Get your horoscopes right here!

ARIES (march 21-April 19)–Your decision to indulge your most inhibited fantasies will awaken long-lost passions and astound forensic pathologists.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)–You’re grateful for the extra attention around the office, but disappointed it came at the cost of one your most cherished limbs.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)–Look on the bright side: The increased flatulence causing you embarrassment and discomfort is providing a much-needed feast for the parasites in your intestines.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)–The creepy smile on your brother-in-law is directly related to your frequent boozing and subsequent blackouts.

LEO (July 32-Aug. 22)–Thanks to the wonders of rationalization, her use of a condom with that guy helps you to begin healing the wounds in this relationship.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)–Virgo’s sorry he thought that was food on your cheek and tried to wipe it off.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)–Isn’t it about time you realize your dreams about the naked Indian aren’t so much about a search for intellectual enlightenment as they are the repression of homosexual feelings?

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)–Those inspirational e-mails you kept deleting would have come in handy. Instead you’ll fail to cherish one moment of the time you’re buried alive.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)–Your reputation among your peers will grow to epic proportions with the discovery of how many barely legal teen sites you’ve visited from work.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)–Laughter is the best medicine. Uneasy laughter, however, is the closest thing you’ll draw from acquaintances this month.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)–Journey to a foreign land is quite possible as NIS officials continue to question your employer.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)–Your appearance on a reality-based TV show is cut short by greed, deception and your vast criminal record.

:: comes back to the sounds of crickets chirping ::

Maybe I should explain that these were my creations, with apologies to The Onion, which always has these types of twisted horoscopes.

Just my idea of creativity.

:: leaves, after hearing one cough, a few ruffles, and crickets continuing to chirp ::

Just a thought, but maybe because you listed all the horoscopes, people have read them but no one has anything to say. Maybe you should have offered personalized horoscopes. I bet then people would have lined up.

Personally, I’m offended that you’ve told the entire boards about the parasites in my intestines. :stuck_out_tongue:

::Picks up right arm from off the floor::

as she claws frantically at the crushing dirt surrounding her, DeskMonkey wonders why, oh why did she make fun of that email about the guy who sent his wife flowers even after he was dead.

Damn, and I thought I had that record BURIED. It all took place in my teens, I swear!

Well, except for that morals charge at 21… :smiley:

To borrow a phrase, great googly moogly, CF. I’m not looking for a second job. I’ve got a needy 3-month-old at home, for crying out loud (which she does if I don’t pay attention to her in the evening). Naw, this list was just to share with the board. Like I said, it was patterned after The Onion’s horoscopes. I hoped to provide some laughter. I was under the illusion I would receive some praise for my creativity. I hoped someone would read these and at least reply with a guffaw.

(BTW, Aquarius meant to write INS officials.)

Thanks to the handful of people who at least commented on my work and the dozens others who at least looked.