That’s the spirit!
It’s pretty rare that we celebrate Calvin Coolidge on these Boards, so here is another one:
Coolidge was elected Vice President in 1920, became President when Harding died, and ran for a full term in 1924. When he ran for a full term, he needed a running mate. His managers asked him whether he would pick one, or allow the convention delegates to make the choice. He said he’d let the delegates choose. When his managers asked why, he said:
“Nobody told them in 1920 and they did OK.”
Stephen Wright may be too surreal to count as “dry”, but one of his that I"ve been thinking about lately is:
Low sodium crackers should be called “ines”.
Funny, I came here to mention Stephen Wright. His best line? “I’m on a roll…”
Anyone who uses dry wit or sarcasm runs the risk of stepping over the line and becoming a jerk. Bill Clements (normally a jerk of the first degree) stood squarely on this line when a Baptist minister asked him if he had ever been born again. He replied, “No thanks, once was enough.”
When Voltaire was on his deathbed, a priest abjured him to accept Christ and renounce Satan. Voltaire replied, “Father, this is no time to be making enemies!”
The way I heard it, the woman goes over to Coolidge, does the “I bet I can get you to say more than two words” thing, and he responds, “Nigga, please.”
From Futurama :
** Leela : ** Guess who just sent me a letter!
**Bender ** : No.
also by Dorothy Parker
“If you don’t have something nice to say about somebody, come over here and sit by me.”
As Talleyrand lay on his deathbed, he cried, “I suffer the torments of Hell!” A friend (I forget his name) sitting up with him replied, “Already?”
I heard this was a saying of Teddy Roosevelt’s daughter Alice. She had it embroidered on a sofa pillow.
When looking for an apartment, Dorothy Parker said she didn’t need anything elegant; “just a place to lay my hat and a few friends.”
Dorothy Parker was a font of wit. In addition to the above, there’s:
“If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.”
“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.”
“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”
(Speaking of Katherine Hepburn) “She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.”
My late grandfather used to live with the family from the time I was six to 19 years old.
Early one Sunday morning, I returned home after a “all-nighter” poker game and looked like I had slept in my clothes. (Which I had.)
My grampa was in his suit looking dapper and sitting in the rocking chair reading the paper when this exchange took place…
Me: Hi Grampa, Where’s Mom & Dad?
GP: They went to church.
Me: Didn’t you go to church?
GP: I went this morning.
Me: (Being a teenage smartass) “Well then - did you pray for me?”
GP: (Without even looking up from the paper…)
“It was only an hour.” Then grinned at me. I went down to bed. I had no comeback for that.
He was in his eighties at the time. I miss him.
.
C’mon people. It was a joke. We’ve all heard the set-up a million times and know he says “you lose” and to hear “fuck you” in it’s place is kinda funny.
This is a bit of a tangent, but since Dorothy Parker has come up, here’s my favorite anecdote about her:
Parker, enjoying quite a reputation for punning, was once challenged to make a pun out of “horticulture”. Her response: “You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”
Speaking of great wit, does anyone remember the joke with the punchline of “which Tyler.” it’s been driving me crazy. something about a grammarian or english teacher or what not.
More Parkerisms:
When told a friend broke her leg, Dorothy replied: Probably did it slidding down a barrister.
“I’ve heard she speaks 19 languages–and can’t say ‘no’ in any of them.”
Her mother-in-law Hortense was only 17 years older than Dorothy, and they shared a mutual hatred of each other. She would introduce herself as “Mrs. Campbell. Not the wife, the mother.”
Henry Thoreau lay on his deathbed. His aunt came to visit him. She asked, “Henry, have you made your peace with God?” Thoreau replied, “I wasn’t aware we’d quarreled.”
“Who led the Pedant’s Revolt?”
I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
—Bilbo Baggins.
I once read a story about a trial that took place in Los Alamos during the time when the US was developing the A-Bomb. A scientist who was well known to the townspeople was called as a witness. He nodded in acknowledgment to the jury as he took the stand. The lawyer, thinking that this familiarity might influence the jury asked, “Would I be correct in saying that you know more than half the members of the jury?”
The scientist responded, “I probably know more than all them, put together.”