I was at my physical therapist last Friday. I was in the middle of doing my usual sets of exercises he prescribed to me when L, another PT, came in and started sort of goofing around with a toy microphone (It was the end of her work day and she was happy to be going home for the weekend). She was getting some laughs from the other patients and PT’s in the workout area when she started dancing around like some sort of rock star. She did this for a couple of minutes and when she was done, I said with a totally straight face, “Very good. You’ve got it. Now do 3 sets of 20.”
The entire office roared.
So what are some one-liners you’ve said that have brought down the house?
I’ve had a couple, but one sticks out because of the sheer inappropriateness.
I was at a gathering of coworkers… some kind of BBQ or something. The boss was there, as was the director of our department and the director of the program (DoD’s boss). The DoP was a well-known misogynist (which went well with the DoD, who was a slimy womanizer), and rather obviously went around the gathering shaking hands with all the guys and not even remotely acknowledging the women. I say obviously because it was not a large gathering, and we were all therapists so we’re naturally keyed into behavior.
One of the women standing with me called him out on it, saying something along the lines of “What, you only get a handshake if you have a penis?”
Cue me, utterly deadpan: “I have a penis; it’s at home in the drawer.”
Everyone went to :eek: to :D:D:D . Well, except the DoP.
It was my 17th birthday party; I had just come out to my father the previous year, and he was still a bit at sea about the whole thing.
My friend Scotty, who is still just about the most flaming person I’ve ever met, showed up to the party wearing a pink see-through teddy with pom-poms around the hem, nipple pierces, pleather pants, magenta spiked hair, and a tiara. My dad’s jaw dropped, literally.
After he went home, he, Hamish, bro_mcl, and I were sitting in the living room and the subject of Scotty came up. My dad said, “Well, I just don’t see why he feels the need to act and dress like that.” Hamish said, “Well, he sees himself as an artist and his clothes and appearance are like his canvas.” Dad protested, “Well, so do I!”
And my heterosexual, fifteen-year-old little brother spontaneously pipes up, “Yeah, dad, but the difference is that he’s Picasso and you’re Norman Rockwell.”
I was at my local watering hole in a small town in Kentucky a few weekends ago. I’m sitting with a small group of close knit friends on a patio full of regulars and acquaintances. After everybody got settled in, a group of Army guys form across the country decide to join us. After all the due introductions and introductory chitchat, one of the guys asks “So what do you all do in Kentucky for fun?”. Without missing a beat, and in the most confused and taken aback manner possible, I blurt “You mean when we’re not f***ing our sisters?”. The place erupted with laughter and I, normally an overlooked wallflower, had all of the attention I wanted all night long.
I still don’t know why this was funny but I accepted the laughs. I was at a party at a co-worker’s house, being introduced to his friends. One of them said “Call me Fatty” (he wasn’t fat) and I said “Is that with a ph?” I don’t know why I said it or why everybody roared, but I knew not to ask for an explanation.
When I was a teacher we once had a staff meeting in the library rather than the usual meeting room because it was being used for temporary textbook storage.
It was crowded, and the principal began the meeting by saying, “Sorry about this, but the other room is full of books.”
A few years ago, my father and I were having dinner with the Czech ambassador to the United Nations, Martin Palouš, and some other Czech guy (his assistant?) After the dinner was over, my dad said he was going to take Palouš back to his hotel. I said something like, “so you’re going to take care of the Czech (check)?” It was the stupidest joke imaginable, but my dad and the Czech guys just lost it. (They had had a lot to drink - I guess that helped.)
I was sitting around at my parents’ house, talking to my brother and his girlfriend. Girlfriend was about to spend two weeks in rural Canada for some kind of literacy service trip with her church. After a while, the conversation turned to pets, and Girlfriend was lamenting how she would love to have a dog, but she was always too busy to give one a good home.
“You’d better be careful,” I said, “or you’ll bring home an illiterate Canadian puppy that really needs you”.
Well, that brought on a giggle fit for all three of us that was unsurpassed in family history*. Ten minutes later we were still completely incapacitated. We’d calm down a bit, look each other in the eye again, and dissolve into more laughter. Over an illiterate Canadian puppy. Bizarre.
*Well, later there was the time that my dad, driving us home from a camping trip, doused himself in gasoline from a broken gas pump. My mom acted a bit too amused and not sympathetic enough toward his pathetic state, and he was annoyed, so he pronounced petulantly, “Just for that, I’m not going to change my pants!” A good ten minutes of uncontrollable laughter ensued (undoubtedly abetted by the heady fumes in the car) and my dad was so annoyed that he did indeed finish out the drive without changing his pants.
At a cousin’s wedding reception dinner, we were sitting around eating with a fairly conservative bunch when the conversation turned to hypothetical tattoos we might want.
My father-in-law, sitting next to my mother-in-law, chimed in with, “I’d like to get a naked woman.”
Deadpan, without missing beat, I said, “That’s nice, but what about a tattoo?”
Everyone at the table roared and the folks at other tables were apparently wondering why our table was having so much fun.
That ability to reframe other people’s statements can be comedy gold. Or it can get your clock cleaned, or both.
This is not such an incident, but back in college a bunch of us dorm rats were tromping around the stairwells and for whatever reason, a couple of us went down instead of up, so one guy leaned waaay out the window to watch for them leaving the building.
Somebody passing by asked, “Hey, what’s he doing?”
I ad libbed, “Lost a contact lens.” General merriment ensued, as we were in between the 3rd and 4th floors at the time.
I was sitting at a PC next to a guy who’s become sort of public-library-computer-user friend (we see each other there all the time), on the third floor, at the back of a rather large library building.
All of a sudden, another computer user, rather plump, just jumped up and bolted down the hallway.
We look at each other quizzically, then I say, "Guess he heard the Good Humor truck.
It first brought a smile to my friend’s face, then he just cracked up and lost it. He still refers to that one.
First one, a hiking group of single people carpooling back from a hike and late dinner. Everyone has a crush on someone else in the group, usually unknown and unrequited. Mine was on the little red haired girl, K. Everyone knew about it, including K, who doesn’t return my lust. Anyway, I’m dropping the second to last folks off and Christie says, “Sec, can you take K home?” I say enthusiastically “Yes, please!” then wait a beat and a disappointed “Oh, you meant her home.” Everyone busts out laughing.
Same group, during dinner after the hike. Food finally comes and they are serving each persons dish from a tray stand behind me. Everybody else gets served and I hear a big crash behind me as everybody but me sees my food dump onto the floor. I don’t react at all to the noise and dead pan without turning around even slightly: “I’m not eating that.” Whole restaurant busts up.
Lastly, a lawsuit site inspection, where a bunch of lawyers and their expert witnesses examine all the defects in a house (hey, it’s California) are milling about the living room. About 15 people. The owner of the house wants to show a plumbing problem and loudly asks: “Is the plumber here?” I am not the plumber or the plumber’s lawyer, but doing a Groucho Marx impression blurt out: “I’m not a plumber, but I’ll help the lady of the house.” Laughter ensues.
I’m sure I’ve mentioned this one before in similar threads, but…
There was this one time on the NYC subway that a large (nearly six feet tall) heavyset woman was standing by the door of an incoming train at rush hour. She refused to move deeper into the car (where there was more standing room), but stood there right in the doorway glowering at all the people who had the temerity to push past her to get inside (most of them casting annoyed looks back at her over their shoulder as they did so). I was the last person to get on the tightly packed car, and had no qualms (being a 6’2", nearly 200 lbs. guy myself) ignoring her evil eye to get myself through the doors as they shut behind me.
Since I had the additional gall to glare right back at her eye-to-eye, she upped the ante by actually saying something to me: “If I was a man, I’d have pushed you right off this train!”
Without missing a beat, I shot back, “Well, you made your choice. There’s no going back now!”
The car erupted in hooting laughter, enough to drown out her additional cursing, which I ignored anyway.
One of my most successful oneliners was sitting at a sex toy party and passing around the various gadgets to other women.
If you want an audience primed for a good laugh, put a bunch of repressed white wimmen + alcohol +sex toys= a larf waiting to happen.
So, the anal beads made the round.
Being a doper, I knew what they were for, but(t) the majority of the room was ??? over them and talking very quietly to each other for what the purpose of ANAL BEADS would be. ( Oh, I don’t know. The title of them really is confusing, ain’tit?)
So one woman says a bit loud, after the lightbulb goes on for where the beads go, But what if he fall’s asleep with them in?
Giving a motion like I was starting lawn mower, " Time to wake up!!!"
I was out after work with some friends, indulging in adult beverages. We started talking about sex, and I asked one guy how many women he’d been with.
He said, probably stalling for time, “How many women have I been with?” I snapped back, “Well, you can include the men and the goats if you want.” Next thing I know, my other friend is lying on the floor, screaming hysterically.
This was unintentionally hilarious, but I can’t take credit for it. My brother and my youngest sis are about 9 years apart, and she was always very outgoing and somewhat goofy. One day, she was in a rather annoying mode, and my brother was getting fed up. He said “Stop acting like an idiot!!” and she retorted: “Who’s acting??”
to :eek: to :D:D:D . Well, except the DoP.