off at Taco Bell.
I fear the quality of your terrible advice is declining.


Disclaimer: The Terrible Advice Fairy’s advice is intentionally terrible and meant in jest. If you follow the Terrible Advice Fairy’s advice you will end up dead, in prison, or living in a cardboard box eating garbage in the cold. Also, the Terrible Advice Fairy will not always answer all questions, since some of them are too damned strange to figure out a coherent and terrible answer for.

Dear Fisherqueen,

That’s very noble work, but yes, it can be very stressful. I think what you need is something to take your mind off your job, something to help you relax… and what’s better for that than a little ROMANCE? Look around you! Plenty of impressionable young minds and bodies ready to be initiated into the world of love. Start an affair with a student; it’s sure to be relaxing and long as nobody finds out about it!

Dear magog;

Well, I could tell you, but why not just show you the very best, as an example to follow?

The sine qua non of Web sites

Dear not-a-fatty;

You need a snack!


1 box (24) Turtles chocolates
2 cups lard
2 cups brown sugar
2 cups chocolate cake frosting
1/2 cup chocolate chips

Mix Turtles, lard, sugar, frosting and chocolate chips in a big bowl. Serve.

Dear Ethilrist;

Christ, I thought I’d buried that. But it’s all so hazy now… I remember the part where I stabbed and stabbed and stabbed, and then…

…Just cover it up with leaves, wouldja?

XJETGIRLX: Keep eating it for the next ten years or so. Trust me, the terribleness of my advice will eventually make itself clear.

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy,

I’m unemployed. I really should be looking for a job, but the thing is, I don’t want to. I’d rather sit around all day playing War of the Monsters on Playstation, surfing the SDMB, and drinking enormous quantities of beer.

My question is, should I wait until after 5 PM before getting into the bourbon?

—Growing Out, nut Not Up in Portland.

Dear TAF,

Sometimes, due to circumstances beyond my control, I get an erection in the middle of the day while at work. I’m hardly in a postion to do anything about it. It won’t go away and it stings. What am I to do?

Boner in Omaha

Dear TAF,

My boyfriend has a friend that is really cute and as asked me to have sex with him. He is a real asshole but I think I will have a good time if I do it with him, should I go for it or stay faitfull to my boyfriend?

Slut in Texas