Ever shoot off the perfect, non-plagiarized one-liner at the perfect time? Now’s your chance to brag! Here’s mine:
There was a couple who had started dating in my company, but for some reason they were trying to be secretive about it. Everyone knew, but they still tried to hide it. I was coming back from lunch one day just as they pulled into the parking deck as well, and when they saw me standing by the elevator they quickly stopped holding hands. I waited until the elevator doors closed, trapping them in, and said in a dry monotone:
“You two shouldn’t be seen together so often; people might stop talking.”
They just looked nervous and I stood there grinning until we got off the elevator.
My “friend” faked a punch to my nuts. I blocked it effortlessly, with my kung fu skillz. He claimed that, if he had been TRYING to damage the boys, he would have succeeded, and no doubt about it. I was making clear to him the error of his ways. End of exposition.
Him: “I came lightning quick-”
Me: “Yeah, that’s what she said. ZING!”
Ok, that’s not so good, but it’s all I’ve got. Sorry.
The other day, some guys were handing out literature at the top of the Dupont Metro here in DC. I was walking by with a friend on the way to work and didn’t want to stop for it, so just did the “ignore the nasty man” walk-by, he turns and says “Hey, c’mon, guys, it’s good stuff from LaRouche!”.
I turned around and shot back “Jesus, isn’t that an oxymoron!”
He didn’t get it.
Some time ago I was at my favorite local pub having some brews. At this particular time friends of mine at the bar (bartender included) were egging me about how laid back I am and that I never do anything crazy. I of course protested, I told them I do; do crazy shit from time to time. It was at that point I grabed the girl sitting next to me at the bar (who I didn’t even know at the time) and gave her a big wet slopy kiss! I then said “See there M’fers, I am a crazy mother from time to time!” I then proceeded to leave the bar after that. While I was leaving the girl I kissed calls out to me and says “hey you gonna kiss me like that and not leave me your number?” I yelled back at her “Check your back pocket.” She did and found my bussiness card I had stuck there while I was kissing her!
I had the whole bar talking about that one for at least a month!
We were watching a movie in a hotel ballroom. It was particularly bright outside and people were coming and going, so when it opened it made it a bit difficult to see the screen. Some woman appointed herself door monitor. Everytime the door opened, she’d shout out, in an obnoxious voice, “Shut the dooor.”
“Shut the dooor.”
“Shut the dooor.”
“Shut the dooor.”
This was more annoying than the light. Finally, I had enough. I shouted out,
I have a better one, but some might take offense, so here’s this one:
I work with a guy who lives for prescription pills, he goes to the doctor at the slightest ache or pain. So much so that he will joke about it with the guys, saying things like, “Do you have any Lorcets?” He also likes to think he is the office stud, flirting with every woman he can, even though he is married. He will not kid around about his pill-popping around women, bad for his self-image. One day, he was talking to two ladies about his flower garden or something as I was walking through. One of the women commented that she was tired.
Studly: “Why?”
Woman: “I just took a Colonican (sp?).”
Studly: “What’s that?”
Me: “Well, you ought to know.”
He then got defensive, yelling and cussing at me that he didn’t take drugs. But he did make a quick exit.
I used to work with a woman whose husband is a funeral director. She came in very happy one morning and said, “Guess what? Chuck got a promotion!”
I said, “Really? How many people does he have under him?”
Another time I was in a lift and some people from another company were complaining about something. I said in a disgusted voice, “Did you ever have one of those days when everything seems to go right?” They laughed.
In the same lift, I like to think I got some laughs without saying anything. I and a cow-orker got onto the lift and there was a guy in there wearing a gorilla suit. We totally ignored the fact that he was wearing a gorilla suit. I like to think that we made him think this sort thing was not uncommon.
One drunken evening, a group of friends and I were playing cards. For some reason, during the game, someone threw a porn movie into the vcr. It had this awful actress in it. As the closeup showed her getting it from behind, she was saying," Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Uh-huh." in an INCREDIBLY bored voice.
“She sounds like she’s reading a book,” said my friend.
Glancing up at the closeup, I said," She must be. Look, her lips are moving."
During a round of beers at my old job, everyone from my small executive search firm was gathered in the breakroom. One of the partners was talking about a neighbor of his that most of the other partners knew as well and agreed was a jerk. About the neighbor’s wife, he remarked, “I wonder how it feels, being married to such an asshole.”
Of course I had to respond, “Ask your wife.”
A moment of silence, much laughter, and then he deadpans, “Your last check will be mailed to you tomorrow.”
My friend and I were nursing extremely horrific hangovers after a night out at one of the bars where they serve the most hideous rot gut that leaves you the next day feeling like someone has hit you over the head with a hammer.
Her drink of choice is 7&7. While were were blurrily trying to remember exactly how much and of what we consumed the night before, she asked “exactly how many 7&7s did I drink last night?”. Whereby I answered “those weren’t 7&7s, they were serving you 7& 3 1/2”.
I only remember this little remark because my friend thought it was hilarious and still brings it up in conversation.
When I first started working at the behemoth company which employs me, my office mate was explaining how things there one morning over coffee. He made a point of telling, “there’s even a VP on our floor, his name is Mr. X, but you hardly ever see him”.
As we came around the corner of the hallway, I collided with a distinguised looking, well dressed man in his fifties. My officemate, in an excited voice, said, “Shibb, do you know who that was?”
Without missing a beat I pulled my wallet from my coat pocket and replied, “I don’t know who it was, but in the confusion I nabbed his wallet”.
A gay male friend of mine was stereotypically attempting to style my hair before going out one evening. We discussed options, up, down, etc; and finalyl he picked up the blowdryer and a brush and said “OK, I’m going to blow you straight.” I peeked out from under my hair and said “I’ll blow you straight.” Sadly, only my hair got lucky that night.
A long time ago, my roommates and I occasionally played chess with one another. Sadly, our cat found the chess set and hid the pieces all over the house.
We recovered most of them, but a pawn was still missing; we drew a pawn on a slip of paper and used it as a replacement.
A few weeks later, we found the missing piece. “It’s just as well we found it,” I said. “I was thinking of going out and buying a replacement.”
My roommate, bless his heart, paused, thought about what I’d said, and crinkled his brow in bewilderment. “Where?” he asked.
I shrugged and looked out the window. “You can get them at any pawn shop.”
A couple of years ago I had this really weird teacher. He spent most of his lessons talking about anything other than the subject he was supposed to teach us in. He was sometimes funny, but his crap got old fast and he could be very rude. Some of us liked him and some didn’t. I used to like him.
One day in class he was talking about different careers and why people chose them. Dumb things like all people who become cops are power hungry etc. Suddenly he blurts out:
"Have you noticed that all librarians are really ugly”.
I slammed my fist on the desk and pointed at him:
“FUCK YOU!!! My mother is a librarian!”
The entire class erupted in laughter, the teacher went deathly pale and started stuttering. I was hero for a day.