Ask The Terrible Advice Fairy

[Lorenzo]

*Originally posted by Triss *
**Are you serious or is that a whoosh I hear? **

Based on your response, I guess it’s a whoosh to you. I was serious when I submitted it. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

[tracer]

*Originally posted by Lorenzo *
**Occasionally when faced with this dilemma. we have few options:

A) Offer them a roast that, lamentably, didn’t quite make it back to the refrigerator the previous night and remained on a kitchen countertop all night, all morning, all afternoon and all evening at room temperature.

B) Offer them the only remaining food in the cupboard, a large can of stew with an odd curvature about the sides of the can; some would describe it as “bulging.”**

Don’t you also have a few wild mushrooms growing in your back yard that you could offer them?

[Shodan]

Dear Advice Fairy:

I am a semi-lunatic dictator on the Korean peninsula. No one respects me, because I kidnap movie directors, force women to perform fellatio on me while I watch Daffy Duck cartoons, and let my people starve to death while I spend the money on nuclear weapons.

I was wondering if pissing off the most powerful nation on earth would be a good way to make myself popular. What do you think?

Regards,
Boom-maker

PS - I kidnapped some Japanese and asked them their opinion. Then I let them go, and they refuse to come back to my country, so I can’t ask them again. I was considering firing off a missile over their heads to convince them of my good intentions. What do you think? Will it help my image?

[vibrotronica]

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy,

Sometimes I hear a voice when no one else is around. It tells me to set fires. The problem is, it’s not very specific. What should I set fire to?

Thanks,
vibro

[_Deep_F_ied]

Dear TAF,

Paper or Plastic?

[Spiff]

Dear TAF,

Are we there yet?

[Tabithina]

Dear TAF,

I am a natural blonde, but lately I have been seeing more and more “silver threads among the gold”, as it were. I was wondering if you could advise me on a cheap way to dye my tresses and make myself look young again. The operative word is “cheap”— I am on a strict budget.

I await your advice with my hair standing on end,
Tabithina

[astorian]

Dear TAF:

My wife's birthday is coming up, but she assures me that there's no need for me to get her a present, because she knows I love her, and presents are just a silly waste of money.

Should I take her at her word?

                                   - Money Can't Buy Love

[RickJay]

Dear Terrible:

We’re flat broke and our kids are starving. I turned tricks all day and now have 20 bucks to spend. After giving it some thought, I felt it could best be put to use in one of the following ways:

1. Crack
2. Cigarettes
3. Lottery tickets

My husband feels I should use the twenty on a cab ride to the food bank. But he’s a bedridden quadraplegic so what does he know? I shoved a sock in his mouth and he really hasn’t said much since.

Dear Triss;

Well, duh. Imagine how much crack and smokes you can buy if you win the lottery! $20 can become $20 million! Lottery tickets always come first. Invest in your retirement early - and nothing pays off like the Powerball!

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy,

I’ve got this chainsaw, and it won’t shut off. Is it a bad idea for me to stop it with my genitals? Or would my breasts be a better tool for stopping it?

Dear lumberjack;

It depends on the type and brand of chain saw, really. Try the genitals frst though, as hopefully your pubic hair will snarl the mechanism, thus slowing it down.

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy,

Hope this note finds you well and that all is way cool in Fairyville. But enough about you.

My boyfriend, a pathologist, is determined to recreate Dr. Frankenstein’s Great Experiment and to that end is loading up our icebox with body parts in various stages of decompostion. This cannot go on, as I have no more room for my favorite food, steak.

Furthermore, there is not enough room in our apartment to swing the proverbial dead cat, let alone build the non-proverbial Super / Monster Man. Please advise!

Dear Creaky;

It’s clear that you need to upgrade your digs. I suggest moving you and your husband into a spooky, abandoned castle on a hill overlooking a quaint village. To make nice with your new neighbours, hand out gifts. Pitchforks and torches are always useful! Then your husband will have plenty of room and local support for his hideous tinkering in the evil arts.

[RickJay]

Disclaimer: The Terrible Advice Fairy gives advice that only the criminally insane would follow.

Dear TAF:

My wife’s birthday is coming up, but she assures me that there’s no need for me to get her a present, because she knows I love her, and presents are just a silly waste of money.

Should I take her at her word?

• Money Can’t Buy Love

Dear Can’t Buy Love

Trust me on this one; whatever a woman tells you is the literal, unvarnished truth. There’s absolutely no hidden meaning, so stop reading between the lines! If she says “Does this dress make me look fat?” you should respond with “Christ, honey, it makes your big fat ass look even bigger and fatter than usual.” If she asks about a former lover’s skill, tell her “She could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, unlike you, slobbergirl.” And if she says she doesn’t want a birthday present, trust me, she doesn’t want one. Don’t get her a present, and don’t bother with a card or flowers. She’ll completely understand.

Dear TAF,

I am a natural blonde, but lately I have been seeing more and more “silver threads among the gold”, as it were. I was wondering if you could advise me on a cheap way to dye my tresses and make myself look young again. The operative word is “cheap”— I am on a strict budget.

I await your advice with my hair standing on end,
Tabithina

Tabithina;

Well, some would recommend permanent or semi-permanent hair dyes, but did you know those only last as long as your hair grows? Six weeks and you’re going through the motions again. Instead, try paint. I recommend Testor brand hobby paints in enamel or oil. Select a really bright yellow, get yourself an airbrush, and you’re good to go.

[QUOTE]
Dear Advice Fairy:

I am a semi-lunatic dictator on the Korean peninsula. No one respects me, because I kidnap movie directors, force women to perform fellatio on me while I watch Daffy Duck cartoons, and let my people starve to death while I spend the money on nuclear weapons.

I was wondering if pissing off the most powerful nation on earth would be a good way to make myself popular. What do you think?

Regards,
Boom-maker

[QUOTE]

Dear Boom-Maker,

Absolutely. But why stop there? You should simultaneously trigger a war with the world’s most powerful nation AND launch a border incursion against a large Communist dictatorship you share a border with. The more, the merrier!

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy,

I am facing an ethical dilemma of ethic proportions. I know the salad forks are supposed to go on the left, and the dinner forks are supposed to go on the right, but we won’t be serving salad! Should I set the table with salad forks anyway, or should I leave a hideous gap next to the soup spoon?

Hurry with an answer! Lives are at stake!

Dear tracer,

There is no direct answer to this problem. You’re in a paradox loop of manners that cannot be broken by any table setting. So try to avoid the dillemma entirely. A few hours before your guests are to arrive, set fire to your house. Then you’ll have an excuse to go out to dinner. Use a bottle of gasoline; the arson investigators never catch on to that.

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy,

Sometimes in-laws drop in unexpectedly on a Saturday evening, and boy are they always famished, while my own family has invariably already consumed a Saturday evening meal that couldn’t be beat: leftovers with no leftovers left for the in-laws.

Occasionally when faced with this dilemma. we have few options:

A) Offer them a roast that, lamentably, didn’t quite make it back to the refrigerator the previous night and remained on a kitchen countertop all night, all morning, all afternoon and all evening at room temperature.

B) Offer them the only remaining food in the cupboard, a large can of stew with an odd curvature about the sides of the can; some would describe it as “bulging.”

C) Spend a portion of the $100.00 bill trying to burn a hole in your pocket that a complete stranger gave to you this morning as a random act of kindness. However, take-out will take at least 30 minutes to arrive and your in-laws ARE famished. This option does seem less than considerate to the immediacy of their problem.

D) Confront your in-laws, establishing that their hunger is neither your problem nor your responsibility and that although you feel their pain and have empathy for their situation, you harbor no sympathy for them because they are, after all, independent adults who should take responsibility for their own actions.

This option is fraught with problems, among them, it requires: courage, truth telling, tact, diplomacy, sensitivity and gentleness that transcends human understanding in order to avoid being physiologically killed by one’s wife. Death should probably be considered a foregone conclusion to anyone choosing this option. Let’s take it out of the consideration set, then.

So, A, B, C or something else?

Dear Lorenzo;

What serendipity! What syncronicity! The answer to your problem is the same as the answer to tracer’s above; Let it burn, baby!

[Giraffe]

Dear TAF,

One of our cats craps on the floor whenever we leave town for the weekend. This has happened three times in the last six months, and the apartment is really starting to smell bad. How can we keep her from crapping on the floor in the future? Should we pick up the piles that are already on the floor?

[Crowbar_of_Irony_3]

Dear TAF, you didn’t answer my question. Is it because you hate me, you dislike me or because I remind you of someone you don’t like??

~Angryed and Ignored…

[Kat]

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy,

I think my cat is in love with my roommate’s girlfriend. What should I do?

Second Fiddle

[Kat]

Dear Terrible Advice Fairy,

I think my cat is in love with my roommate’s girlfriend. What should I do?

Second Fiddle