“Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba”
At a baby shower where the father to be was holding a stuffed lion over his head with both hands so everyone could see.
Enjoy,
Steven
I worked in manufacturing. The boss fancied himself as a mechanic. He was trying to fix the machine next to mine for a few hours. He said to me, “Sometimes even a good mechanic can spend days fixing a machine.” I said’ “Imagine how long it’s gonna take you!” Even he had to laugh!
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A long time ago there was a temporarily ubiquitous AT&T commercial.
Our multi-occupant office of grad students was being collectively berated by one of us who felt that he had missed important incoming calls from unspecified Important People who were expecting to get a Professional Office of Brilliant Researchers (who would of course have their phones answered by supportive Admin Assistants) and insofar as we did not have such folks answering our phones, would we PLEASE answer the phones in such a manner as to not leave the callers with the impression that they’d reached the wrong number?
Right on cue, the phone rings. I’m next to it. I pick it up and identify as…
“Baku Vanaka Beachside!”
Years ago, I had a male colleague who, after his wife gave birth to their 4th child, had a vasectomy (they only planned on 2, had one “carelessness” and one “but we were on birth control, dammit!”). He didn’t care who knew about it.
We were chatting at lunch one day and he commented that his wife was much more uptight than he was about people knowing about this - really didn’t want to blab to anyone.
I said immediately “Wait’ll I tell her you showed us your stitches!”.
Assault is 2-5 years (with good behavior).
Also a salt is a metal and non-metal bonded together which was the answer he was looking for.
Can’t remember any of my own.
One of the funniest I’ve ever heard happened in a Houston, TX summer school geometry class I was substitute teaching. We were discussing what our family members were up to and a really preppy rich kid piped up that his brother was in college. Without missing a beat, this gangsta Hispanic kid announced that his cousin was in “county”(county jail).
Not from my mouth but we were winding down at work recalling a tense situation earlier in the day.
Me: Yeah, that was kind of tense.
Coworker #1: My mother would say that is FEAR. False Expectations Appearing Real.
Me: What?
Coworker #1: FEAR is False Expectations Appearing Real
Coworker #2: I’m gonna get that tattooed on my cock.
A few years ago a co-worker ordered a stuffed SpongeBob SquarePants doll for his nephew and had it delivered to the office. When it arrived, he opened it and showed everyone how SpongeBob’s pants came off, revealing his undies.
Says I: “Can you show us where the man touched you, Timmy?”
The office erupted in laughter.
Another one: Back when I worked at a local Comedy Club, I always thought it was an acheivement to make the professional comedians (generally a pretty jaded bunch) laugh out loud.
One week we were featuring David Alan Grier, formerly of In Living Color. He and I were sitting in the box office between shows; I was doing some paperwork and he was watching a little TV we had in there.
TV Promo (really!): “Coming up, on a very special Baywatch…”
Me: “Hey, they’re all very special!”
David Alan Grier totally busted a gut.
I was at a magic lecture with a friend. At this particular lecture the magician was talking about things that inspire and motivate people. He was using the example of “The Dozens” explaining that it is a verbal fight, and he gave several examples like, “Your mama’s teeth are so dark, when she smiles the street light turns on,” or “Your mama is so fat, when she jumps into the air, she gets stuck.”
After giving several examples, he said, “The thing that gets these people going is when they say, ‘Yo mama…’ this and ‘Yo mama…’ that. Now, what gets you going?”
Without missing a beat, my friend turned to me with a completely straight face and said, “Your Mama.”
I nearly wet myself.
I thought I had nothing to contribute to this thread, but this story jarred one loose I’d totally forgotten about. It was at a Dopefest, of all places - pretty sure it was weirddave’s house. Hamadryad was there with her kids, and one of them spied her as she was doing whipped cream shots straight from the canister. He made a beeline for the whipped cream and got a mouthful, whereupon I asked:
“So how was your day at Neverland?”
Hamadryad couldn’t believe she was laughing.
Here’s one I can’t claim for myself, but did have me and a roomful of teenage boys roaring…
It was late in the night at high-school camp, and there was 6 or 7 of us guys in a cabin, just laying in bed talking about whatever. Then the following exchange took place between “Adam” and “Rick”, with “Shane” coming in at the end:
Adam: Hey, Rick, how far have you gone with Susan?
Rick: Just kissing and touching, no sex.
Adam: Not even oral? Why not?
Rick: It’s not like in the middle of getting it on, I’m just gonna go “Hey Susan, you wanna suck on my penis for a while?”
Adam: You don’t ask, you just put your hands on her head and push her down there, she’ll get the idea.
Shane: Adam, you’ve been watching too many pornos.
Gold.
My friend P picks up acquaintances from a lot of places. In telling stories she’ll often refer to “my friend” without giving a name. On one of these occasions, someone in our group, B, asked who she was referring to, and P said, “You don’t know her.” This evasion did not seem to satisfy B, and P said, “What, you think I’m making this up?” At which point I interjected, “It’s her friend Madge.” Pause for puzzled looks all around. “Short for imaginary.” Big laffs.
Now anytime P starts a story with “my friend” I jump in with, “Your friend Madge?”
One-liners are usually my forte. I’m not very good at telling jokes, or rather, I feel odd having the attention for so long. I can’t remember too many of them right now, but I remember when I was about 15 or so, making my mom, who had no sense of humor whatsoever, laugh her fool head off. I was washing dishes sullenly, and said, “I bet Jesus never had to clean the dish trap.”
Mom lost it.
Totally, honestly, LMFAO.
The absolute best one I ever heard was not my own, sadly.
A bunch of us were gathered around playing one of the Mario Party games. My best friend’s brother, P, was there and he’s a very quiet, shy young man. My brother, B, was playing and kept getting games that were luck-based instead of skill-based and he kept losing. My brother is a somewhat sore loser and started to complain.
Tossing his controller aside, B said, “It’s all luck!” P retorted “And you suck at it!”
We all lost it.
I was at a party getting a drink in the kitchen. I then went through the living room on my way to the patio. Some friends of mine are in the living room, including a married couple, John and Lacey. They’re apparently talking about goofy faces people make during sex. Right as I’m passing by I hear somebody laughing and say “John, what’s Lacey’s o-face look like?”
I swoosh past the group without stopping and say “He wouldn’t really know.” Laughter in my wake along with several “Oooooooh! Burn” noises. Sorry John, it was a pitch so perfect you’d have to be a saint not to take a swing.
Two from me. The first happened quite a while back - I was working for a defense contractor, and they called an all hands meeting to discuss the dangers of espionage in our industry. The company’s VP was there giving us the spiel, and said “You never know who is really a spy” and as if on cue, my cell phone rang…and the ringer was set to the James Bond theme! The whole room turned and looked at me, in utter silence, as my phone belted out the tune. I hit the silence button, raised an eyebrow, and in my best Sean Connery impersonation said, “Excuse me, I need to take this call.” The whole room burst into laughter.
The second one was a little more recent. I was at a wrap party for a very successful run of Neil Simon’s “Rumors”, and they were giving out awards to everyone who was in it (I played Ernie, and got the “Sez-a-me” award). We get to the director, who is quite modest, and everyone starts chanting for a speech, and he keeps denying us. Finally, the theater’s director says, “C’mon, Alex, humor us!” and I couldn’t resist adding in “Hell, we’ve humored you for three months!” Quite the uproar followed! 
Woeg, I can’t express how delightful that first one is.
I prefer to masturbate in private.