Hello, young disciples.
I hold the keys to enlightenment. It is your place to seek such keys.
They are on my keyring.
You have access to them, all you need to do is ask questions, and I shall flood your cranium with my infinite knowledge.
Let the first pilgrim approach and ask the Wise One a question…
O Wise One, I have a question for your infinite wisdom. Pray, tell me, how does one spell “fountain”?
Being an eternal fountain of knowledge does not make you infallible in the ways of typing.
That’s lesson number one.
prettyprettyprettyprettyprettypretty please will a mod fix my title? It’s hard to be an everlasting fountain of knowledge and have to worry about mundane things such as typing
Your timing amazes me, grasshopper.
We in circles of infinite wisdom need not worry about typing. We merely transmit entire thoughts and feelings via a nod.
This mortal coil is hell on my arthritis. Who ever knew that coming back to Earth after 54968976653675 years would be so rough on the joints??
OK, here’s one - if you’re so smart, why are you an English Major?
Ow, no, don’t hit me! I’m sick! Have some regard for the sick old lady…
What should I do next?
Am I as hip as I think I am?
Do you provide 8-ball services as well?
Put down the penis. He’s not the one responsible for your plight.
After that, leave it alone. Purple is not a good color for a phallus.
clears his throat
When company comes over, you can do no wrong
By pulling up your pants and putting down your dong.
I have spoken.
Does your hipness change with the wind? Is it static?
If it is a changing thing, then yes, at any time you are both right and wrong.
If your hipness is on an even keel and you’re asking this question, then you are not as hip as you think, and probably need a titanium part.
I already gave my tongue the Ballpark Frank treatment trying to help you and you try to repay me like this???
English be easy, dawg. I gotz mad skillzzzzzzzzz.
Dear Fountain of Knowledge,
Right now, I am bored with my color choices in the living room, I would like something different. What colors should I choose. I am looking for something that says sit and rest a spell but get the hell out of my home after two hours.
Also, what is a good spot to get some lunch?
I don’t. I should probably look into it, though. Look at it as outsourcing wisdom.
At least I can clear up all the easy questions that way…
…now I know what Cecil goes through.
I heartily recommend painting the walls different colors. On one wall, when your company comes over and you wish to be warm and inviting, have a nice painting on the wall, maybe a reproduction of a famous artwork like Van Gogh’s Starry Night. The color I would recommend for such an occasion is a nice, neutral tone, perhaps even a brown.
When you want your company to leave, you sidle over so you’re sitting/standing in front of the other wall, which has a frescoe depicting an Aztec warrior beheading kittens. Make sure you use the flaming skull border to finish the wall. You don’t want to make the mistake of not making this wall “not busy enough”. Remember, changing the topic is always good. The faster they’re out of the house, the faster you can walk around your own home naked. Just make sure your junk doesn’t bump into all the kitchen countertops. If you make food there, wipe it down unless you want your brine in your food (you cannibal).
Lunch? The Wise One just ate 5 peanut butter and jelly sammitches, but if he could be picky, he’d go seafood. I suggest you do the same. I also suggest you send some over here as well.
I have spoken.
Oh, I like the idea of a fresco with an Aztec warrior beheading kittens. I may go with a simple skull border perhaps the kittens. I am not that fond of flaming skulls. I am a man of simple tastes.
I may go with the PBJ.
As for the kitchen nudity, is brine not the secret of flavorful cooking?
Aztec warrior frescoes are highly underrated in their artistic and make-uncomfortability. Feel free to substitute skull borders with headless baby harp seals. Perhaps that’s more to your liking, you sadist.
There is a difference between salt brine and ball sweat.
Personally, I find that ball sweat makes for better Thanksgiving turkeys, especially when that bothersome relative takes a bite.
What?
Where are my socks?
MENTAL NOTE:
Never ever let loune prepare the Thanksgiving turkey. Heck, never ever let him prepare anything!
Dear Fountain of Knowledge English Major and Future Fry Cook:
Do these jeans make my butt look big?
Have they been washed? Have they been misplaced? Is their black or blue brother misplaced as well?
Are we speaking of the socks that the sock monster pilfers? If so, I have a friend that is rather close to the CEO of Sock Monster and Affiliates. If Mr. Monster is to blame, he sends his condolences, but, and I quote, “Eggs must be broken to make omlettes.” Long story short, he’s telling you to fuck off about your socks. He recommends Target as a decent place to get replacements so he can continue his trade.
Odds are, you’re speaking of the socks that you were going to put on after you got out of the shower. They’re still balled up, they just fell off the couch and got kicked under.
I have spoken.
It depends, are you that troublesome family member? If not, then you’ve got little to worry about. Daddy DOES make a mean pizza from scratch, though. Downright heavenly, I might add.
Wha? Jeans? I’m sorry, I was distracted momentarily by those giant, growing tumors you call “an ass”.
Putting a tarp over a mountain doesn’t make the mountain any smaller.
Do as the Wise One does, wear a daishiki.
I have spoken.