The funniest off the cuff remark you've ever said

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

The DasUberWench is crashed and I’m sick
of listening to the fools on tv constantly repeating
what they don’t know about the war, and am frankly
feeling a bit maudlin. (but that may have more to do
with the six and half shiner bocks I’ve had)

So, how bout some humor? I’ll start.

Back in the day when I lived in a three bedroom
rental with fifteen or so other assorted slackers
your slightly more prosperous hero worked in a
bbq restaurant. On this particular day I was
working the first station were one takes the
patrons order and disseminates it to the
various other preparation stations about the kitchen.

I had a line of about five or six patrons when the
lady I was currently serving started to dig about the
inside of her purse to check a coupon she feared was
out of date. This goes on for a while and the line starts
to stack up and people start getting that impatient
look when they start to feel they’ve gotten stuck
behind a idiot.

I, on the other hand stood quietly with a blank
expression that only comes from months of experience
and good Mexican compact rolled in a Job 1.5 and
smoked behind the wood stacks on the back patio.
So, said lady is emptying the entire contents of her
purse on the counter when I notice a laminated three
by five-ish card with a hole punched in the top and a
bit of yarn running through the hole. On closer
inspection I see it has a picture of a man dressed
in a brown robe and halo, the odd thing is he’s got
one rather splotchy bare leg stuck out of his robe.

http://www.saintgeo.com/peregrine.htm

Noticing my attention she comments “that’s Saint
Peregrine, the patron saint of cancer victims”
And pointing to his splotchy leg “see he has a
cancer on his leg”
My response?

As Bob is my witness.

“Gee, glad he didn’t have colorectal.”
I’d have been fired if the manager had been
able to stop laughing long enough.

Who’s next?

2

I was working as a puppetteer at a Renaissance Festival. No, really. Anyway, I had a great troll puppet; a skanky, nasty-looking, but somehow cute little guy who had a knack for saying bizarre and slightly off-color things that made people giggle. His name was Bruno Bettelheim. I spent a good chunk of my day on stage, doing shows, but the rest of it I spent wandering around and doing improv with the normal people, using Bruno.

I approached a woman, I’d say in her late twenties, standing with a group of friends.

Bruno: What’s your name?

Helen: Helen.

Bruno: Ah, the face that launched a thousand ships. And not much the worse for wear!

I’ve never been so shocked to hear something come out of my mouth. Bruno, however, seemed nonplussed. The woman, fortunately, almost fell over laughing.

3

One of the London meet-ups … Tansu was talking about her origins (in terms of English counties) and handed me a perfect straight line …

Tansu: I’m Devonian.
Me: But she doesn’t look a day older than Early Triassic.

Amazingly, she didn’t kill me.

4

My sister was dating an SOB airline pilot. He went out west one February to check out a plane he was interested in buying. He and a friend took it up for a test flight when it crashed about two miles or so from the airport in a wooded area. I don’t know if the beacon was working or not but it took the rescuers several days to find/get to them.
When they found them they discovered the passenger had died on impact but SOB didn’t realize this and wrapped him in the reflective blanket to keep him warm and then went off to look for help. Since they had not anticipated the crash, they were not dressed properly for the really cold, snowy conditions. They found SOB about a mile from the crash, frozen to death.

Back on the home front…

I’m down at the house with my sister, a house full of semi-drunk, mourning females (stewardesses and wives of friends and pilots), and our baby sister.
Baby Sister has gone into full protective mode and is keeping the weepy inebriates away from mourning sister.

I’m sitting in the kitchen when the call comes in that they have finalized the plans to get the body back home. When the woman hangs up the phone she tells us that he will be flown back on such and such flight.

My turn…

I look at her and say, ‘that means he’s flying in in baggage, hope they don’t lose him.’

If looks could kill they would have been burying me too.

My mourning sister walked into the kitchen in time to hear me say that but it didn’t register on her at the time, later when she remembered it, she said she thought it was funny.

There is another funny story concerning the plane crash but it requires visuals.

5

I was living with my ex-girlfriend with my mother. ex-GF was off to school. Mom was trying to figure out what to have for dinner.

She pokes her head into my room.

“Whatcha want to have for dinner?”
“I dunno. Ribs maybe.”
“Vegetable?”

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“Oh, I’m sure ribs are fine with her.”

Mom damn near collapsed in the hall.

6

The summer before my first year at college, I got a summer job parking cars for people visiting a gated community (no, not Rikers). It was a chance for a teenager to get behind the wheel of Rolls-Royces, Ferraris, Lamborghini’s, Porsches, etc. if for only a few minutes.

Well, the word came down that we’d lost our contract and were not going to be hired by the next company (no big deal; it meant I’d get August off). The guys were all down & depressed when a kelly-green Jaguar pulls around and I’m up. I walk over to find a beautiful girl getting out of the passenger side and fat grey-haired guy getting out the drivers side. His shirt is open wide to show off his grey chest hair knotted around his gold chains.
He holds the keys up in the air, out of my reach and then says, “Kid, we needs ta have an Understanding. When you park my car, I don’t want it moved again. Can you do that? Can you park my car so it doesn’t get moved again?”

And without missing a beat, I replied

“…Ever?”

The Next summer, I had a job at a bank. It was better pay, but the customers were Jerks. This one customer called me one day to ‘discuss’ his account balance. It turned out to be less discussion & more ‘curse out someone who can’t fight back’ session. Even though I’d matched his deposits to his checks starting at his last year-end balance, he still didn’t get why his check has bounced as he has ‘lots of money’. I finally had it when he started cursing me out again after that, so I put him on hold and brought the issue to a Supervisor.

The Supervisor, seeing I was slightly flustered by the customer said, “That man is a Customer of the Bank. He deserves your Respect. He deserves Good customer service. He deserves Courtesy. Now you get Back on the phone with him and give him what he deserves.”

Now at that point, I had just about flipped, but what I managed to say to the Supervisor was the following:

“Deserves? Deserves!? What That man deserves is “Louisville Slugger” imprinted Backwards across his forehead…!”
I also would have been fired on the spot if the whole office hadn’t broken out laughing…

7

Some old fart bowling buddies (who had to much to drink) came into the bar I was working. One of them grabs hold of my arm and asks the infamous question “Where have you been all my life”? I yanked my arm out of his hand and tell him, “Probably high school”. I swear it was out of my mouth before I knew what I had said. His friends gave him a real hard time about the comment. But hey, I got a good tip anyway. :slight_smile:

8

One of my best friends is a guy who’s pushing 40 and fighting it every step of the way. He’s also a bit of a horn dog.

He had been telling me about this really cute girl who works at the tanning salon he uses. Oh she was so nice… and cute… and he was going to ask her out.

When next I see him, he’s all mopey. So I ask if he asked the girl out.

Well, he was just about to… asking her about her plans for the weekend. And she said that her family was taking her out for her birthday. So he asked how old would she be.

17! He was hitting on a minor!

and I said “Where’s the party? Chuck E Cheese’s?”

9

In a previous job there was a co-worker whose husband is a funeral director. One day she came in all smiles and said, “Guess what, everybody? Chuck got a promotion!”

I said, “Really? How many people does he have under him?” :smiley:

Okay, it’s not a great joke; but how often can you use that one IRL?

I was at Habitat for Humanity last Friday. We were in a loose circle getting a safety briefing when the leader said, “If you see anything that doesn’t look right, be sure to let me know.”

Immediately I pointed at a hapless co-worker and said, “He doesn’t look right!”

He looked like a puppy that had just been kicked. There was a nervous pause, then everybody laughed (including the butt of my joke, whose sense of humour often involves poking fun at other people).

10

I was woozily coming out of general anesthesia after having four wisdom teeth extracted (three badly impacted.)

My face was swelled up like a chipmunk, of course, and my best friend was just sitting there looking at me in fascination. Probably not knowing exactly the best thing to say, he said, “How are you feeling?”
And I replied without even a pause…

“Swell.”

11

I was working as a waitress in a small restaurant and was serving a couple who was clearly on a date. After they had finished their main meal, the man beckoned me over and asked to see a dessert menu.

Since we didn’t have a preprinted menu, I replied “I’m sorry; we don’t have it printed, so I’ll have to give it to you orally.”

: o

My coworkers and the man’s date were rolling in the aisles, but he was not amused.

12

My neighbors, a family of five, was well known in the area because the husband was such a loud-mouthed buffoon. The husband was sporting a new cast on his arm and I asked him what happened. He told me about how all the men went to the bar on Thanksgiving and came home soooo drunk. Of course the women were upset about this so a large fight erupted. The husband told me that during the melee he punched a door, but it was a metal door, so he broke some bones in his hand. I said “So I guess this makes you the Thanksgiving turkey.” All was quiet, the then women started howling. I had to leave because the men didn’t seem to like the joke very much.

13

I was walking up the steps of the student union at the U. of I.
Two frat boys were standing on the side- loudly rating women.
As I passed by, one of them looked at me and said 6.
Without missing a beat I replied “Well, I may be a 6 but I still wouldn’t fuck you!”

14

Some people have bad hair days, I’m having a bad hair life - what’s left is usually oily and generally messed. My wife, an extreme neat and control freak, stays upset about it.

One day, in front of her relatives, she says “WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR!” thinking to embarrass me into doing something about it.

I replied, “It fell out years ago. I would have thought you’d have noticed something like that!”
----- icy stare

15

I was at a convention and discussing employees and work habits with some of the other attendees. One of them asked me, “how many people do you have working for you”? My answer: “Well since I’m here, probably about half of them”.

16

I had to write a report on a client’s new marketing strategy. The client thought it would be a real good idea if I talked to the person who implemented the previous marketing strategy. It wasn’t successful, and the company blamed him for it. Nevertheless he couldn’t have been more gracious and open about discussing where things went right and wrong. As a final question I asked “To sum up, what did we learn from the project?”

He answered with a stunning burst of profanities about how he had worked his f-ing ass off for the f-ing company for 15 f-ing years and his f-ing reward was for the f-ers to fire his f-ing ass, that’s what he learned.

After a second I asked him

“Would you like me to spell that with a ‘ck’ or ‘gg’ when I write the report?”

Fortunately he broke out in a big grin and started laughing.

17

For many years, you bought beer in a strange way in Ontario: you went to the beer store, asked the man behind the counter for your beer, he called the order into a microphone, and took your money. Your beer came rolling out through a hole in the wall from the back.

About fifteen years ago, Ontario beer drinkers were trusted enough to be able to select their own and take it to the front, like a supermarket. This was progress! But there were still many of the older-style stores around.

I worked in both styles, and I was so used to calling the orders into the microphone that when I did cash at the self-serve stores, I still “called” the order based on what the customer brought to the checkout. Someone would have a case of Labatt’s Blue, I’d call loudly, “Twenty-four Blue;” someone else would have a six-pack of Black Label, and I’d call “Six cans of Label!”

But not necessarily Black Label. You see, many brands had shorter versions of their names that we used in-house, because we used them so often: Carlsberg was most often “Carly,” Upper Canada was usually “UC” (pronounced “Yousee”), and Molson Export Ale was always just “Ex.”

So one hot summer Saturday, when I was working in the self-serve I had been assigned to, there was a lineup of people buying beer. One man in line heard me calling the orders as they were purchased. He was buying a six-pack of Molson Export tallboy cans, and when it came his turn to pay, he called his own order:

“I’ve got six tall Ex!”

Withough missing a beat I deadpanned, “Good for you, sir. I’ve only got the one ex, and she was short and fat.”

Everybody in line–including the man with the six tall Exports–broke up laughing.

18

My husband and I had just spent five days in Dallas, he for meetings and me just along for the ride. We had checked out of the hotel and had time to kill before we went to the airport so stopped for ice cream at a drive-thru Dairy Queen-type place.

He had been going on and on about the local drawl and how it didn’t seem to be intuitive, yet it was so easy to pick up. Finally giving me a chance to speak, he said “So why do you think that is?”

As I took my ice cream cone from him, I replied, “I don’t rightly know.”

19

Two favorites of mine – oddly enough, both were directed at the same partner in the executive search firm I worked for. He took the abuse well.

He’s a bit on the short side – maybe 5’5". One day he was regaling some co-workers and me with tales of his fellow alumni, many of whom had gone on to moviemaking. My co-worker asked him, “Why didn’t you become a director?” Before I could stop myself, I replied, “Because they don’t make camera tripods that short.” It was a good five seconds before everyone broke up laughing.

Another time, he was commenting to the group about a neighbor of his. After describing some stupid things this guy did, he commented, “I wonder what it’s like to be married to such a jerk.” I ask you, how could I resist? So I responded…say it with me…

“Ask your wife.”

He then informed me that my last check would be on my desk in the morning.

20

I’m gonna be late to class, but I have to tell this one, even if it’s at my expense.

First, let me explain, I’m a 19-year-old father in college. My roommate last semester was headed off to Thailand in a few days. He was sitting in the hall, talking to friends, when a girl from down the hall comes by. He tells her he’s leaving, she says she’ll miss him and gives him a quick hug. My roommate never had much luck with the opposite sex, so I say, “Aww, poor Josh, that’s the most contact you’ve ever had with a woman.”

Without missing a beat, he says, “Yeah, but at least I know when to stop.”

I had to give him props for that. Then I locked him out. :slight_smile: