Maybe he’s channeling post 121?
But you’re both right: Nobody like cable.
I’ve also read of an instance wherein a small fire broke out (candle fell over, or some such) in Voltaire’s room as he lay on his deathbed, whereupon the Artist Formerly Known as Francois Marie Arouet (to avoid the stylistic flaw of repeating a name in a sentence) said, “already the flames?” I really love those deathbed wits.
I can’t find the cartoon, but it was only a few weeks ago and I laughed for days:
One scene, with a group of folks around a table, and on the screen is a doll that looks like one of the New Barbie looks-- not super pretty, not petit, rather chunky overall. One person comments that it’s nice to see a Barbie that is larger in size and not so ultra-feminine. Another person in the audience chimes in: That’s Ken.
Denton Cooley, famous heart surgeon, was asked during a trial if he was the best surgeon in the world, he answered in the affirmative.
Counsel then asked, “Don’t you think that’s being rather immodest?".
“Perhaps”, Cooley replied, “but you must remember, I’m under oath.”.
Probably not true, but it’s all over the net and Cooley (95 if he’s a day) seems not to have gone out of his way to deny it.
Actually that was a physicist. I cant remember the name.
Some Googling suggests this may actually be a true tale of the last words of Bob Hope:
He was 100 years old, and clearly not long for the world. His wife Delores timidly said to him: “Bob - we’ve never really discussed where you’d like to be buried.”
His response, after a decent pause for thought: “Surprise me.”
It might be a little sharp, but the ripose by John Wilkes to the earl of Sandwich (often attributed to Disraeli) is to good to leave out.
Sandwich: “Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox,”
Wilkes: That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship’s principles or your mistress."
The movie “The Lion in Winter” is full of dry wit, especially conversation between Peter O’Toole as Henry II and Katherine Hepburn as Eleanor of Acquitiane. Oftentimes biting, but one line I remember from 40 years past:
Henry: “I can’t let you out. Every time I do you start a war against me.”
Eleanor: “Aye, I damn near won the last one.”
An apocryphal Frank Lloyd Wright comment, which given his ego might not even been a joke.
Wright was testifying in a court case. He was asked to identify himself, and he gave his name followed by “… America’s greatest living architect.”
Late his wife griped that he shouldn’t have said that in court. He replied, “But dear, I was under oath.”
I send gifts to my sister labeled “To my favorite sister” or “To my least favorite sister”
She is my only sister.
S.J. Perelman, stopped at the door of a theater where one of his plays was going through a difficult rehearsal, was asked “Are you with the play?”
He responded , “Let’s put it this way. I’m not against it.”
Ring Lardner, about his son pestering him with questions. “Shut up, I explained.”
Pretty much every Roger Moore line from his James Bond.
I think wit should necessarily NOT be insulting. It should be clever and funny. It should not be exclusive (ie: rely on words or slang not known to all listeners).
Dry wit means it takes a bit of thought, and is not obviously a joke. But it’s there.
http://www.rants.org/2007/11/28/anecdotage/
*The New York Times probably didn’t fact-check that, since they’re just transcribing a quote: for the purposes of the piece, the important thing is that Cooley told the story, not whether it’s true. But court documents are public records, and it would be nice if someone were to track this one down. If it’s real, then it’s a verifiable instance of an anecdote I first read years ago in The Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes, edited by Clifton Fadiman (a wonderful book that is, oddly enough, neither little nor brown — it’s just published by Little, Brown & Company):
ROWLAND, Henry Augustus (1848-1901), US physicist, professor of physics at Johns Hopkins University (1875-1901). He laid the foundation for modern spectroscopy.
- Professor Rowland was summoned as an expert witness at a trial. During cross-examination a lawyer demanded, “What are your qualifications as an expert witness in this case?”
“I am the greatest living expert on the subject under discussion,” replied the professor quietly.
Later a friend, well acquainted with the professor’s modest and retiring disposition, observed that he had been amazed to hear him praise himself in this way; it was completely out of character. Rowland asked, “Well, what did you expect me to do? I was under oath.”
(This anecdote is also told of others.)
I have to admit, my instinct is that Cooley just appropriated this old chestnut for himself, and that it never actually happened (to him). After all, what expert wouldn’t fantasize about finding themselves under oath for such a question? But I’d be pleased to discover that I’m wrong and that it really took place.
Most of the dry/wry witters that I can think of have been noted upthread, so with your indulgence, I will offer one of my own.
I live in a small town whose population is predominantly religious, mostly of the Jesus variety.
A few years ago there was an effort to build an amphitheater here, and though this is a destination/resort kind of place, there is no way it made financial sense. There was more than a whiff of boondoggle in the air.
A few of us were talking about what uses the proposed amphitheater could be put to, and I said:
ME: We’ve got a lot of Christians around here. All we need are a few lions.
How could I ever convince you when I’m not dry enough (and you’re too damn dry)?
Projammer: (I am aware that I’m responding to a 9-year-old post)
A similar dry joke (one of my favorites) was made about another Burns - Mr Burns, of the Simpsons. He was filling out a form for admittance to the Mayo Clinic, and got to his Social Security Number. “Naught-Naught-Naught…Naught-Naught…Naught-Naught-Naught…Two. Damn Roosevelt.”
The Goon Show could often be chock full of these but tended to be delivered at such a speed you miss them.
One character on being challenged to a duel and refusing:
Calvin Coolidge, to the woman who’d bet her friend she could get him to say at least three words: You lose.
Alice Roosevelt was quite the cut up, and apparently it was genetic. When someone asked the President why he couldn’t control his daughter, he replied “I can control my daughter or I can control the country. No man could do both.”