We were having our house worked on, so there was workmen and tools etc. all over the place. I stumbled over something in the floor and meant to say “I’m going to fall and kill myself.” But it came out "I’m going to call and feel myself."
When I was a kid, there was a park close to where I lived called Old Stone Fort State Park. My Dad was talking about it during a family outing and me and my sister were rolling around laughing, “Daddy said fart”.
About a decade ago, I was spending an evening with 3 close friends. We were all stressed to the 9’s that evening when I made my fatal mistake. We were talking about Robin Williams’ childhood when I made the mistake of saying He had no one to play with as a child, so he had to play with himself.. For some reason, probably the stress that set off about 5 minutes of quite literally rolling around on the floor laughing and, no matter what I said (I think it was something about hitting myself with a stick), it was going to come out as a double entendre.
That’s the most memorable, but give me 24 hours, and I’m sure I’ll pull another one [sigh!].
CJ
I was talking to a co-worker (quite the hot number, too) about Mr. Clean, and saying that he wore white pants and a white shirt. Instead of saying, “I never noticed his pants,” she said “I’ve never seen him with his pants on.”
I was in the lunch room with my Boss and my boss’s assistant.
I was trying to compliment the assistant on how attractive she looked that day but it came out like this:
“You are so beautiful. How do I get my lips to your lips?” But what I meant to say was “You have very nice lips, how do I make them look as full as your lips”. I then said quietly “did I say that out loud”. The room filled up with laughter as my face turned bright red. I was about to die once I realized what I had said. See I am a female, and telling another woman I want her lips to my lips in front of my boss was the most ridiculous thing I have ever said.
My boss to this day will never let me live this one down. Thank God I work at a place where we laugh almost all day. But I sware, I was not trying to be funny. I really was trying to compliment her make-up job on her lips.
Anyways… I hated remembering that.
Me and my husband (then boyfriend) were over a friend’s house for dinner. The couple made grilled some chicken breasts and they were a bit over-done. They were apologizing and I meant to say something soothing but what came out was …
That’s OK - they weren’t completely inedible.
That happened 6 years ago and I still haven’t lived it down.
we got a hot’n’saucy delivery lady and one day she come in with a package that has some maple syrup all over it and she tells me about how another box sprung a leak and made a mess in her truck etc etc and how she said i can help her out by lickin’ it up!
i thought she left, and i turned around and said to my co-worker, “she wants me to lick her syrupy box!”
i turned around again and she was standing right behind me!
i think she kinda likes me…
A carrot is as close to a diamond as a rabbit gets
Stop it! you’re killing me! 
When we were kids, my brother and I shared a bedroom. Our dad was really angry at us for not cleaning it, so he ordered us in there to clean it immediately. Being the snots we were, we ended up playing poker on the floor instead. Dad opens the door, turns red, and is so livid, all he can splutter out is, “Now ain’t this a mell of a hess?” My brother and I think this is hilarious, and giggle our little asses off. Dad, who doesn’t share our sense of humor, takes a layer of skin off our little asses.
I didn’t say this, it’s something that happened at my last job…but it’s funny nonetheless.
The President of our company (Pat) was known for his hot temper. When he’d get really riled up about something, he’d start ranting and lose all control over his grasp of grammar and word usage.
One time, he had our Billing Manager (Russell) in an office with the door closed, and he was ranting about how Russell wasn’t setting his priorities properly, and we hear Pat holler:
“There are things that must be done…and there are things that DOESN’T MUST BE DONE!!”
Oh my. We all snorted and tried to contain ourselves. As soon as Pat left the office we were howling. That particular gem still gets brought up every time I get together with some of the people I worked with at that job. Classic.
Nine years old. Waiting at the Fenway Park T stop after my first baseball game. It’s late, we’re under a bridge, it’s very scary (I HATE this T stop). I turn to my father and say, “Are there any homos around here, Dad?”
Of course, I meant to ask about hobos. Yeah, one-letter difference, but I definitely said “homos.” I can’t even tell you how mortified I was, although since I was nine I suppose I’m excused. Even so…
Me and some friends were sitting around one night, just watching something on TV. At the commercial break, an ad came on for one of those adult get-you-high-school-diploma type schools. It featured a lady going on and on about how her husband was so much happier now that he had a better job and more money. She finished this by saying “and when he’s happy, I’m happy”. To which I added,
“because now he’s a successful man I can suck off for the rest of my life!”
I swear, I meant that she was being a gold-digger, but you can bet that my friends haven’t forgotten that little incident yet.
I think I posted about this once before in a “most embarrassing moment” thread, but here goes:
When I was a teenager, I worked at a McDonald’s. They had just added a drive-through window, and I was working there for the very first time. A male customer drove up and placed an order for a hot fudge sundae. I was supposed to ask, “Would you like nuts on your hot fudge sundae?”, but instead it came out as,"Would you like hot fudge sundae on your nuts?"
:o
Oh, the visual! This thread has made my day twice now. I also think this story would fit right into the Getting kicked in the nards thread. On second thought, probably the best thing would be to let that one die.
Will you marry me?
I couldn’t resist. Just joking. My first wife and I have been married for 58 years coming up 20 April and we get along just fine.
first date. lunch. don’t mess up.
she asks, “what would you like for dessert?”
I reply, “How about a cookie” but it comes out
“How about a quickie.”
I bet you’re wondering what happened next.
She said NO!:mad:
Both of my parents were really into fishing when I was a kid. Being fishermen, they of course, occasionally used nightcrawlers as bait.
I was probably about 3 at the time, and I was playing outside in the yard, after a rain. We all know that worms often come out of the ground after it rains. I happened across a huge worm slithering around, presumably a nightcrawler, caught it and was ecstatic.
I ran into the house, proudly holding this slimy creature in my hand, shouting:
“Mommy, Daddy!!! Look, I found a last-nighter!”
I still get ribbed for that one. :o
I was with a group of friends at a crowded restaurant. We were playing the ‘which of these two equally unattractive people would you have sex with if you absolutely had to?’ game. The question was ‘Bert or Ernie?’ and everyone at the table but myself preferred Ernie to Bert. Someone said to me: ‘Bert’s so anal!’ and just as one of those weird occasional silences falls across the entire restaurant, I say loudly: ‘but I like anal!’ Ooops.
This is actually something a high school teacher of mine said. As he tells it, Sister Act had just come out, and he and his wife had gone to see it. That Sunday, they were at church, and the chior was singing, not very well, so he turned to his wife and whispered, “What that chior needs is some Whoopie.” It wasn’t until his wife looked at him with a shocked look on her face that he realized what he had said…
I have had very few, except the classic “I don’t know who he is, but he’s sure cute!” (and I’m a guy…)
However, one of my friends has had some great ones.
“I can smile with anything in my mouth!” after talking about how her friend looked sad when she was eating.
That’s all I remember right now.
During my sophomore year at High School, I participated in the “Academic Decathlon” competition. One of the topics was Economics, and we had one of the teachers giving us a lecture on said topic. He was explaining the intricacies of Common Stock, but unfortunately, it came out “Shaman’s Cock” 
. Cue highschoolers snickering, and girls gasping in faux-outrage. 