I **never ** speak about her character or personality in a negative way. I try to make it more about the situation.
I actually think very highly of her character: she is a single-mom-pull yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps-kind-of-lady , but unfortunately for both of us, I’m quite decisive as well. The same qualities that attracted her son to me will cause a bit of friction, but I’m hoping that in time she steps aside and lets me assume the role I should rightfully have as his wife. I won’t step on her toes as Mother. She’ll come around, I think. I think weddings just churn up the emotional lakes a bit.
It feels sorority-like to me. If you’re the kind of girl (no derision intended) that takes to socials, then you’re probably fine. I personally get antsy, uncomfortable and restless, even if I like the person. I hate the gift-opening portion, and the only thing I hate more is Gift Bingo and senseless oooohing, as if I, a modern career woman, still had the sensibilities and free time of a frivolous 50s housewife.
It’s not out of a desire to be impolite. The invites for the shower itself were lovingly scrapbook-like assembled, special ribbon tied around them, etc. I just don’t have the time. I just know these end up in the trash and it burns me up to be so wasteful of something most folks hardly even notice.
I’ll probably buy a stack of them at CVS and pre-address them and he can sign and mail them.
People notice thank you cards. They may not notice how pretty they are, but the do notice if the get one or not. Trust me, I’ve heard perfectly reasonable, open-minded women complain about not getting thank-you notes for wedding gifts, it not just stodgy old ladies who expect them. Or may getting invited to rounds of showers and weddings turns reasonable, open-minded women into stodgy old ladies, but if that’s the case then ditching the thank-yous isn’t going to fix anything.
As a general rule, I think you can get away with writing off etiquette conventions when it works in other people’s favor, not when it works in your favor. Writing “No Gifts” on the invite? People who actually wanted to buy/make a present will probably understand. Deciding you don’t have time for thank you notes? People who expected a written note probably won’t understand.
Oh, Flea. Flea, Flea, Flea. I sympathize with being a shower-hater who’s getting a shower anyway. I fully get where you’re coming from on that. BUT!
This is pure bullshit and so wrong-headed I actually felt my heart-rate increase when I read it.
Your shower attendees are coming in the spirit of goodwill, and are offering tangible evidence of their hopes for your happy married life. They will have taken the time to shop for a gift for you, shop for a card for you, wrap the gift and haul their asses to the shower site to spend several hours on a weekend that they would no doubt rather spend doing something else.
You, having received all the benefits of their efforts, owe them a small token to indicate that you NOTICED (even if the ugly truth is that you didn’t appreciate) their efforts.
Writing thank-you cards can be extremely easy. You can even have a little script that you follow for each one:
"Dear so-and-so,
"Thank you so much for the lovely [item]. We will use it to do / it will look beautiful on our . It was great to see you at the shower – I’m so glad you were there!
"Best wishes,
“Flea”
Done. Three sentences, taking a total of two minutes to write. Get your fiance to help address evelopes, and you’re set.
Thank you cards do get noticed. I notice them. Women in all walks of life notice them. Perhaps more importantly, because it’s certainly more damaging, they notice the absence of them. Take what little time is necessary and suck it up.
I know that’s supposed to be a joke and all, but this is exactly the type of attitude that makes me feel like DrDeth said, that the parties are duties and I go and spend money so I don’t get nasty cheapskate glares the next time I go out in public. When I go to a wedding or shower and the guest or host say they’re happy to see me, introduce their friends, tell me to get food, and send a thank you note, then I usually look back and say, wow, what wondeful people! When I go and no one greets me and my present is never mentioned again (since of course, I got fed, what the hell else do I expect), well, thats when the :rolleyes: 's come out.
People notice thank-you cards. I notice them. I don’t get bitter about it or anything, but when I give a gift, it’s generally something that I’ve made myself (I quilt) and have invested hours of time and thought into. Even with a bought gift, I’ve spent time and money trying to find something that will give the other person pleasure and use. No thank you note implies that the recipient doesn’t care about my effort to make her happy. It does not inspire me with love and respect and a wish to do more to please her.
(Especially if it’s a mailed gift; people actually do worry that it got lost in the mail. I sent a beautiful quilt to my old college roommate a few months back, and I haven’t heard a word about it. Now, I love my friend, and I’m not going to stop being her friend, but I’m worried that she never got the quilt. I need to call her and ask, only then it sounds like I’m scolding her for not writing a note–which indeed, she should have done. I put a lot of thought into that quilt and it’s one of my best.)
And no, the wonderful treat of going to your wedding and eating dinner there is not a thank-you. You are grateful that they love you so much that they come to your wedding.
It sure is. Any gift, no matter how small, and even if it is “only” the gift of their presence, is to be noted and appreciated as worthy. (Though you don’t have to write a note thanking people for showing up. It’s a nice thought, though!)
I wouldn’t have minded doing thank-you cards nearly as much if some people didn’t expect them to be handwritten. My handwriting sucks (I don’t think I have written anything by hand that I expected anyone else to have to read since I left grad school), and I hate hate hate writing by hand. If they could be typed, or better yet emailed, so I wouldn’t have to find our stamps (I almost never mail anything, now that I pay bills online), they wouldn’t be nearly as bad. Fortunately, I managed to type some of them, and get Mr. Neville to do most of the handwritten ones.
Not to me, not really. Email is easier to deal with than regular mail, so I’d personally rather get a thank-you email than a thank-you note or card.
I’m kind of surprised how many people have this attitude. It always sounds like a cop-out to me or as though user doesn’t think that others’ time is as important as his or her own.
Everyone’s time is important and no one has enough of it. And that’s exactly why you should send thank-you notes. Someone took several hours out of their life to shop for a gift, wrap it and show up at an event they may or may not have wanted to attend in the first place. Just because you didn’t really appreciate their efforts, you could at least act like you do.
And I know you’re not trying to be impolite, but whatever your intentions, you’ll look impolite anyway.
Hello, Projection! :smack: Again, **I plan on sending some out, just not overly ‘done’ ones. ** I’m merely venting that, like showers themselves, I feel they’re another outdated 50s custom–the handwriting, the whole Martha Stewartness of it, gah. If I say “thank you” with a smile when I get the thing and hug them goodbye and thank them for coming, it seems like all I’m doing when I write the note is satisfying propriety for propriety’s sake, which is fine, but not necessairly something I have to like or be in tune with.
And re: the comment that “women in all walks of life notice them”, well I’m a woman, I walk, who never got thank-yous from 7 out of 10 friends whose weddings I attended, and I don’t harbor any ill will. Much less if the shower was a work affair. I simply don’t think they’re something that is that important or that people would be petty enough to hold grudges or impugn my character over the lack of them. I worry that that statement actually impacted your heart rate. Perhaps a check-up is in order?
No, I don’t take to “sorority socials,” either. Pretending to be friends with roomsful of people I hardly know isn’t a pleasant way to spend an afternoon.
But, even as a modern career woman myself, I enjoy hanging out with 5-10 friends or so friends from time to time.
Expressing appreciation to others is never a bad idea. It never goes out of style, and it will always make others happy and you more popular. There is never enough appreciation or thanks in the world.
Also, I’ve never belonged to a sorority; I just happen to like spending time with my friends. And cake.
Ahem. As a single man in the midwest where “couples showers” are common, I am doomed to not only ponying up for gifts all the damn time, but also suffering through the inane shower traditions without any SO to mitigate the pain.
If you think girly shower games are aweful when you’re a single girl, try sitting through when you’re a single guy. Liberal use of the Death Glare and stating “I. Will. Kill. You.” to the grannies who want to form TP wedding gown teams are vital to survival.
However. I’d rather be invited to my celebrate with my friend, than to be excluded, so I suffer more-or-less in silence. (until the party games start, then I’m outta there)
Also, Flea: for the love of Pete, tell your soon-to-be-MiL now that she will be helping you with the thank-you notes. Odds are, you won’t know half of the people she invites, anyway, and if you’re annoyed at her foisting the shower on you without consent now, you’ll be positively steamed by the time you have to write out 40+ personalized thank-yous to people you don’t really know. And make your fiancee help, too, come to think.
edit: Ah, I see you’re refusing the thank-yous. Good luck with that…
I’m all for appreciation and thanks, too. But those things can be expressed via typed letters, emails, over the phone, or in person- a handwritten, mailed note is hardly the only way to express appreciation. I really wish the etiquette mavens would loosen up on this- it would make a lot more people a lot more willing to offer appreciation and thanks.
When I can email a wedding gift, then I’ll think emailing a thank you is acceptable.
OP, are you being a sort of bridezilla, or are you always this immature and selfish? You know, being married involves doing all KINDS of things you don’t feel like doing. Are you sure you’re ready for that?
Ha! Thanks for the laugh.