One night when I was in college a bunch of us guys went to the local fast food place for burgers. The place was about to close for the night so we were getting everything to go. While he was ringing up our orders the clerk asked if we wanted some free hot cherry turnovers; there were a few left in the warmer and it was against company policy to put them back in the cooler once they’d been heated, so they were going to be thrown out anyway. Obviously we took them, being starving college students.
I’m not that crazy about cherry filling, so after getting back to the dorm and digging into the burgers I turned to one of the guys and said “Steve, you want my cherry?”
General hilarity ensues as the implication of what I’d just said occurs to everyone. Attempting to clear up any potential misunderstanding, I continued, “No, I mean do you wanna turnover?”
These were actually uttered by Mr. Jawofech but lord do they crack me up.
One night after he and I had been living together for only a few weeks we were driving by the corner store when he sputtered, “you know what? I could really go for some dick”. He meant to say dill pickle chips but he sometimes stutters a bit and things come out jumbled up. My cousin, who was in the backseat at the time, buys him “bags of dick” to this day.
Last year we ran off to the emergency room when he was having a kindney stone attack. A few hours later the nurse told him that if he was no longer in pain he was free to leave and they would give him some oral medication to take along. A doctor came in to confirm shortly after and as the doctor was walking away Mr.Jawofech yelled out, “what about some oral before I go?”. The funny thing is the doctor turned around and said, “Right, no problem, I’ll have the nurse give it to you before you go”, as he knew exactly what the SO meant. I giggled all the way home.
As mentioned above, sometimes Mr. Jawofech stutters. A few months ago we were in the car discussing something and he looked at me and said, “I’m a homo…homo…homo…ah, forget it”. He was trying to say something about home ownership and got stuck on the first bit. I told him I thought he might have mentioned being gay before the wedding. He just quit speaking to me for the night. Heh.
Mostly I keep him around for the entertainment value.
One day, in the company of my husband (then BF), and two of my (male) teachers, as well as three or four young men, I loudly asked, “Does anybody have anything I can suck on?”
Hubby instantly responded, “I do!” an snickered. I was mortified.
My dad once meant to say to my mother, “Can you buy some cereal?” It came out as, “You ruined my life bitch. I’m going to go to California.”
My mother has always been a rich source of these kinds of things, and my sibs and I think it’s definitely very funny! I’m not sure whether it’s because she just doesn’t listen to what we say, or whether it’s because her English isn’t exactly up to par! The things she says might not come out horribly wrong, but they’re funny nonetheless!
We have this community “taste food from a bunch of the city’s different restaurants” fair in the city once every September. It’s called “Nibbles N’ Bites”… there was one year my mom was trying to pronounce it, and it came out “Nipples N’ Bites!” (can I say this in this forum?) My sibs and I were laughing so hard! (not to mention the mental images that were forming in my head, at least… yes, I must have a dirtier mind than I thought)
My brother and sister were talking about something or other some time ago, and my brother said, “That’s SO raunchy!” Mom heard it as “That’s so ranchy!” (never mind that there isn’t such a word in the dictionary)
There was this time that our whole family was on the way to a dinner, and my sibs and I were discussing the latest debuts on the MuchMusic countdown. (Santana, Sonique, and Macy Gray) We thought that Sonique sounded like a Canadian R&B group, and my sister said that all Canadian R&B sucked (this is generally true) except for Deborah Cox. My mom was in the front seat of the car, not paying much attention to what we were saying; however, when my sister came up with that observation, she immediately turned around and said: “What? Canadian Armpit?” That made us laugh so hard! Later on, we decided that it was a good analogy, but just then, if we could ROFL in a car, I’m sure we would have! (even our dad was smiling!)
If I remember any more, I’ll post them… and especially if they involve things I said!
This is one from our psychology lecturer.
She was giving a talk to some nurses. Now these weren’t just any nurses they were the big bosomed amazonian type nurses that scare patients half to death. Mostly women, but with a smattering of men sitting together in the front row. Anyhoo, she said that subconsciously, she must have felt intimidated, as when she put up some acetates to impress them with some astounding news, she meant to say “this will make your ears prick up” instead she said “this will make your pricks rear up” at first there was dead silence, then the men at the front started to snigger, then everyone packed up laughing. Well, as she said it did break the ice.
This one’s from my high school years. I can’t remember why, but for some reason I was angry with a guy named Elvin. I was trying to communicate to one of my friends just how angry I was, and I ended up saying:
"I’d like to take Elvin’s dick and mount it!"
…as in, cut it off and mount it on a plaque so that all would know just how fierce I was.
Needless to say, my comment was interpreted another way.
I was on battle.net playing SC one time, and my nickname was Panther~. This guy, being a dork, was mad at me and kept saying things like “<Newbieloser kills panther>” and whatnot. He finally left the room when he mad the smae mistake you did. “<Newbieloser kills panther and mounts him!>” were his last words
My friend’s 70+ year old mother went boating on the Gulf of Mexico with them one day. She reached overboard to scoop a fish out of the net and a small octopus latched on to her hand. She panicked, trying to shake it off, screaming, “It’s testicles! It’s got testicles!”
We love that.
In college, my gang o’ pals all got back together after the Christmas break. We opened a few beers and started showing each other things we got for Christmas. My friend Ty received a glass sculpture of a head – very popular item back in the early nineties. After a few more beers and a couple drinking games, Ty found occasion to offer a toast:
To the head my dad gave me for Christmas."
I wish I had a good one which I was willing to share. My sharable ones are unfunny, and my funny ones are utterly unsharable. In substitution, I will quote the great stage actress Cornelia Otis Skinner, from her book The Ape in Me:
When I was a young and innocent (and possibly oblivious) 9th grader, some friends and I were talking about Sesame Street. Someone said that the producers or whomever were going to kill off one of the two-headed monster guys. And I exclaimed, “What, they’re just going to leave one head hanging there, limp?!”
A new girl started at my husbands auto-dealership in the cashier department. One Friday afternoon he wanted to cash a check to have some cash for the weekend so he went up to her and said “Can you cash a chest?”. He said he had to laugh but she didn’t think it was very funny…
When I was 16 I worked at an Arby’s where you had to repeat the order in a microphone to the kitchen. If it wasn’t busy everyone heard you.
They started selling Buffalo Hot Wings and you had to say each word into the mic. We all made the same mistake of calling them Hot Buffalo Wings, which would drive the manager nuts. Until one day when a customer ordered potato chips and wings and I said, very loudly into the mic: I need Hot Buffalo Chips.
Not long after that a customer ordered a Big Smoky (burger) with no pickles. I, of course said: Can I get a big, smoky pickle? Let me tell you, teenagers can get a lot of milage from those 2 innocent slips of the tongue.
This one happened to me just yesterday. I work two retail jobs, and while at Main Job, two of my co-workers from Little Job come in to talk to me. Of course I’m flattered that Paul and Tammy have come to visit. Until Tammy asks if I could come in to work on Saturday morning…my first Saturday off in a long time. Of course I say no, then…why? Tammy whines that she’s afraid she won’t be able to get the safe open, and usually when this happens I’m downstairs at Main Job and can run up and open it for her.
Now, it is a difficult safe, located in a corner of the bathroom, and many times it has defeated my best efforts to open it in under 5 tries. But it can be done if you just take a break, take it slow.
So I turn to Paul, the assistant manager, and question him on whether he has reviewed the combination with Tammy, has he helped her at all with this, etc. etc. 'Tho technically my superior, Paul is not a take-charge, problem solving kind of guy, and I want to make sure he’s done all he can, so I say “But have you taken her into the bathroom and given her a hands-on experience?”
Even when he told me he could be fired for doing that, I still didn’t realize what I said. I have a feeling the sexual-harassment policy is going to be tested to the limits this week, because he’s not going to be able to resist repeating this everytime one of us goes near the bathroom.
This thread is killing me. I can’t stop giggling over these!
My friends and I were one time discussing the merits of different styles of ski boots. Talking about which ones were easiest to put on, I said, “I prefer rear-entry for easy access.” Gah!
And another time, walking with my dog and then-boyfriend:
Hobbes, my dog, always takes a tennis ball with him on walks and begs you to throw it for him constantly. When his arm got tired from throwing the ball so much, Kevin decided to scoot the ball with his foot, and wound up sending the ball about two feet away, into the ditch beside the road. Meaning to say, “I should be a player for a crippled soccer team,” he said, “I should be a kicker for a deflated volleyball team.” Huh?
Happened earlier this week, actually … I’m in an Easter play where we’re all wearing robes. Several of us have lapel/lavalier style mics, and the first night we practiced with them, several folks were having trouble finding places to clip the transmitter packs.
One guy came up with a solution – he brought in a little nylon sack and pinned it to the inside of his cloak, providing a nice little easily accessible holder for the pack.
A few minutes later, I’m sitting next to a guy whose transmitter pack has fallen off at least twice during the course of rehearsal, and he’s struggling to find a place where it will stay.
Trying to be helpful, I said, “Frank had a great idea. Hey, Frank, come show Mel your pouch!”
A NOT-SO-HELPFUL lady behind me piped up – “Kind of a personal request there, ain’t it?”
Well… with me I usually have some interesting slips. Nothing as funny here, usually stuff like when I was talking to my friends about a girl I know who goes to the same school as my brother… It came out as She goes to the same brother as my school.
One of the funnier ones I’ve seen was when role playing in chat. Bobby and I were interrupted by a guy asking what we were doing. Bobby was kind enough to explain that we were Pole Playing
Oh. My. God. Give the man a medal!!! I just wanted to pop in and comment on how great I think this is. Do you mind me asking how old you are? (are guys as smarmy about that as women? :o ) I’m impressed, stories like this give me hope. Happy (soon-to-be) Anniverary.
I’ve never had a class with him myself, but one of the bio professors at my school is famous for this sort of thing. He is sort of your stereotypical awkward science teacher, and has to teach human biology to a bunch of giggling freshman girls. The poor guy doesn’t even seem to realize he’s said anything wrong until the class starts laughing at him, and even then he’s often not sure what he’s done.
Two prime examples of his slip-ups from a friend who took the class:
While building models of different molecules with colored balls he announced, “Now I’ve got a pair of blue balls.”
“Then came homo erectus.” High schoolers would have found that funny enough on its own, but these are college students and mostly managed to restrain themselves. He continued, “Since then, all men have been erect.” Some obvious snickering here. Professor becomes flustered and attempts to explain. “I mean, you can look at me and see that I’m an erect man.” That’s when the whole class lost it.
My ex was a big Monkees fan, and around the point our friendship was getting closer and closer to Serious Relationship, she showed me their career-ending film, “Head.” (Which, by the way, gave me a whole new appreciation for them. Bizarre and recommended to fans of the bizarre.)
The next afternoon, she said proudly to some friends, “Last night I inflicted ‘Head’ on Drastic!” Eyebrows shot upwards, someone asked “Is ‘inflicted’ the usual word for that?” and she turned the most beautiful shade of stammering red on realization.
Ex, mutual friend-via-ex (whom I lost custody of by default, which is about the only thing I regret), and I are in the grocery store. Candies are being discussed, said friend squeals excitedly as she grabs a box of Nerds-brand candy. Her: “I love sucking on nerds!” Me: <smirk> And cue stammering laughter.
