Fine. Next time I won’t live stream it on my website.
Not me, but Mrs. Homie:
My BFF of 20 years was going out of town for the weekend, and he wanted me to look after his dog a couple of times a day. As he was giving me a copy of his key, Mrs. Homie says “Wow. Now you guys are officially gay.”
Didn’t say it but was part of it…A group of us from work were having lunch at the bar at applebees - a bunch of bearded IT guys and one IT lass. The bartender was a cute, snappy girl who was always razzing us. Today, she was riffing on how beards disgusted her and she could never imagine dating a guy with a beard. J (the IT girl) told L to ‘come here, feel how soft this beard is’…L did so, and remarked that she never knew they were soft. Then J said ‘imagine - no thigh rash’. Brought the house down and left L speechless.
Before they laid me off, I briefly worked for a company with offices in 3 countries: ours in MN, one in Toronto, and one in Chile. We had these day long planning meetings via conference call over Skype. It was a huge setup - they had a microphone for the room, a mixer, the whole works. Sadly, the microphone was omni-directional, so it picked up all sorts of sounds: our conversation, papers sliding or riffling, the HVAC system, everything. They were noisy. And since it involved a) Skype and b) a flaky network system in either Toronto or Chile, we were losing connections all the time - half the time Toronto would drop off, then we’d lose Chile, then they’d lose us…Anyway, it was a nightmare.
At one of these meetings, we were having the usual round of connection and noise problems, but we’re dealing with it. All the sudden, the Toronto group sounds like they’re in a hurricane, and my boss says, “Mark? Mark? You guys sound funny.” Without thinking, I pop off, “Sure they do. They’re Canadian.”
The room exploded. Luckily, just that second, Toronto’s connection crapped out, so they dropped off the call. Or that’s what they said.
This thread is great. Several excellent contributions, thank you all for improving my workday!
Got two I can think of offhand:
I was spending the afternoon at the Steinhart Aquarium in GG Park with my friend Paul. We were strolling through the dark, inspecting all the amazing aquatic life in the tanks. Paul stops in front of a tank full of large fish and sees a huge, menacing eel poking its head with a mouth full of huge sharp teeth out of a coral cave. Paul loudly gasps “Oh my GOD, what IS that thing?!!”
I swung around and sung out to everyone in earshot with my best semi-drunken Dino impersonation “That’s Amore!”
rim shot
(Is there anything more rewarding than busting up a whole bunch of total strangers?)
Another time, I’m at my job in a college bookstore. It’s just before opening time in the morning, so the ladies’ locker room & lavatory is doing a brisk business. I walk in and take the last available stall and sit down to take a final leak before heading to my desk. I hear the door open – it’s my co-worker Karen. She quickly observes the situation and remarks “So, a full house!”
I pipe up from my stall “Soon to be a royal flush.”
Got them women going, I tells ya. Nothing like a room full of retail hags cackling first thing in the morning.
Thank you, thank you life. It’s so nice when the straight line just walks right up to you.
I didn’t say you had to.
Last Saturday I took my daughter (5) and son (8) on a hike to a lookout at the top of a local mountain. At the end is a scramble over some large boulders and finishes with a climb up an eight-rung ladder to the lookout. This is a very popular trail and there were a number of other folks climbing up and down at the time. In trying to reassure my son amidst the boulders and very steep cliffs, I said something like “Don’t worry, it’s just like climbing at the playground”. To which he quickly and sarcastically responded “Except you can fall and die”. Everyone around erupted in laughter, which helped calm his and his sister’s nerves.
Way back at the dawn of time (mid '70’s), my family had a guy visiting from Italy (I think; so long ago, coulda been some other country). We were all sitting around the dinner table, and the guy was explaining how, in Italian (or whatever language), there was a formal and a familiar way of addressing people.When a guy and a girl first meet, the guy is supposed to use the formal address and shouldn’t switch to the familiar until the girl asks him to. My mother asked something like, “So when does the girl usually ask that?”
Me, barely in high school, without missing a beat: “At breakfast.”
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This is GOLD!
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This is pure awesome! Yanno, when he passes on, at his funeral, you have to have jelly donuts somewhere on display with a little sign that says, " We’ll always love you."
Oh lord, I love this kid. 
That reminds me of the time my family took a trip to Colorado. We were on a bus tour to the top of Pike’s Peak. As we started getting higher and higher, the road turned to gravel and there was no guard rail. Also the road turned into a single lane road. We kept going up and up when we saw another car coming down. The tour bus driver pulled over to let the car pass, but pulled over toward the OUTSIDE of the road… right next to the drop-off.
Well, everyone in the bus freaked out. The tour bus driver jokingly tried to pass it off by saying, “Hey, I was just being polite. I pulled over to one side for him” I said, “Yeah. The WRONG side.”
Everyone had a good laugh.
The first time I can remember completely cracking my parents up, I was fourteen years old. They were talking about former President Nixon, and my dad mentioned that Nixon had kept a mistress for many years.
“Huh. No wonder they called him Tricky Dick,” I said.
My brother, though, is the king of set-up and delivery. Once he and a friend were waiting for a movie to start. The theater had a slide show of astronomy pictures going, and my brother waited for a very specific picture to show up.
“Hey, friend, which planet is that?” he asked.
“Uranus.”
“Geez, if you don’t know, you don’t know. You don’t have to be rude!”
He got me at dinner when I was visiting home from my first semester at college. I happened to be taking French I at the time.
“I came across a French phrase,” he told me. “Can you tell me what it means?”
“Sure.”
“Je nes sais quoi.”
“I don’t know,” I answered.
“Then why the hell are Mom and Dad paying for your tuition?”
Not me, but the boy, who is in the Army, currently stationed in Germany. He and a buddy were going to the commissary, and saw a dependent wife surrounded by six kids, and pregnant with another.
Boy: “Her vagina is like a clown car!”
Buddy: Almost dead with laughter…
Thanksgiving dinner at my wife’s parents house, about 30 family & friends at the table.
We’ve been married a couple of months, and the jury’s still out on me. They all have a good sense of humor, but I’m the joker and most gregarious of the group.
As it is with such a gathering, different little groups are chatting about different topics, although sometimes the whole table will be on one topic for a bit, then break out again.
At some point the topic was Sophia Loren. MIL mentioned that she was always FIL’s favorite hottie back in the day. General agreement on her hotness and acting, then the groups went off on their tangents. My new BIL and I continued discussing women at our end of the table, and he asked me my opinion of Sophia, then in her 60s. By pure coincidence, all of the separate groups stopped talking for a moment just as I said (loudly, to be heard over the din) - "Sophia Loren? She’s old, but I’d poke her."
Silence for a moment then all the men just lost it. At me, not with me.
The women, my wife, her grandmother, my MIL - they all just looked at me and shook their heads.
They all ask me about Sophia 20 years later.
The wife and I often use stilted or antiquated words and phrases for mild comic effect.
A couple of years ago we were disagreeing about some household choice that had to be made- how to rearrange a room or something like that.
She had her preferences, which I initially thought were awful. After many long minutes of discussion, we went our separate ways to do other things. (This was not an argument, nobody was angry or upset.)
Well, before long it gradually dawned on me that I had been wrong, and that she knew what she was talking about. So I walked over to her and told her “Okay, I think we should do it your way.”
Pleased but a little surprised by my one-eighty, she says “But earlier you were pooh-poohing it!”
And I said “Well, now I’m oui oui-ing it.”
The words were spoken before I realized the pun I’d made.
I was about eight years old, and my mom rattled off a list of chores she wanted me to do. “And then can I go to the ball?” Mom lost it.
Not funnier, but how about a whole bunch of strangers cracking each other up?
Back in the 70’s, four of us were at the movies to see Annie Hall, a day or two after release. Old fashioned theater- one huge screen, hundreds of comfy seats. Lobby was PACKED, as one crowd (including us) waited for the previous crowd to finish exiting.
Finally, the doors opened and it was time for us to make our way into the theater. We were packed, practically touching, and it wasn’t possible to move at all quickly. Instead, we were all moving VERY slowly, one tiny little step after another. So my friend Gary started mooing. (It’s a catttle drive, get it?) People chuckled, and almost immediately another person joined in, then another, and within moments it sounded like half the people in the crowd were mooing, while they other half were laughing.
It sounded like Rawhide with a laugh track.
The Group Moo probably lasted for 10 or 20 seconds, but it seemed longer and was a delicious moment of shared mass sillyness.
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My brother and I were at a garage sale, and he, always curious about tools, held up an unfamiliar-looking gardening implement and asked the woman hosting the sale if she knew what it was.
Woman: “My son called it a hoe.”
Me: (shaking my head ruefully) “Kids these days.”
My brother thought it was funny. The woman, not so much.
At my sister’s wedding a few months ago, my mom was scheduled to do the introduction and welcome at the ceremony. As described to everyone, we expected this would take a minute or two as she was going to tell a short story about my sister.
She got up and welcomed everyone and said, “I’d just like to say a few words about my wonderful daughter…”, followed by a 10+ minute long and fairly graphic anecdote about my sister’s birth. You could see eyes glazing over and impatient looking-about the whole time. I was increasingly agitated since my speech was coming up next, and I had worked hard on it, so I was nervous and this just kept extending my anxiety about it. I try to be witty, but getting started is the hardest part.
Finally – after reading about 4 pages of small print – she FINALLY wound up the story and introduced me. People looked bored if not irritated, and all appeared eager to move on with the whole thing and get some cake. Great. Thanks for warming 'em up.
I got up, took the mic, looked straight to the crowd, and said in a deadpan: “Thank you, Mom, for saying a few words.”
Big laugh, huge smiles everywhere. I’ve never made hundreds of people laugh like that. All the tension seemed to melt away. From there, it was easy to keep everyone’s attention and make them laugh again. I still get compliments about the speech.
Mom wasn’t happy, but hey, someone had to say it. 
It’s said that once at a party, George S. Kaufman’s wife sat on a priceless antique chair and it shattered into a pile of expensive splinters. There was complete silence for a second, until George said, “Beatrice, how many times do I have to tell you that’s not funny?”