Standing in line at Burger King, I overheard a subtle argument. The details of the argument are unimportant. At one time during its course, though, one of the interlocutors uttered this great insult, “You hooked on phonics motherfucker!”
Ooooh, that’s gotta hurt.
I’ve never been that angry at anyone to sling a doozey like that one, but it’s comforting to know I’m prepared should the event arise.
Got any other good insults?
“Talking to you is proof that there are things worse than death”
Call someone a ‘cuntnugget.’
Watch them blink.
Yob tvo maht!
You get the rush of cursing someone in Russian, and telling them to do the inimaginable.
I was so thrilled last term to be able to deliver The Perfect Comeback to a chattering bimbo in my script analysis class.
BIMBO: I’ve heard that chewing stimulates the brain! No, it’s totally true, I heard it on the radio! [chomps viciously on gum] See? It totally helps you think!
ME: [pausing – is it possible I’ve been fed such a perfect straight line? With calculated Starina inflection:] Sweetie, you’re wasting your gum.
Courtesy of coffeespouse: “She wants to be a whore, but can’t find a man who’ll let her.”
Tracy Lord reminded me of my one and only quick-wit episode I was proud of.
I was an adult education instructor in a former life. One class featured a rather bright young man whom we all got along with, but who had a habit of blurting non sequiturs in the middle of class discussions.
On one such occassion, he blurted, “I’ve cheated death many times.” Without missing a beat I replied, “You know, you shouldn’t cheat.” Good natured laughs all around.
It’s not the most original, but the term “pick up your balls and _______ (do whatever)” is an effective way to stop an adult from whining.
Mine is sort of indirect. The receptionist was giving this one visitor total heck for some reason. I wandered up and when she finally shut up, I told the guy “Don’t pay any attention to her; she’s been like this ever since that house got dropped on her sister.” She didn’t speak to me for several hours, which was actually a relief.
My friend’s mom is a 50 something administrator at a Jesuit college, this was used by her;
“You don’t even qualify as an asshole. You are that microscopic bit of air that the sphincter doesn’t close on.”
“One day, you may mature sufficiently that you’ll understand why this behaviour is inappropriate in the company of thinking adults. We can only hope.”
Said always with a warm and knowing smile, a light touch on the arm, without animosity or distain in your voice.
It’s nice, it’s polite, no swear words, no name calling, makes your point and gives them something to think about, and best of all, closes the door, and just that quickly - we’re moving on to the next thing.
It has served me well over time, hope you find it useful.
My personal favorite zinger happened like this.
It’s rush hour in New York City, and the subways are crowded. Nevertheless there is a certain class of rider who feels it is their birthright to step in and then stand right next to the door (to lean on it, or to be the first one out of the car at their stop) and not to move into the car. Most of these people also get upset when the people behind them, amazingly, decline to simply wait for the next train, but instead push past them to get in. Often they are also carrying large bags on their shoulders that they don’t bother to put on the floor, thus taking up even more space.
One particular ride, the door-blocker is a large sour-faced middle-aged woman, about 5’10" and 250 lbs and carrying a bag on her shoulder. She’s the first one to board after the doors open, takes up residence right inside the door, then starts glowering and muttering as people push past her to get in. I’m the last one to get in through the door, which means I get to actually stand next to her after the doors close.
She glares at me and says, “If I were a man, I’d have pushed you right off the train!”
I blink for about .5 seconds before shooting back, “Well, you made your choice, and you can’t go back now.”
The entire car erupted in laughter. She let loose with a stream of profanity that I simply ignored (with my handy iPod and Etymotic earplug headphones) until the next stop.
Eons ago in high school sociology class, the class attention whore proclaimed to the teacher, “Mr. Hall, my brother was an only child!”
I said “I wish he still was.”
“I may be fat, but you’re ugly and I can diet.”
(I’m not fat)
Someone: “something stupid”
Me: blink blink “It’s going to take the light from stupid one million years to reach you.”
Ok. I don’t get it.
No, just big-boned!
“Aww, what’s the matter? Did you wake up on the wrong side of town this morning?”
One time in college my boyfriend had come up for the weekend. We decided to go get food at the local sandwich joint and asked my roommate if she wanted to come with. She stretched out on her bed and said “No I’m in the mood for something fatty, greasy and nasty.”
Putting his arm around me, my boyfriend smiled and said, “She’s taken.”
Not real original, but I still relished using this one when one of the fellows in my office, after he made a mistake with one of my orders, sighed and said “I’m my own worst enemy”.
I of course blurted out “Not while I’m alive, you’re not”. Hilarity ensued. And he was a good sport about it.