Many years ago, a (conservative) friend of mine was debating politics with me (a liberal) and he used the phrase “Bleeding heart liberals…” My response: “Better to have a bleeding heart than none at all.”
He was stunned by my comment. He paused for a few seconds and said… “wow, that’s a really good response. I guess I’ll never use that term ever again.” 
My boyfriend and I were having some sort of friendly debate or give-and-take, I forget exactly, but he said, “a chicken doesn’t know when it’s looking in the mirror.” I said to him (who’s blind) - “you don’t either”.
That’s one time he didn’t have anything to say back right away!
Not mine, but damn good IMO.
Cheesy guy in my high school class suggests that this girl should sit on his face cause she would really enjoy it.
Her immediate response: “Why, is your nose bigger than your dick?”
" . . . I know you are, but what am I?"
Oh wait, I’m not six anymore. I’ll have to come back.
Jerkstore!
It was misting out. I was wearing the cast on my arm. Two men carrying a huge open awning practically knocked me over… I said “You now, most people only carry an umbrella.”
They were about fifty feet away from me when I heard both of thrm dissolve into helpess laughter.
years ago an old ex girlfriend of mine told me she was getting married. I said "I didn’t even know you were pregnant’. It just came out. It may have been a smidgen rude.
She was.
At a staff meeting at work a few years ago a software developer was complaining about lack of input from the customer. The customer didn’t like an empty field but hadn’t specified a default value. The developer was on his rant saying “He just needs to tell us what he wants. We’ll make it zero, negative five, pi…” I interupted with “Don’t be irrational”.
I suspect that in some long forgotten place I’d heard a similar joke but the application was perfect for the situation.
Not mine, but heard this from a coworker…
We had a guy with a really dry personality who had just started. He liked to get involved in everyone else’s conversations and would start acting like he knew everything about every subject.
They were talking about kayaking or something one day and he came in and started talking about how he knew everything about the subject…
The coworker says “Hey, we’ve got us a sexual intellectual”
Dry guy says “Huh”
Coworker says “Yeah, a fuckin’ knowitall”.
billfish, I believe that the correct term is “prick”, no cheesy high school guy involved but rather A Suit in a pub and I coined the term in 1981.
Back in high school, in English, I had to give a presentation in front of the class on Brownings poem “My Last Duchess”
After researching it I found the duchess would have been none other than Lucrezia Borgia. Amongst the illustrations I had for the presentation was a copy of a painting featuring her father, Rodrigo Borgia, who became Pope as Alexander VI
When I mentioned this one student raised their hand and asked “If he was Pope, how could he have children?”
My riposte? * “Well, just about like any other man I guess!”*
I think this thread is proving that for a witty riposte to actually be witty, you had to be there…
Tacky co-worker, having had flowers delivered to the office: Ooo! Guess I’ll have my legs in the air tonight!"
Me: Why? Haven’t you got a vase?
I would love to have seen the look on his face. Ha. Good one.
Walking into the building one cloudy morning with rain in the forecast, I was joined by a co-worker carrying an umbrella.
She: No umbrella?
Me: I won’t need one.
She: Not expecting it to rain?
Me: Not expecting it to rain on me.
I’ll swear to this day that I heard the gears seize up in her head.
:D:D:D
At a restaurant with my parents. Mom says, “Wow, I’m having such intense deja vu!”
Without missing a beat I said, “We heard you the first time.”
This threw mom into such confusion that my dad broke up laughing.
Witty AND recursive!
I reflexively pulled out the old chestnut in college when I was wandering around the dorms and saw a guy in the threshhold of his dorm room, dressed only in his underwear, casually chatting with two fully clothed girls in the hallway.
As I passed, one of the girls said to me “how would it feel to be talking to two girls in your underwear?”
Without skipping a beat I answered “if they were in my underwear? Sure!”
Schadenfreude at its finest.
There was always the classic line from Airplane; “How do you like your coffee?” to which the little girl replied, “Black - like my men.”
After a rather bad break-up when asked how I like my coffee, I would retort, “Like my men - ground up and in the freezer.”
Not entirely original, but I was sitting at lunch with a bunch of co-workers, one of whom was complaining unendingly about some part of his lunch that had gone missing. The last straw was when he whined, “But who should I tell about it?”
I had some change on the table left from the pop machine, and I flipped a quarter across the table at him and said, “Here’s a quarter, call someone who cares.”
(Not brilliant, but the song had been in my head.)