Many years ago, in what I refer to as “my previous life”, my then-boyfriend and his loser friends were sitting around talking. One of his loser buddies was bragging about his hunting prowess:
Him: “I’ve shot a deer, I’ve shot a moose…”
Very quiet, reserved me: “Shot the bull.”
Years ago, when my daughter was a baby, my ex-husband & I were going to a pitch-in holiday get together. The apartment where it was being held was upstairs, and we were juggling baby in car-seat/carrier, diaper bag, purse, gift for gift exchange, etc.
For want of anyplace to keep the casserole we made for the pitch-in, I set it at the bottom of the carrier, on top of my daughter’s legs. (She was under lots of blankets due to the weather.) As I came in, the first words out of my mouth were, “Will someone please take the casserole off the baby?”
The entire room broke up, and it usually gets brought up any time we all get together now. the (now) 16 year old gets embarassed, but even SHE thinks it’s funny.
10th grade chemistry:
Teacher - What is a salt?
Me - 2 to 5
In college I was over to a friend’s apartment. He pulled out his phone bill to show me. He had been calling his high school sweetheart long distance after going home over a break. The bill was kinda thick. I say, “Damn. You can curl up on the couch and read this.”
Hardest and longest I’ve ever made anybody laugh:
Used to work at a hotel that would have a breakfast buffet every Sunday. One lunch break a co-worker tells a story about a customer who saw a rat on the buffet table and the co-worker just happened to be there when it happened. Customer hands co-worker plate and says, “I guess I won’t be eating here anymore.” Everyone starts riffing jokes. I came up with:
“We need some more rat bait on the buffet.”
Waiting on a Bus at 5 AM to be at work be 6. Really older guy come up and says, “You look tired.”
Me: Yep, too early for me.
Guy: I don’t thing nothing of getting up early.
Me: I don’t think much of it either.
Really said it but it is an old joke I had heard years before. Most of my one-liners wait for years for just the right situation to be funny.
I was working in a print shop that was one of six in a small, local chain. Our manager had retired and the company sent us a new one from corporate headquarters; an obnoxious, self-aggrandizing bitch with absolutely no interpersonal skills and no managerial experience. On the day she took the helm she shut down the entire shop for an hour to have a meeting and discuss the divine edicts of her reign.
After she had laid down the law to our silent and respectful group of 15, and described how things were going to be in the new regime, she read off a short list of personal circumstances that she detested. After about 10 minutes, she came to the big one.
"…and the one thing I absolutely won’t tolerate from my people, " she proclaimed, “the one thing that makes my blood boil, and could get a person written up, is GOSSIP; it’s the primary trigger that breaks up employee cohesion and fractures teamwork. I can’t stand, and won’t stand for, any form of gossip whatsoever in my shop!”
From the brief silence that followed, a smartass voice belonging to your ol’ buddy the Jettboy says, “Yeah, I’ve heard that about you.”
The assesmbled employees busted up laughing and I got a cold icy stare. I could actually feel my name moving towards the top of the Shit List.
[Howie Mandel] Okay…Okay…OKAY!! Wait, wait! I got one![/HM]
I don’t know if you’d call this a one-liner, and I admit I stole this one from Redd Foxx (Sanford and Son), but I used to love using it when I’d come back to work the weekend shift at my hospital.
Someone would usually ask, “What 'd you do this week, Bill?”
Me: “Had a date with the Lee Sisters”
Them: “The Lee Sisters?”
Me: “Yeah. Ugg and Home”
:D:D:D
Sory if this one didn’t fit, but Fred Sanford still cracks me up!
Quasi
[QUOTE=Jettboy;11605867 Jettboy says, “Yeah, I’ve heard that about you.”
The assembled employees busted up laughing and I got a cold icy stare. I could actually feel my name moving towards the top of the Shit List.[/QUOTE]
ROFLMAO!
As the saying goes, that’s priceless, and you know what they say about that list, right?
Once you’re on it, you never come off! You just move up and down.
[Private Joker]“Is that you John Wayne?”[/PJ]
Musta been that kinda moment, huh, Jettboy?
Quasi
Eh, I got nothin’.
Awesome! How did your teacher respond?!
He enjoyed it. The next time he asked the question he had to add: “And no, it’s not 2 to 5.”
When I was 12, my niece begged me to take her to see Alien. Remember the scene where the chestburster has boogied off, they are hunting for it, the carcass from its first metamorphosis drops on Ripley’s shoulder and everyone goes EEEK? The next scene, they toss the carcass in a tray and start to dissect it. It’s deathly quiet in the theater as everyone is still recovering from the last fright. They make the first cut, stuff oozes out and niece says loudly, “OH GROSS!”.
Everyone in the theater lost it. Niece tried to hide in her chair. I snickered all the way home with her begging me not to tell her mom about it. We walk in, mom says, “How was the movie?” and I immediately say “OH GROSS!”. This time, niece loses it laughing.
The first time I really made my mom laugh, I was about twelve, and she was having a conversation about the homeless and said…“you know Jesus had no visible means of support.”
I was walking through the living room, and blurted out, “Well, except for the nails.” And just kept walking to the fading sounds of raucus laughter.
I don’t understand why this was funny, but everybody in the cafeteria laughed.
Somebody dropped a full pot of coffee on the floor and it smashed and spewed coffee over everyone. Silence.
Then I broke the ice with a mimicking tone: “Never do that!”
We were visiting my finacee’s parents a little while ago and were about to go out for dinner. She had ducked into the bathroom to pull back her hair and came back out complaining about now having a headache because it was too tight. Her dad, who never, ever laughs, asked why she pulled it back that much.
I looked up, completely straight-faced and said, “Poor man’s face lift.”
It took him five minutes to be able to stop laughing enough to get out of the chair. It took at least twice that long before my fiancee stopped shooting me looks of death.
I used the following term at a poker-night a while back which stopped proceedings with laughter for about 5 mins.
While describing how hard it would be to have sex with a pretty old secretary we have in work I said “I suppose I’d be able to thumb in a softie”
That’s all it takes with my workmates 
My family and I had been on a week’s vacation with a bunch of friends, all staying in the same house. The day we arrived one of my daughters came down with a fever, the next day my other daughter had it. By the end of the week, at least half the houseguests (about 6 people) had come down with the cold, most likely caught from my daughters.
We were all getting ready to leave on the last day, just standing around talking about the week, and I came out with “We came, we saw, we infected… Vini, Vidi, Virus”. I guess because of everyone’s frustrations with getting sick over the course of the week, we all needed a good laugh, so we all ended up in tears over the line.
The thing is, when I started with ‘we came…’, I didn’t really know where I was going with it, and just got lucky with ‘we infected’. Then I had to make the 2nd part work, and ‘virus’ luckily came to me the moment before it came out of my mouth.
Not me, but my favorite.
I was working as a summer camp counselor one summer for a camp of 7-8 year-olds, and a group of us were away from the fire pit one night, preparing a skit for them. A friend of mine, also working at the camp, walked up to us from the pit just as the kids down below all started screaming at the top of their lungs. I’m guessing that someone leading the group had told them to get all their noisy out now so that they wouldn’t wake the neighbors when it got later, but we had no idea at the time, and just looked up questioningly.
My friend, not missing a beat, says: “Oh, I gave them a 5-pound bag of sugar and told them to split it.”
That’s the first one in this thread to make me laugh out loud. Thanks!
That, and the right delivery. I was at an Applebees with my Nieces and their boyfriends. My older niece’s boyfriend asked why the light fixture above our table was humming. I answered, perfectly deadpan, “Because it doesn’t know the words.” The joke is older than dirt, but when an opportunity like that presents it’s self, you have to seize it.
The same niece’s boyfriend (whom I loath) was talking (he’s always talking) about how being into musicals and how one of his friends was teasing him, calling him “the gayest guy I know”. I replied, “well, that and all the cocksucking.” Both of my nieces just lost it.
My best immediate one liner was a tree falling in a forest. I was at Chicago’s O’Hare airport making a connection from Boston to Kansas City. I heard an announcement over the PA system: “Mr. Smith, return to gate B14 to retrieve your satchel. Mr. Smith, return to gate B14 to retrieve your black satchel.” I immediately said, to no one, “This must be the famous black Satchel Paige!”.
We were at work (Dad was the CEO) one morning. There’s a meeting in Dad’s office with me, Dad, JK, a few others. Dad stands up and everybody sees that he has something purple smudged on the front of his pants. The following conversation ensued:
Dad: Shit, looks like I got some of the jelly donut on my pants.
JK: Or you were performing some sort of sex act. (He wasn’t really good at the jokes).
Me: Well, when the hell did Dad start fucking jelly donuts?
The entire room erupted. My dad laughed so hard that his face turned red, he started coughing, and people got worried… “Bob, sit down! Drink this! etc!” (Dad was 70 at the time).
After about 5 minutes, everybody got their shit together and the meeting continued. After that, Dad went home to change his pants.
Ditto on the laughs.
No way I’m sharing that one with my wife, however! :eek: (Not if y’all wanna keep me around for a while longer, that is!;))
Quasi