I was playing a game of chess with my mom’s boss’s husband, a very nice black gentleman. He reneged on a move and I said something teasing like no takebacks or whatever. A few minutes later my mom walked in and asked who was winning; I said, “right now, the reneger.” Which came out sounding just like “renigger.”
I then apologized for the next twenty-seven-and-a-half minutes.
I remembered another good one -
Me and my roommate had just moved into a new apartment, and being the semi-handy person I am, I spent the first weekend there cleaning up, painting, and re-caulking the bathtub/shower. When that was all done, we went off to visit a friend of ours who had also just moved into a new place.
I asked for a tour of the house, and my friend Dave took me around the place while my roommate stayed in the living room and made small talk with the other house occupants, who we didn’t know too well. Well, the tour ended in the bathroom, where I took a look at the caulking job, to compare it to my own handiwork. I was disapointed to discover it was a better job, more even, and with a larger bead that seemed more secure. We returned to the living room, where my roommate turned to me and asked -
“Well, how was it?”
"Well, I thought the caulk at our place was impressive, until I saw Dave’s!"
This brought about a stunned silence, which I missed the significance of, and I tried to improve the situation by elaborating -
"The caulk here is enormous, and really smooth!"
Just last Friday at my temp job, I was talking to a cow-orker – the guy who’s training me, actually.
Now I don’t particularly dislike this guy, but he’s not exactly the most captivating personality in the world. Just the same I wasn’t intentionally trying to insult him, or his family.
At any rate, we were just chatting in the break room about family, and he told me, “My sister has 7 children, all nine months apart.”
I simply said, “Wow, busy little beaver.”
So I chuckled as I walked away from the conversation … sue me.
I swear to god, I am crying with laughter. “She wants me to lick her syrupy box!”
My brother and sister used to walk to and from elementary school together; we lived not more than 10 minutes walking distance from it. As my brother told me later, once they were discussing baseball (in the general way that kids do when they’re around 6-8 years old)… for some reason, the Houston Astros were brought up. My sister somehow corrupted the Houston Astors into**"the Houston Aholes"… I suppose that’s easy to do when you’re six years old, but still! When my brother told me about this, I was laughing so hard that tears were running down my face! 
There was this other time that my brother and sister were at an ince cream place, and the menu had what they called “regular”, “big”, and “bigger” sizes. My sister ordered for them both (which was sort of unusual, as she sometimes is shy in public… or claims to be, at any rate) and promptly said to the lady at the counter, “I’d like a big strawberry and a strawberry booger…” Of course, she realized what she had said, and corrected herself, but it was too late. Actually, I think this is why she claims to be so shy in public sometimes and won’t speak up for herself… she’s afraid of screwing up orders like that again! Ah, the powers of relatively minor childhood traumas that get blown out of all proportion…
A couple of months ago, I went out to lunch with my mom. When we were driving to the restaurant, she was listening to the news. The news reporter said something about private partnerships in government infrastructure (or something equally complex and boring). My mother turns to me and goes, “Private parts? What? Did they really say that?” Er… NO, Mom, they did NOT say that! It’s not like we’d listen to the Howard Stern show, after all!
P.S. This thread is really funny! I love it!
Jack Batty
Jack Batty says “COW-Orker”
Heh-heh , yeah, that was COOL!
When I was about 14 I was riding in a car with my family and one of my best friends. We both had bare legs and neither of us had shaved for a few days, so they were prickly. Her leg brushed against mine, and she said, for no real reason I can think of, “Let’s rub our pricks together.” We stared at each other for a second and then couldn’t stop laughing for what seemed like hours.
OH MY GOD! That is so funny! The tears, the tears, can’t see for the tears!
This thread’s brilliant!
My wife had been kind enough to pick several of us up at a bar one evening. We’d been out after the Cubs opening game, so much alcohol had been consumed.
Actually, the SO was quite irritated because we’d stood her up for dinner, so she arrived at the pub with both guns blazing:
“Look at you! You’re all drunk!”
“And look at Rob!”
“I can’t believe that you’ve been drinking all of this time!”
“And look at Rob!”
To which I respond:
“Rob’s not doing anything I didn’t do!” – only to look over and see Rob embraced in passion with a coworker. Suddenly, the heat was off Rob. . .
My husband was in the next room and I was in the kitchen at the counter having coffee. I got up and my barstool style chair made a terrible fart/screech noise as I replaced it. He yells “Jesus, did you fart in there???” and I yelled “No, I just moved my stool!”
Holy God. It’s been about 4 years and we STILL get milage out of that one.
Zette
In my early 20’s, went to an all-day Beer Festival with some friends. About 5 or 6 pm, we are all drunk and starving. We go out to one of those all-you-can-eat seafood places on the island. it’s Sunday evening, early bird special, and we’re the only people in there under 65.
We start goofing off and the guy next to me makes me shut my eyes and eat a shrimp off his fork.
He keeps touching it to my mouth and pulling it away.
Feeling silly and conspicuous, I say, in loud, annoyed voice, just as the restaurant goes deadly silent;
“You’re driving me crazy. Quit teasing and just STICK IT IN ALREADY, will you?”
We still tease my brother about this one—we were at a family gathering and were snacking on pizzelle, a sweet crunchy cookie which is kind of licorice-flavored. He bit into one and loudly proclaimed, “Mmm, anus-flavored cookies!”. He had never heard the word “anise” pronounced before.
My worst fluff occurred when I used to wait tables. A gentleman asked to see a dessert menu and I explained that we didn’t have a pre-printed list, but “I can give it to you orally!” Never lived that one down!
The University’s mandatory public speaking course, last semester: A fellow student was preparing to give his speech, and he was using an overhead projector. Before he got started, he turned on the projector and focused it, but he put a piece of paper over almost all of the transparency so that the class wouldn’t see what was written there.
I think to myself, that’s a good idea. I don’t like to use overhead projectors in this class, because the speeches are very closely timed, and I don’t want to waste time focusing the transparencies. But, I like my visual aids to surprise the audience, too; I don’t really want them looking at my graphs and whatnot until I’m ready for them. I manage to express this thought by saying,
"I always want to use a visual aid, but I don’t want people to know what I’m talking about."
Even the professor thought that was funny It took a while for class to settle down.
Hmmm, back in college, when I was a DJ at the campus station, I was about to lead into a PSA regarding some cultural event on campus relating to Japanese culture…
… and you know how, when someone is really into a particular subject, we might call them a <blank> freak? Music freak? Jesus freak? That sort of thing?
…well, on air, I basically said something along the lines of “And this should be of interest to all you Japanese freaks out there.”
The stunned look from my co-DJ across the board made me revisit my words carefully and issue an apology after the next song. Oops. 
This is one of the all-time worst things I’ve ever done. It’s not even remotely funny, and I am ashamed even as I type.
When I was scheduling my oral exam for my doctorate, I anticipated high emotions and drama, so in a pathetic effort to be amusing, I told the chair of the examining committee (my thesis adviser) “Bring your hanky”, in kind of a dopy voice. I got the line from the old Beavis and Butthead bumper where the announcer says “Stay tuned for Beavis’s a capella version of Ave Maria - bring your hanky”.
What I forgot was that only a couple of weeks earlier, my adviser had given a short speech at a memorial service for one of my fellow students who had been killed in a car crash on his way home from passing his orals. My adviser broke down during the speech.
When I said “Bring your hanky”, I think he thought I was making fun of him for having cried.
Three years later, I feel like a wretched a**hole whenever I recall the incident. Sometimes I wish he would have just punched me, so we could have had some kind of closure, but as it is I’m uncomfortable even talking to him. I can’t believe he passed me.
A few weeks ago I was sitting at my desk at work busily typing when suddenly my boss was standing right behind me, looking down my front and said “Those are artificial, right?”.
I was wearing a rather low cut shirt that day and I was absolutely speechless!
Until I realized he meant my (really long and brightly colored) fingernails!!!
One of my girlfriends is notorious for saying these sorts of things without realizing what she’s said until the room is cracking up…
The most recent one came when we were discussing the price of airline tickets. “Oh, it’s not bad,” she says, “my mother and I get discounts by being bounced on busy flights.”
…
This is one of the best gaff’s and it is by Mr. Ujest, who is the model of a gentlemen, but sometimes his brain cells don’t fire up.
A woman in his office received from her husband at Christmas a fur coat. She was showing it off at the company Christmas party, receiving compliment.
Mr. Ujest walks up and, like everyone else, pets the arm of her fur coat, " Oh, this is nice. What is it?"
“Beaver.”
Mr Ujest (very innocently) “I like petting your beaver.”
There wasn’t a dry eye in the restaurant.
This is one of the best gaff’s and it is by Mr. Ujest, who is the model of a gentlemen, but sometimes his brain cells don’t fire up.
A woman in his office received from her husband at Christmas a fur coat. She was showing it off at the company Christmas party, receiving compliment.
Mr. Ujest walks up and, like everyone else, pets the arm of her fur coat, " Oh, this is nice. What is it?"
“Beaver.”
Mr Ujest (very innocently and he was slightly mentally lubricated) “I like petting your beaver.”
There wasn’t a dry eye in the restaurant.
This is my favorite bystander story.
We were waiting for an elevator at a hotel when a man walks up pushing is three or four year old son on a luggage cart. He is clearly taking the cart back to the lobby. His son as a toy stuffed animal in his hand that is causing problems for the boy to swing on the carts rails.
The son looks up at his dad and says in a very sweet, polite voice,
“Daddy, will you hold my monkey?”
We could not breath for at least ten minutes after that one.