My husband and I were playing Trivial Pursuit and there was a question about presidents born in California. The answer was Richard Nixon, and upon reading it, I said, “Of course - Yorba Linda.”
With the most bewildered expression, my husband said, “I’m Belinda?”
I’m still laughing at that… I can just see the look he must’ve given you. [wipes tears away]
Bwhaabwhaaa! This one caused a prairie dog alert over here. I CANT BREATHE!!!
sigh OK now…
I was about 15 and mixed words up when I got flustered. Heard screamed at my 3 brothers (who were obviously flustering me): “Of course I can see you, I’m not deaf!”
Mom has a habit of starting a conversation in the following way:
Mom: Can I ask you a stupid question?
Dad: You always do.
All four of us were crying on the floor for this one. She was not so amused.
Mom broke up a fight between two of my brothers. One of them had been using the other’s things. Heard said by the borrower: “Geez the way he carries on, you’d think it was a crime to play with his balls!”
When we were younger my mom had been on the verge of going on strike. I was exempt from the rant because I had been helping out. She’s ripping them a new one and says “You guys could be helping out, but I suppose it would just be easier to sit around and let Mommy do it.” What I meant to say to reiterate her comment was: Yeah you guys! (except I choked and the only thing that came out was “Yeah!”)
At church after the collection, loudly by older brother: “They got their money can we go home now?”
We took our son to the beach and he was two. Apparently, the tide had brought in a bunch of jellyfish, and then receded, leaving dead jellyfish all over the place. The boy comes frantically jumping across a sandbar: “MAMAAAAA The Jellybeans!!! The jellybeans are going to get me!”
Oh, god, I’m in grade 4 all over again…
So us flute players are having our twice-weekly class with the music teacher Mrs. H. My buddy Nancy (who was always a better flute player than me, because she practiced, but I digress) isn’t there; after ages of various ear/nose/throat problems, the doctors are removing her adenoids that afternoon.
Mrs. H: Does anybody know where Nancy is?
GrandfatherTrout, always the helpful one: I think she’s having her gonads taken out.
Long pause. Much to her credit, Mrs. H does not bat an eyelash.
Mrs. H: Okay. Let’s begin.
It was years before I realized what I had said. And none of the other kids got it either. I like to think that there was pandemonium in the teachers’ lounge later, but I’ll never know.
My birthday fell on a Sunday this year, so when I walked into work Monday morning, there was a card and a gift on my desk. I opened the gift, and it was a small, painted wooden box, very pretty, but too small to really be useful. My boss keeps a giant bag of mints in his desk drawer, so I thought “Perfect! I have a candy dish.” Well, I grabbed the box and walked into his office, and without thinking about it, I asked him to “fill my box.” Well, I guess you can imagine the look on his face. I mean, we’re very friendly, but there’s no “box-filling” going on. He figured out I was talking about mints pretty quickly, but he couldn’t look at me with a straight face for the rest of the afternoon.
here are a few:
i slip up all the time, but in 8th grade history i was reading something about the “first US constitution.” a boy in my class yelled, “did you say the first US prostitution?” then another guy piped up “thomas hooker!” i don’t know whether the class was laughing with me or at me.
another time i was on the phone with my younger sister and my mom wanted her to get off (the phone!). katie said “mom’s reaching out to me with her giant testicle arms - i mean, tentacle arms!” i wonder how she knew the word “testicle” at age 10… probably from me.
i was at an art class at a local woman’s house a couple years ago and i was talking to a friend. i said something like, “when women get old, a lot of them cut their hair short and dye it blond.” well, my 52-ish teacher was standing right there… she had recently cut her very blond hair short… oops…
Damn this thread for making me cry again today:)
When my son was young, I used to lift him up onto my shoulders for a ride, legs straddling my neck. Did this in a busy Toy’s-r-Us, and go striding briskly down the aisle. Just then he shouts out: “DADDY! YOU’RE HURTING MY PENIS!”
Every time I read this thread, I’m reminded of a few more! 
When I was in Grade 9, I was in the concert band at my school. The band met for practices at about 7 in the morning on Tuesdays and Thursdays (as I recall). Before practice one morning, we heard an announcement over the P.A. system for thie least-liked science teacher at the school: “Mr. Claridge, your brains are in a bucket in the office…” (we all thought that this particualr teacher was a :wally)
Needless to say, we were all laughing at that one! Of course, we knew what the secretary meant: brains for a science experiment or something. But it was somehow so much funnier to imagine that this teacher (who most of us thought had no brains anyhow) had misplaced his brains somewhere and had to pick them up at the office!
There was this other time when a bunch of us were at a friend’s for a birthday party, and someone asked one of our friends what her middle name was. (her last name is Man) So my friend said that it started with an “I”. Not many choices there to pick from, but my sister immediately says, “Ida?!?” No, it wasn’t Ida! I knew what it was, and told the friend that had asked. He said to our friend, “Oh, the stupidest name has got to be Ingrid!” (or something to that effect) My friend wasn’t very amused, but my sister was still stuck on the “Ida Man” thing, and went into hysterics at least twice that night on the kitchen floor! I think she still calls our friend “Ida Man” whenever she gets a chance… which isn’t often because she’s in the Caribbean, studying for med school.
Um . . . does she know that she’s your FIRST wife?
Scarlett, who owns a T-shirt that says “My next husband will be normal”
We were playing basketball with a guy named Jack. Someone had made a head-fake and Jack went for the fake. When this happened the guy yelled, “I threw Jack off!” The first thing that went through our minds was Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs.
When I was about 14 years old I was staying over at a friends house and Kurt Russell’s The Thing was on cable. His father asked what the movie was about I ment to say, “These organisms have taken over his body.” What actually came out was, “These ORGASMS have taken over his body” I thought his dad would never stop laughing.
I had a tooth that was bothering, my husband was trying to convince me to go to the dentist. I was trying to say “It only hurts when I press on it”, but it came out “it only hurts when I puss on it.” The look on his face was priceless, there were so many replies going thru his head, but he couldn’t choose one.
From the mouth of my oh-so-innocent 12yo…
She was whining about wanting a laptop of her own; we were discussing when she might get one and what kind she might get. Hubby is extolling the virtues of his Mac (including its lighter weight and cool silver case), while she is stubbornly insisting she wants one like Mom’s (a Dell PC)…
“But I want it big, black and hard!..(long pause)…wait, that didn’t come out right!”
(At which point we give in to our giggles and add another good story to the list of things with which to embarass her at her wedding rehearsal.)
Once we had to do a test in my English class. In one of my answers, I put “It makes you think.” Right next to that, but meant as a comment on another answer, my teacher wrote “Not in New Zealand.”
When I was at my friends house, her cat walked into the room. One of my other friends jumped up and yelled “Oooh! Can I stroke your pussy?”
In Science one year, the teacher started talking about straws. My friend didn’t really understand it, so she asked me “How does a straw work?” I wasn’t really listening, and I said “Oh, you suck it and it goes up.”
I was recently packing up a box for shipping off to a client with my friend Kristin. In order to make sure that the contents don’t shift around too much in the box, we crumple up balls of paper and pack them in there pretty tightly (you might see where this is going).
I was doing one side of the box and she was doing the other. My side of the box wasn’t as full as hers.
**Kristin: Your side isn’t as full as mine yet?
Me: Nope.
Kristin: Oh, that’s because your balls aren’t as big as mine.**
She turned various shades of red as I staggered off in hysterics.
Colin
My poor daughter has been trying to catch up with her 5-years-older brother ever since she was born, it seems.
We were discussing job histories and she very proudly said: (Brother) is 22yo and has only held three jobs, why by 17 I had already had five jobs…uh, wait."
Ooh, I just remembered one, and Mr. S supplied a doozy the other night . . .
(1) A friend of ours used to perform folk music with her then-husband. (They broke up and now perform separately.) Anyway, he was the one who did most of the stage patter between songs, occasionally saying, “Isn’t that right, honey?” and then she’d say, “Yup,” or something equally scintillating.
Except for the one time . . . He’d been talking about how she was busting his hump, making him do all the housework: do the dishes, vacuum, and “she even makes me clean out the catbox!” He turned to her with a look, and she said,
“Well, you’re the only one who uses it!”
She says the look on his face was worth about a million bucks. And the audience never quite recovered.
(2) The other night Mr. S and I went to see another musician perform. A little background is needed here: Mr. S was downsized last year and has been working some really sucky jobs. We joke that he’s a big loser, with the L on the forehead, etc. (All truly in fun; he has plans, we know it’s temporary, his self-esteem isn’t tied to how he earns his paycheck, etc. He’s actually happier without the old job. Anyway.) So the musician played what he called his “theme song,” and Mr. S commented,
“Yeah, and MY theme song is ‘Get a LOSER, ya JOB!’”
Of all the lines to screw up. I couldn’t stop laughing for about five minutes, tears in my eyes, stomach hurt, the whole schmear. Bless his sporting heart, he agreed it was a pretty good one.
I was with my sister and my best friend. At some point I said something obnoxious to her or about them, I’m not sure which. In any case, she got her “look” that meant she was about to go medieval on his ass (for some reason, she blamed him for anything I said). Trying to stave her off, he quickly said “My words, not his! My words, not his!” It didn’t help him very much…
this just about killed me when i was younger. my friend and i were typical 16 year old girls hanging out at her place. we were sitting on the floor and she had her black cat on her lap. her mother came in. looked at her and said in a thick scottish accent, “oh look, you’ve got a big, black pussy between your legs”.
another time at my young cousins birthday party, he was blowing out the candles and my mom, trying to be encouraging said " good blow job aaron!"
High School Symphony Orchestra:
Concert Master: Today is our day for sexuals. (Sectionals)
College Film Class:
Teacher: Where did you think the climax was?
Student: When Max kissed Ms. Cross.
Teacher: I THINK, that it was when max said, “In one dead fingernail.” But aparently our climaxes were both in the same room.