Many years ago, I worked on a seafood processing barge in Alaska. During a conversation with a co-worker while sliming fish, I said “Jesus fucking Christ.” He responded with “That’s something I’d like to see.”
Does it count if I’m the one who gave the comeback? I was still pretty surprised.
Back in my sophomore year of high school, I was 6ft tall but still weighed 120 pounds, soaking wet. Walking skeleton, and world-class four-eyed nerd to boot. Essentially free pickings for bullying. I was in chemistry class, where there was a senior (who was retaking the class because he’d failed it before) that was huge. Size and shape of a refrigerator. He had the misfortune of sitting right in front of my friend and I, way in the back corner. He already liked to pick on me, but the incessant joking and giggling between my friend and I would routinely send him over the edge (it was never directed at him; we were just the kind of students that most teachers learned to separate before the year was halfway through).
One day, one of his buddies in the class (another senior) made some joke at his expense, and of course I laughed. I would have laughed even if it had been made at me; it was a good crack. So the guy whirls around, glares at me, and goes “What are you laughing at? Who do you think you are?” and before my brain could process anything, my mouth immediately shot out “Your superior.” He went livid and very quiet. My friend damn near shit herself, silenced by both fear and hysterics. I about did the same, once my brain caught up with what happened. I was convinced I was a dead man walking, and prayed I never bumped into him outside of class.
I still don’t really know what possessed me to say that. His fist was the size of my entire head. This guy was scary. I think the comment may have been loosely related to some inside joke in my circle of friends at the time. Regardless, my friends never let me forget it.
One time, when a country and Western band was taking requests, I called out, “I Walk the Line”. They shot back, “You do not.”
Friend was working on the top of a helicopter when he snagged his finger on something.
Him: Ouch
Me: Dude, quit being a fucking girl.
Him: Your mom’s a girl! Wait…damnit.
Overheard conversation between a girl and her aunt:
G: “Ow. My feet hurt. These shoes hurt!!”
A: “Honey, it hurts to be beautiful”
G: “How would you know?”
My sister-in-law was putting on her makeup and her grandson, age about 4, asked what she was doing. “Making myself beautiful,” she said. His reply?
“I don’t think it’s working.”
I used to call my gf a weenie. She hated it. “You are what you eat,” I said.
“What does that make you?” she replied.
My daughter is quite gorgeous, but also quite mean to boys. She doesn’t try to be mean, she’s not shallow – in fact, I think it’s exactly because she isn’t shallow that she ends up being so mean. She just doesn’t want to be in a “teenaged relationship” with anyone. Yet, she’s a terrible flirt – all the time, boys or girls, she flirts. Her current not-boyfriend – whom we actually really like, he’s a good kid – is madly, deeply and ridiculously in love with her and we are constantly telling him he’s a masochist for it. Usually, he just grins and says “yeh, I know.” Last week, he was over at the house and my husband was ribbing him about how mean Daughter is to him and how he is a masochist, blah blah blah, when Not-Boyfriend looked at my husband and grinned this evil grin before saying “yeh, who are you to talk, you married her mom!” That stopped my husband dead in his tracks before we all laughed ourselves silly.
Here’s one I scored.
Coworker is working with some tool and brings it to me.
CoW: Is it me or is this tool not very sharp?
Me: Both of you are not very sharp.
I have a friend who scores these constantly. You just can’t beat him - if you ever get one in on him, he’ll shoot another one right back at you.
Me: “Whatcha reading?”
Him: “Seneca’s On the Shortness of Life.”
Me: “What do you think of it?”
Him: “It’s too bloody long.”
Me: “Ah, my young friend - vita brevis, but ars longa!”
Him: “Yes - life is short, and you have a big arse.”
I mean, what are you gonna do?
An exchange between a friend of mine and a teacher who had just assigned more homework:
Student: “Jesus Christ!”
Teacher: “No, just me, but the mistake is understandable.”
I’ve been waiting to use that line for quite a while now.
I did actually, just recently, as I mentioned in the “guess the movie from the punch line” thread, get in my favorite quote from North by Northwest with a young (and rather shapely) girl I work with. She’s a good decade younger than me, so I try to do the “older and condescending” thing with her (jokingly, of course).
Me: Hi, there, little girl.
Her: Oh, no - I’m a *big *girl.
Me: (Seeing my chance, pauses, looks her over.) Yeah - and in all the right places, too.
Of course, the danger of bombing completely was there, but she gave me a look that said “damn, that was pretty classy”, and she’s been very nice to me since, so I think I pulled it off.
When my youngest sister was still a smartass in training, she was doing something that was irritating our brother. He finally said to her “Quit acting like an idiot!”
To which she fired back: “Who’s acting??”
We all enjoyed it more than she did…
In college my RA told me that someone knocked on her door to proselytize and the person asked her. “Do you know Jesus?”
She answered, “Not in the Biblical sense.”
You win the thread.
Ok, so I went to a Jesuit College with a resident priest who ate his meals with us in the cafeteria. I was behind him in the food line one night and being a smart ass, asked:
“So Fr. Ed, if Mary was a virgin what did poor Joseph do?”
With no hesitation at all Fr. Ed turned his 6’ 8" self around and replied:
“He used his two good hands, just like the rest of us.”
This is secondhand, since I didn’t actually hear the “comeback” myself, but it tickles me.
Several years ago, my elderly Sunday school teacher mentioned that he had asked a neighbor if he’d like to come visit our church. The neighbor said “No, thanks. The Christian church is full of hypocrites.” My Sunday school teacher replied cheerfully “Oh, it’s nowhere near full. There is always room for one more.”
Okay, this one came out of me 15 or 16 years ago, when I was about 19 years old. I was my first job at a small local company. For what ever reason, my boss Ed, and one of the company’s best sales person, Cheryl, had a HUGE blowout that morning, and we all overheard it. The boss was being quit an ass. Cheryl stormed out completely upset and drove off after shouting several pejoratives.
A few hours later, the office had cooled off, and we all went about our normal business for the day. The few of us that needed to, were taking note of something pretty impressive our boss Ed did (I forget the details), and the rest of the bunch was kissing his ass. When one retorted “Shit Ed, what are you, some kind of magician?” Without hesitation I said, “Well, he did make Cheryl disappear.”
That was a good day. At least for me.
Once upon a time long ago, I got really lucky in a bar on a Saturday night. Took a try at the hottest girl in the place and in ten minutes time she was leaving with me.
Two of my “friends” were standing near the door, and as we were exiting one said "You’re not leaving with him are you? The other one chipped in: “If you leave with him, you’re making a BIG mistake.”
Right at the door the girl turned around and sweetly said: “I’ll tell you if it was a mistake or not after we’re finished”. The look on their faces was, well, priceless.
I have been planning to say that for a long time! It just hasn’t come up yet!