ARIES (march 21-April 19)–Your decision to indulge your most inhibited fantasies will awaken long-lost passions and astound forensic pathologists.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)–You’re grateful for the extra attention around the office, but disappointed it came at the cost of one your most cherished limbs.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)–Look on the bright side: The increased flatulence causing you embarrassment and discomfort is providing a much-needed feast for the parasites in your intestines.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)–The creepy smile on your brother-in-law is directly related to your frequent boozing and subsequent blackouts.
LEO (July 32-Aug. 22)–Thanks to the wonders of rationalization, her use of a condom with that guy helps you to begin healing the wounds in this relationship.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)–Virgo’s sorry he thought that was food on your cheek and tried to wipe it off.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)–Isn’t it about time you realize your dreams about the naked Indian aren’t so much about a search for intellectual enlightenment as they are the repression of homosexual feelings?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)–Those inspirational e-mails you kept deleting would have come in handy. Instead you’ll fail to cherish one moment of the time you’re buried alive.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)–Your reputation among your peers will grow to epic proportions with the discovery of how many barely legal teen sites you’ve visited from work.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)–Laughter is the best medicine. Uneasy laughter, however, is the closest thing you’ll draw from acquaintances this month.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)–Journey to a foreign land is quite possible as NIS officials continue to question your employer.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)–Your appearance on a reality-based TV show is cut short by greed, deception and your vast criminal record.