Ask The Terrible Advice Fairy

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Disclaimer: The Terrible Advice Fairy blah blah blah blah is not responsible if you are convicted of a felony blah blah blah.

Dear Growing Out;

What’s this “Wait” thing about drinking bourbon? “War of the Monsters” is way better with a fifth of your favourite whiskey. “Vice City” is better that way too. Get yourself an unethical doctor, fake a back injury, and collect disability so you can spend all your time on the PlayStation and the SDMB.

Dear Boner;

That’s what your fly is for. Unzip and let your schlong stick right out. If anyone objects, just explain that it’s a medical condition. Scrawl something on a peice of foolscap and say it’s a doctor’s note. I’m sure your co-workers will be very understanding if you just patiently explain, “My cock hurts.” Try saying it with an Arkansas accent.

Dear Slut,

  1. Of course you should go for it. If experience has taught me anything, it’s that nothing bad ever comes of these flings. Trust me, there’s no way anyone’s heart will get broken or anyone’s trust will be betrayed. Nobody will ever find out.

  2. Send your phone number to terribleadvicefairy@hotmail.com.

22

Dear TAF

Can you tell me how to get "Slut in Texas’ phone number?

Willing-in-Ottawa

23

Dear TAF,

I think that one slut in Texas could help me with my erection problem. Did I mention that I work out? I mean, sure it’s no big deal that I can bench 275 pounds and play guitar in an awesome rock band. Or that I was gifted with a penis from the heavens. Anyways, send her my way and stop hogging all the puss.

Boner in Omaha

24

What’s the best way to find a natural gas leak?

25

I have it on good authority that this guy on the other side of town is doing some really bad stuff, but his neighbors insist they want to see some evidence before I bulldoze his house. Think I should go it alone on this one?

26

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy:

I’m writing my first novel, and it is progressing slowly. What can I do to finish the book before the end of the year?

27

Dear Atreyu;

Why do all that work? I mean, that can be a real headache, writing all those words. Just go to the library, pick out some books that look dusty like nobody ever reads them, and take chapters out of it to fill up your novel.

Dear Lorenzo;

Ha ha, nice try. I can see that metaphor a mile away. You’re trying to get me to indirectly comment on the Bush administration’s apparent willingness to circumvent the U.N. Security Council in making war on Iraq.

But as to the issue, just blow the bastard’s house up with dynamite. Use that natural gas leak.

28

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy:

I’m in love with a lesbian. I know you’ve heard this one before. Thanks for the terrible stalking advice but I am rather clumsy and would be no good in that capacity. If I can’t win her love through stalking, I am considering a sex change. I can’t afford a real doctor so I am thinking a fifth of tequila, an old razor blade and a little creativity on my part should do the trick. What do you think?

29

I want to exercise my Constitutionally Guarenteed Right to hunt ducks with an anti-tank weapon. Got any good ideas of where to go?

Also, will battery acid make my teeth whiter & brighter?

30

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy:

I just got an email from a guy in Nigeria who wants to sell me his gold cheap. What can I do to keep from getting my luggage searched so that I don’t have to declare the gold at customs?

Your fan,
Getting Rich Quick

31

I am so transparent. :smack:

“The bad analogy above in no way represents my feelings toward world events. If you are a hawk, I applaud you. If you are a pacifist, I applaud you too. Please, no nastygrams.”

32

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy:

I am in need of a career change. I think I would enjoy giving advice, and I’d like to start a regular question-and-answer column to that end. However, I don’t want to wait to be successful; instead, I’m planning to rip off somebody’s existing shtick and capitalize on their hard work, hopefully confusing the consumer population into thinking my substandard copy is on a par with the established brand. My plan provides much greater financial reward in a short period of time than any actual work.

So here’s my question: I need a title for my column, but I don’t want to use the word “Fairy,” because that’s too close. Actually, it’s exact. Anyway. I have two ideas: Should I go with “Dear Ogre,” or “The Suggestive Goblin”?

Also, can you recommend an attorney? Thanks.

Regards,
Ogre / Goblin

33

Dear Bosda;

If you’re going to hunt waterfowl with crew-served weapons, make you you get the added benefit of showing off your hardware to other macho men. Try hiding in the bushes around airports and military bases. That will DEFINITELY get everyone’s attention!

Dear G.R.Q.;

Well, avoiding a luggage search is always a chancy thing. You could just take your chances than you won’t be the 1 in 5 who gets picked on, but 20% is not great odds. So you need to lower the odds. While waiting in the Customs line, point at another passenger - preferably a swarthy one - and scream “SHOE BOMB! SHOE BOMB!” Slip out of the airport during the ensuing donnybrook.

Dear In Love With A Lesbian;

I hear ya, pal. Well, if the stalking/conversion plan doesn’t work, a sex change on the cheap is definitely the way to go. But don’t do it yourself; you’ll faint and bleed to death. Instead, get yourself over to the “poor man’s surgeon” - the veterinarian! Tell him you want to be “spayed.” I think it’s pretty much the same thing. OR maybe it’s “Neutered.” Eh, ask for both. It’s like $200 and it’s outpatient surgery!

There’s nothing I love more than helping young, aspiring advice columnists. What you really need is to create a persona, a character if you will. For that you need a stage name. For instance, my name it’s really “Terrible Advice Fairy,” it’s “Donald Rumsfeld.” I sense that you’re going to send out gentler, more wisdom-of-the-elders advice. Try a gentle sounding feminine name. I can’t think of a better name for your column than “Dear Abby.” Go ahead, use it!

As to attorneys, they are very expensive. Go with one of those firms that gets you out of traffic tickets, like “Points” or “X-Copper.” Traffic law, contract law, it’s all the same stuff, really; you can even represent yourself if you read at least 5 John Grisham paperbacks.

34

Dear Terrible:

We’re flat broke and our kids are starving. I turned tricks all day and now have 20 bucks to spend. After giving it some thought, I felt it could best be put to use in one of the following ways:

  1. Crack
  2. Cigarettes
  3. Lottery tickets

My husband feels I should use the twenty on a cab ride to the food bank. But he’s a bedridden quadraplegic so what does he know? I shoved a sock in his mouth and he really hasn’t said much since.

What do you think?

35

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy,

I’ve got this chainsaw, and it won’t shut off. Is it a bad idea for me to stop it with my genitals? Or would my breasts be a better tool for stopping it?

Sincerely,
the lonely lumberjack girl

PS: If the chinese population all jumped off of chairs at the same time, would it throw the axis off the earth off balance?

36

I really hope the above is intended to be satire or ironic.

37

Are you serious or is that a whoosh I hear?

38

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy,

Hope this note finds you well and that all is way cool in Fairyville. But enough about you.

My boyfriend, a pathologist, is determined to recreate Dr. Frankenstein’s Great Experiment and to that end is loading up our icebox with body parts in various stages of decompostion. This cannot go on, as I have no more room for my favorite food, steak.

Furthermore, there is not enough room in our apartment to swing the proverbial dead cat, let alone build the non-proverbial Super / Monster Man. Please advise!

Thanking you in advance,

Creaky Haverhill Blackwood

39

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy,

I am facing an ethical dilemma of ethic proportions. I know the salad forks are supposed to go on the left, and the dinner forks are supposed to go on the right, but we won’t be serving salad! Should I set the table with salad forks anyway, or should I leave a hideous gap next to the soup spoon?

Hurry with an answer! Lives are at stake!

40

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy,

Sometimes in-laws drop in unexpectedly on a Saturday evening, and boy are they always famished, while my own family has invariably already consumed a Saturday evening meal that couldn’t be beat: leftovers with no leftovers left for the in-laws.

Occasionally when faced with this dilemma. we have few options:

A) Offer them a roast that, lamentably, didn’t quite make it back to the refrigerator the previous night and remained on a kitchen countertop all night, all morning, all afternoon and all evening at room temperature.

B) Offer them the only remaining food in the cupboard, a large can of stew with an odd curvature about the sides of the can; some would describe it as “bulging.”

C) Spend a portion of the $100.00 bill trying to burn a hole in your pocket that a complete stranger gave to you this morning as a random act of kindness. However, take-out will take at least 30 minutes to arrive and your in-laws ARE famished. This option does seem less than considerate to the immediacy of their problem.

D) Confront your in-laws, establishing that their hunger is neither your problem nor your responsibility and that although you feel their pain and have empathy for their situation, you harbor no sympathy for them because they are, after all, independent adults who should take responsibility for their own actions.

This option is fraught with problems, among them, it requires: courage, truth telling, tact, diplomacy, sensitivity and gentleness that transcends human understanding in order to avoid being physiologically killed by one’s wife. Death should probably be considered a foregone conclusion to anyone choosing this option. Let’s take it out of the consideration set, then.

So, A, B, C or something else?