They can be real or hypthetical. Please, keep the profanity to a minimum. The ideal goal is the well structured insult, that strikes at the core of another with it’s wit and acheives art status from sheer nastiness. Any takers?
I like Anton Laseve (sp?) the church of Satan dude, qoute
“Stupidity should be painful”.
About 20 years ago, I was working in the garment district, as office manager and showroom model for a chain of clothing stores. I had a bit of a crush on one designer, who was both good-looking and very clever and personable. One day he was looking at some of my modeling photos: He whipped off his glasses, looked at me, looked at the photos, and said, “Why, Eve—without my glasses on, you’re beautiful!”
Any wonder I was mad about him?
Yo Mama!
It’s simple, direct, and an old school classic. What other two words could possibly insight such anger and feelings of insecurity in the shortcomings of oneself?
I can’t believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
Tibs.
From Car Wash–
Somebody disses the transvestite, who responds, “I’m more man than you’ll ever be, and more woman than you’ll ever get.”
I heard comedian and pseudo Mafia princess Tammy Pescatelli on the radio program The Bob and Tom Show earlier this week discussing her father, an ex-pro football player. Threatening one of Tammy’s dates, he said, “If I swing and miss you, you’ll die of pneumonia.”
I’m not sure it was an insult, but I thought it was hysterical.
This is more a telling-off than an insult. But I would like to share it, as it’s very funny:
“Chuck you, Farley, and your whole famn damily. You can all go buck a fuffalo, for all I shive a git.”
I don’t know where it originated. A friend of mine used to say it.
Kn(I looove me them Spoonerisms!)ckers
“there’s a load his mother should’ve swallowed”
I thought the Duke of Wellington had a pretty good one. It was quick, witty and made fun of the French Army, all in one short sentence. This might be apocryphal, but supposedly the King of France invited the Duke to a reception some years after Wellington’s defeats of Napolean’s armies. Also in attendance were many of the French marshals whom Wellington had beaten in battle. When the Duke entered, the French marshals all turned their backs to him. The King was very embarrased by their behavior and apologized to Wellingtion. His reply: “It is of no matter, your Highness, I have seen their backs before.”
I have several:
I think it was Lady Astor who said to Winston Churchill “If you were my husband I would poison your coffee.” Churchill replied, “Madame, if I were your husband I should drink it.”
A woman whose name I cannot recall said to Churchill, “Sir, you are drunk!” Churchill replied, “But you are ugly & in the morning I shall be sober.”
A crotchety old man I once knew was fond of saying, “The best part of you soaked into the mattress.”
And my personal favorite, “When you look up the word stupid (or ugly, or whatever) in the dictionary, his picture is there.”
I thought that was W.C. Fields. Or did he steal it?
Anyhoo, a classic that comes to mind (I heard it from Klinger on MASH):
“If my dog had your face, I’d shave it’s butt and teach it to walk backwards.”
I can’t remember the exact wording, but there was a quote from Pippin that said something to the effect of, “Up yours, sir.”
I also have a tendency to randomly mutter “Mental gymnasts, these,” during my fifth-hour Trigonometry class, which happens to be full of stoners and drunks.
Hey I was planning to give the Churchill/Astor story myself. Another good Churchill insult is his comment about Stafford Cripps his austere colleague: “There but for the grace of God goes God”
I also like Gandhi’s reply when asked what he thought about Western Civilization: “I think it would be a good idea”
From the Simpsons: (yes, it’s all about the Simpsons)
I believe Lisa was in some type of Jazz club or something, and a patron commenting on the current performance: “It sounds like someone’s hitting a baby with a cat”
And my personal (non Simpsons) favorite, especially where I work: I’ve seen monkey shit-fights at the zoo more organized than this!"
I’ve put this up before, but i’m going to do it again .
My cousin and I went to visit a couple of his friends in a run down part of Leeds, my home town.
Of the four of us, I am the only one not gay and hence not involved in any relationship.
Micheal (I’ll use that name for now) has come down in the world a long way from his more aristocratic roots, his family home in Winchester is older than a good many countries.
The next door neighbors hate them, well she does- he doesn’t really care.
Her problem ? She was, at the time, in her late 30’s or so and had been trying for years to have a child but after lots of intervention it was not looking good, I guess having gay men as her next door just made it worse for her.
On the day we visited, Micheal was hanging out the washing, this included a duvet cover.
The gardens of these houses are incredibly small, such that the duvet cover was flapping a little over the dividing wall and into the next garden.
Mrs Childless lost it, screaming at Micheal various low brow insults such as…
“You dirty b*******'s we all know why you have to wash your bedding!”
“Get your filthy queer sheets out of my garden”
…and other gems.
Cool and quick as you like, Micheal replied with an upper crust accent that would have cut glass,
“Well at least I know why I can’t have babies!”
“I’ve been called worse things by better people.” - Trudeau, after Nixon referred to him as ‘that asshole’
Heh. Wanted to post this one to start off the thread, but got distracted. Background knowledge: My nickname among a certain subset of the population is “Biggy”, short for “bom-biggity”, a monkier I acquired after repeatedly correcting my geometry teacher.
At college orientation, I was hanging out with some friends, who were members of a certain subset, when a girl walked up. We introduced ourselves (my nickname came up) and the girl lit a cigarette. Conversationally, I pointed out…
Me: Smoking is bad for your health. (not my business, I know)
Her: Oh. Wanna drag? It won’t kill you. Everyone else smokes…
There was a great deal in this vein, in which I thought up my reply. When she would down…
Me: No thank you. Perhaps you would like to fellate me?
Keep in mind I don’t know this girl, and my friends are looking on in shock/anticipation. I do verbal stunts like this a lot.
After another lengthy response which boiled down to “hell no!”, she looked at her cigarette and commented, “It’s probably about the same size anyway.”
Wrong thing to say: I’ve a stock response to that insult. As I was walking away, I called back, “Why do you think those two call me ‘biggy’?”
It’s good to be witty.
shouldn’t this be in IMHO? That’s MHO at least.
I like the Trudeau quote though.
This one is a bit anti-gay, but in the context (grade 9 high school setting), it’s funny. This one guy (let’s call him David) had this joke, that went something like this: “Hey [person], if a gay man jumped on your back, would you beat him off?” Thus lending to the obvious ‘Eww’ factor if they said yes.
A quick thinking friend of mine was asked this, and his response?
“No, I’d say ‘Get off my back, David!’”