About a month ago I imported my boyfriend, hereafter known as HBL, to Salt Lake City for a brief week of fun times before I went back to school. Anyway, we were cruising Sugarhouse (the “Hippy Quarter”) and came upon the “raw foods” health food bar. Among the many services provided was iridology, which is the totally legit and completely scientific method of examining the iris of one’s eyes to see what’s wrong with you. And trust me, if you’re visiting a raw foods store, there is something wrong with you.
Now, HBL and I looked at each other, and joy spread like the light of dawn across our faces.
You see, HBL has only one eye. The other one, incidentally the left eye, was long ago replaced by a prosthesis. It’s a damn good prosthesis, mind you, and the only indication that there’s something wrong is its distressing tendency to stare fixedly at a point just above and beyond the left ear of whoever he’s talking to.
So, we walk in, feeling rather foolish. We don’t belong, mostly because raw foods is damn stupid and we know it (ask me about wheat grass juice, I dare you). There’s a dude behind the juice bar with a stupid headrag of dubious ethnic origin on his greasy locks. The iridologist is addressing a couple of marks–er, “clients”, sorry–who just happen to be young and female. So he’s definitely not paying attention to us.
Iridologist: Hmm…have you tried purging?
Mark: Well, I’m going on this diet–it’s just like, brown rice and chicken–I’m pretty sure that will help get rid of the toxins in my system, ya know?
A young woman, noticing that we weren’t immediately bringing out our wallets, walked up to us.
Woman: Can I help you?
Me: Umm…we’re kind of just looking.
HBL: Well actually I wanted to ask about the iridology? Can you tell me about that?
Woman: [spiel as above]
HBL: Well you see, I suffered from some nerve damage to my eye and I was wondering if I could get it looked at? I’ve been doing a lot of reading about, like, how Odinn lost his left eye and stuff. I’m really into that sort of thing…anyway, how much is it?
Woman: It’s $25 for a reading. Can I set you down for an appointment?
HBL: No, that’s all right, I have to take care of my girlfriend right now (waving a hand at me). Maybe some other day.
Woman: (obviously disappointed) Oh…okay. Well, you take care now!
I meanwhile am trying my hardest not to laugh hysterically, let alone not smirk. We walk outside, and get a reasonable distance before starting in on the belly-laughs.
The next day, we come back. Fortunately the dude isn’t currently in the process of fleecing anyone, so we get the chance to see what he’s made of. I’m armed with a Haagen-Daz bar to hide my smirk, and take great pleasure in bringing such a sinful item inside a health food store.
HBL: [same bullshit as before]
Iridologist: Well, I should really look at your non-damaged eye…
HBL intimates that, if the eyes can be affected by the rest of the body, then the rest of the body should be affected by the eye. This doesn’t get anywhere, so he starts in on how when he gets high his eyes all of a sudden start moving in sinc, and how it sometimes seems like he can see with it.
Iridologist: I mean, what is vision anyway? When you go to sleep, and you dream, you’re seeing things right? [THIS IS A DIRECT QUOTE]
HBL: [still more new-age bullshit. This guy is on a roll!]
Iridologist: Have you tried hypnotism? It might help you, it’s only like 60 or 100 dollars for an hour or so. Or if you want you can set up an appointment and I can read your good eye.
By this time I had gotten distracted (having long since demolished the ice cream) by some sort of miracle soap product that contained “electrically engineered eloptic purified oxygenated water”. Eloptic? WTF? Suddenly we had been extricated from the dude and were heading out the door. We didn’t get a reading of the fake eye out of the dude, but we also ate up a lot of his time without paying anything.
Moral of the story: if you know somebody with a fake eye, get thee to an iridologist!
