I was at a party with a bunch of techs who run the machinery during eye surgery (not a very good description of their jobs, but that’s it at its most basic level.) The boss was wearing a tie with eyeballs all over it and I said, “Man, I’m glad you guys aren’t proctologists!”
Girl. 
Just remembered a bit of dark humor from a lawyer I worked for. The firm was representing the family of a construction worker who died in a 16-story fall. One of the trial exhibits was a blown-up photo of the trash-strewn spot where he landed. We’re looking at the photo, thinking somber thoughts, like “This is where a young man died” when she says “Oh look! Is that a suicide note?”
My best one-liner was really only appreciated by one person, but he lost it for about five minutes.
The guy’s name was David Stephenson; he’s a Canadian author and scientist very much into the hard SF scene. I was talking about some bad movies I had on DVD. One of them was Unknown World. When describing it, I said, “It’s like The Core – only with worse science.”
Stephenson lost it. He couldn’t believe there was an SF film with worse science than The Core.
I was on jury duty about two years ago, and I was in a larger group from which the trial jury was to be chosen.
The defense lawyer and the County Prosecutor started off with their questions.
The Prosecutor then said:
“How much do you get for your jury service, 10 bucks a day?”
He then said, “Would you still serve if you didn’t get anything”
Then came his final question: “How about if you had to pay ME 10 bucks a day?”
I waited for a moment, and I said "We already do !!"
Everyone in the court room (except the County Prosecutor) exploded into laughter, even the judge, the defendant and his defense lawyer.
I didn’t get on a jury, but that sure was fun!!
When I was employed at a hospital, someone asked me what the worst department to work in was. I said, “Endoscopy. That’s where all the assholes hang out.”
My wife and I hosted an event at hotel an couple of years ago, as I was schmoozing her sister gives me her parking ticket and says
“Gospel, can you validate me?”
Without missing a beat I say
“You look great in that dress, but I’m not paying for your parking”
I was the hero of the night.
Last year our department underwent a fairly substantial change and a new guy came in as the boss’s boss. As part of getting to know his new team he had us all travel to the same site and have a few days of teambuilding and planning sessions, with dinners at night to better bond with our team members.
At dinner, some subject came up that prompted him to bring up some papers he had published and some work he had done for Congress. As an offhand comment he said “If you’re interested, Google my name and it’s the first thing that comes up.”
At that precise moment I piped up and said “Well, if you Google my name you’ll find I’m a gay porn star!”
Brought down the house!
(and yes, the first pages of hits for my name are all for the other fellow)
Me and some guys were standing around when a very attractive woman walked by in a dress cut up to here and a top down to there and I said, “That gives me the urge to piss on something!!!”
I’d returned home after a lengthy time in Europe, and was having dinner with my family.
My Mom: “So, how did you find Paris?”
Me: “I didn’t have to. I just got on the plane and pretty soon I was there.”
I’m not sure she ever forgave me for that one.
Shortly after a family dinner at my brother’s house, our sister, who just happened to be in a crabby mood all day, walked into the kitchen.
She started complaining about the mess and stated she was tired and she did not want to clean up the kitchen.
She opened up a broom closet and grabbed a broom to sweep the floor.
I commented just as she turned around, “Fine go home then.”
It took everyone about 2 seconds to realize what I meant.
While everyone was laughing she was trying to hit me with the broom.
Meeting at work, various VPs and department heads in attendance. The head of IT is relating something and makes a reference to some popular event from a number of years in the past, and when he gets a few questioning looks, he says “Oh, sorry, I guess I’m dating myself, aren’t I?”
Me: “Don’t worry, I date myself all the time.”
pause
Me, again: “No, no, I mean I often say things that reveal my age by referring to things that happened a long time ago!”
No-one seemed to believe me.
Roddy
Hysterical. ( If you google my name I’m a lesbian sci-fi writer.)
The workplace Christmas party was coming up in a week. One co-worker, a very genial but sometimes accidentally boorish fellow who was also balding, thought it was funny to ask EVERYONE if they were going to wear a lampshade on their head. Finally, I said “Paul, you’re the one here who’s head most resembles a light bulb!”
I was the hero of the lounge!
Cool! Which one? Are you (is she) any good? 
In my group I’m the self-contained one. I rarely drink, don’t enjoy crude humor much, and am generally considered the fuddydud (despite being the youngest).
We had all gone out to a bar and, as usual, separated into men only / women only groups. I was talking about how I gave my cat Cleo a bath, but the only animal shampoo I could find was this glittery stuff left behind by my nephew (who spoiled his dog rotten).
We were giggling about the thought of and process of shampooing a cat when Bruce, the worst offender for crude jokes and bad behavior came over and wanted to know what we were all laughing about.
“My glittery pussy”
His jaw dropped. Face turned beet red. He had no response. We ended up on the floor, laughing hysterically not only at the fact that I was so crude, but that he was so humorously shocked. We still say ‘glittery pussy’ when we want to get his goat.
Another one: A few years ago we were at the Country Fest hoohah that I get dragged to every year with the same group of friends. I was intoxicated. VERY intoxicated. Drank a pitcher of moonlight martinis poopfaced, giggly intoxicated. Again, the whole prim and proper thing rose it’s ugly head. I was sitting on my bed, waiting for the world to quit spinning so damned fast, when I saw movement outside the window. A guy was urinating against a motorhome. So I yelled “HEY! NICE PENIS!”. From outside our bus came screaming laughter.
My sister slammed open the door “Was that YOU?!” Yeah, why?
(And then I don’t remember so much)
When we were in school there was a student teacher, and eventually an assistant band director, who is a pretty straight-laced fellow but who has a really great sense of humor.
A few of us are friends with him on Facebook now (yeah, 15 years later, our friends are our old teachers). Last week, he posted a few pictures of himself up in the air, parasailing with his daughters, with the caption “Me and the girls, 300 feet up!”
I was lucky enough to get in the first comment, “Never thought I’d ever see a picture of [name] getting high with his kids…”
The next 10 comments were all of the “LOL @ZIPPER!!!” sort. My brother even made a point to tell me that was the funniest comment he’s ever read on FB.
Facebook is a really great way to get in some awesome one-liners AND to have them saved for all of eternity plus put them on display. Hurrah!
“I’m very anal about what I eat.”
We were at the dinner table with some family members and my “dry humored” wife says, “Care to rephrase that, Bill?”
:D:D:D
Quasi
Hey, up there, Zip! Good one!
A couple of weeks ago, I attempted to a negotiate a higher salary with my boss. I wasn’t demanding a raise, but just wanted to have a plan in place. Due to the economy, we’ve all taken pay cuts recently. Anyway, I was shot down for various reasons.
Last Friday, I asked one of my investment consultants to present to my investment committee, which includes the boss that shot down my raise. I was almost 100% certain that my boss mentioned my request for a raise to the other committee members, since she reports up to them. We had some time after the consultants were finished, so I decided to update the committee on some other items that were not originally on the agenda.
We’re pretty informal with our dress in these committee meetings, especially on a Friday. And since I didn’t intend to present, and because I had some social plans after work, I decided to dress casually that morning. As I was moving to the head of the table to begin, my boss jokingly says: “If you’re presenting, why aren’t you wearing a tie?”
My response: “Sorry L-, I wore my only tie yesterday.”
The generated much laughter from the committee members, who’ve all seen me in business attire many times.
I’m guessing he had losta lot of weight. Fat_to_PHAT was a common hipster way of referencing the weight loss process. Phat = cool, attractive, “all that”.