Great comeback lines you're going to hell for

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m in line at WalMart. The clerk is telling the cute guy ahead of me she doesn’t need to card him for cigarettes because she knows him. I recognize her voice, check out her nametag…yep, it’s Betty, who used to go to my church, was a total flake, and is bi-polar. I haven’t seen her in at least five years, and I’ve changed a lot, plus I was never big on her radar, so I figure she won’t recognize me. But as my turn comes, I greet her warmly as if she WOULD recognize me, but without calling attention to the fact that I know her, and ask how she’s doing. From her response, it’s clear she doesn’t even SEE me…we’re making standard clerk/customer chitchat, and she says she’s stessed out. I ask why, and she says, “You saw that guy ahead of you in line? Well, I’m going to marry him in a week and a half.”

Now this is where I neglect to tamp down my evil side, and I respond, “Does he know anything about this plan?”

See what I mean? Straight to hell!

But honestly, her behavior years ago made it entirely likely that she could fixate on some random cute guy and decide he was her chosen soulmate without ever having been introduced to him. Fortunately for me, she was entirely oblivious to my sarcasm and sailed off into telling me he’s busy building a chapel in his backyard for the wedding, and just burbles on and on. I leave, and resist the compulsion to race out into the parking lot and find this guy and ask him, “You know she’s a crazy woman, right?” But I really, really wanted to!

So what snappy comeback have you made recently that’s got you a reserved seat on the bus to The DarkSide?

2

About four years ago, when I taught in a very small town, I headed into the one restaurant open after eight p.m. for some late dinner. All the tables and booths were taken, so I ended up at the bar.

The lady sitting next to me struck up a conversation, noting how nice my handwriting is, and come to find out she’s a teacher as well. I ask her what subject she teaches, and she says “special ed.”

Her husband leaned over, looked down my blouse and said, “you know, retards.”

Without missing a beat, I answered, “you mean, like her husband?” and I pointed back at his wife.

He shut the hell up for the whole rest of the time I was there, and the lady and I chatted for another twenty minutes or so about the town, the school, the weather, and other harmless topics.

3

I had a customer telling a very sweet story about how he and his wife would be celebrating their 50th anniversary soon. I said “Gee, I’ve only been dealing to you for 15 minutes and I’m already sick of you.”

He tells that story to every table he sits at. Looks for me in the rotation and always greets me as I go through the room.

4

My buddy and I were cruising down Main St. in Orillia one sunny summer day in his car – a winter beater that had been beaten senseless by every season. There’s no car stereo, so I’ve got my little ghetto blaster on the center console blaring some tunes. We’re stopped at a light and these two girls sidle up to the car and ask what we’re listening to. I show them the cassette. After a brief conversation we ended up making an impromptu date later to meet up at Harvey’s. Later, we did. And I couldn’t have been more disinterested – though they were both pretty perky and dumb, the one I was stuck with was utterly vapid. I contributed little to the conversation because nothing she could possibly say interested me in the slightest. Didn’t stop her from talking, though. Endlessly. Incessantly. About sweet bugger all. It was almost morbidly fascinating to see how long she could go without injecting anything of substance into her conversation.

Anyway, we depart and that’s the last I see of them until two nights later, when my buddy was DJing a dance at the local church. I’m milling about on the dance floor when behind me I hear a bubbly “Hi!” I turn around, and it’s them.
The vapid one says, “Remember us from the other night?”
“Yes,” I said, trying to phrase it as politely as possible. “You left quite an impression.”
She beams so brightly it’s blinding, and gives an empty-headed “Why thank you!”
I couldn’t help myself. She set it up so perfectly. Without thinking or missing a beat, I smirked and said, “I didn’t say it was good.”
I swear I could see a tail between her legs.

5

Perhaps one day you may learn to channel this terrible power to good.

6

I don’t know if I am goint to hell for it but; A few months ago at work I walk into the downstairs mens restroom and the motorclothes manager is in there peeing. He quite kindly greets me “Hey big guy” (im 6’3", for some reason people tend to call me big guy, annoys the hell out of me) I immediately pop off with " Hey little man"… After about a second I realize what I just said, and how bad it could come off in a restroom, and I laugh a bit.

Luckily he found it funny too, but I dont know if for the same reason.
Fry

7

I can’t so much take credit for it, since it was from a t-shirt I loved, but it sure had my kids laughing hysterically.

This weekend, while trying to go to Ross, I had my left blinker on – there was a choice parking spot and I just had to wait for a car to pass by to take it. I wanted to make sure that people behind me knew I was going to turn, as I was in the main driving area of the parking lot. The truck behind me apparently was more than a little confused as to the meaning of a left-turn signal blinking, so as soon as the car passed by (the one I was waiting to pass, so as not to be in an accident, strangely enough) the truck behind me attempted to pass me on my left side. When I went ahead and turned (yeh, I’m like that), he started honking and yelling at me and I let fly with a few (ok a lot) of choice words, which might actually have made a few people blush.

As this was going on, a lady was walking past with 4 (teenaged) kids in tow. She looked at me and muttered (loud enough for me to hear, thankyouverramuch) something about my being a foul-mouthed somethingorother. I looked at her sweetly, smiled and said “oh, gosh, I am so sorry. How fucking dare I fucking curse in front of your goddamned kids?” and parked my car. My kids were howling with laughter. Yeh, I would be going to Hell, except that my daughter says Satan is skeert of me.

8

This one is a repeat, but it fits nicely:

Good timing – I had a “nosy bitch gets comeuppance” situation last night.

(Quick backstory – my daughter does not breast feed. She spent quite awhile in the NICU after she was born, and never really developed a bonding for her mom’s boob. Hence, she gets formula. Anyway…)

We were running low on powdered baby formula, so I had to run out to Acme and pick up a can. Apparently the area we’re living in has had a bit of a formula shoplifting problem in the past, because they keep the cans behind the customer service counter – you have to go up and ask for it.

In this scene, we have myself, the cashier, and the stupid nosy-ass ignorant lady who was standing behind me in line. To give you some perspective of this woman, she was going to cash in her ticket from the CoinStar machine in order to buy scratch-off lottery tickets. Anyway:

Me: A can of Similac Isomil Soy Formula, please. [note: Soy formula does not make my daughter a filthy hippie]
Cashier: $24.99 please.
SN-AIL: Wow! That stuff is expensive!
Me: Mmm hmmm. <swipes debit card>
SN-AIL: I’m glad I didn’t have to pay for that stuff for my babies!
Me: Mmm hmmm. <punches in PIN code>
SN-AIL: I can’t see why anyone would pay for that stuff when you can feed 'em for free!
Me: Mmm hmmm. <gets confirmation of payment>
SN-AIL: Because that’s a lot of money, you know?
Me: Mmm hmmm. <takes bag from cashier>
SN-AIL: So why doesn’t you breast feed your baby?
Me: Because I don’t produce much breast milk, and my wife died in childbirth, thank you very much. <walks out leaving SN-AIL sputtering to herself>

Of course, now my wife thinks I’ve jinxed her to die in childbirth the next time we have a baby. Ah well. The moral? If you breast feed, that’s just super for you. But if you want to tell others to do so, without knowing the reasoning behind the bottle feeding, kindly fuck right the fuck off.

9

“Oh yeah? Well, I renounce God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit!”

10

This is one of the few times I’ve been able to think fast enough to pull something like this off:

The wife and I were in Vegas and she wanted to see a particular Cirque show. I went to box office to get tickets and was informed by the nice lady that the show was closed for the week. But, they were featuring Roseanne Barr and would I like to buy tickets for her show?

In my slowest Texas drawl, “Ma’am, I would rather eat a big ol’ bowl of dirt.”

I thought she was going to fall down laughing.

Another one, same trip, not mine: We were walking down the sidewalk and encountered a young man who was very enebriated. He told me he was a Marine just back from Iraq. I kept talking to him as we walked along. He handed my wife a flower and said, “I got this from some cult guy up the street. He started telling me something but told him I was going to kick him in the balls as hard as I could. He didn’t want to preach to me anymore.”

I decided to try that line on the next some time-share huckster approached me on the Strip. They must have seen it in my eyes because they left me alone for the rest of the trip.

11

Quite a few years ago, the local rock bar used to have dollar drink nights on Sundays. One Sunday night, I’m in line at the bar to by drinks for me and my friend, and a cute girl comes up behind me and asks me if I will buy her a drink. Now normally on dollar drink night, I’ll buy anybody a drink, but I had noticed her earlier and although she was cute, I found her quite annoying. This combined with how clearly she expected me to say yes caused me to say,"sorry, I can’t. I’m already buying drinks for me and my friend here. My friend, trying to cause trouble, whispers something in her ear. She then says to me,“your friend says if I bug you long enough, you’ll buy me a drink.” To which I responded,“No, he said if you blow me long enough, I’ll buy you a drink.” She looked completely stunned. She spent the rest of the night talking angrily to her friends while pointing my direction. Priceless…

12

I had a boss, let’s call him Johnson…

Johnson: “Can you come in on Saturday? Tell your wife it’s that Asshole Johnson.”
Me: “That Asshole Johnson excuse isn’t working anymore.”

13

From a summer job in HS, where I was working parking cars:

“Kid, I want you ta pahk dis cah so it don’ get moved again. Git me?”

“Ever…?”

14

I originally posted this in September last year, but I think it’s fitting here, too.

**One-upped on my own joke! **

So I get off work today, Razorette’s enroute home from a seminar in Denver, so I stop at the local McD’s to pick up supper. A rather large Lincoln pulls into the parking lot just ahead of me, and two women and a man get out. We all go into the McD’s, and it becomes apparent that one woman (larger of the two) believes the world revolves around her; the other is mousey, despite her considerable size, and the man is utterly aloof. As we order and wait for our meals, a handsome young Hispanic man is conversing in Spanish with a lovely young lady behind the counter, who is giggling, also in Spanish.

Presently, the trio gets their order; the man takes his bag of food and heads toward the door, Mousey gets her diet soda, and Her Royal Highness bothers the counter girl for a replacement cup for her water (the original had a bent rim.) HRH then discovers that there is lemonade coming out of the water dispenser. She reports this and demands a new cup. The manager is summoned. He perceives that a mixup has been made when the help recently changed out the drink canisters; he disappears into the back. He has barely disappeared when HRH loudly wonders where he has gone and how long she must wait for a simple drink of water. Counter Girl responds patiently that the manager has gone to check the hookups, and will be right back. A moment later he appears and says all should be right. HRH again tests the spigot, again draws lemonade. With great flourish, she deposits the now soiled cup on the counter and demands that her money be returned. The manager assures her everything is OK, presses the spigot button and holds it down until the lemonade is discharged and clear water flows. A new cup is produced and filled. As the crystal clear Colorado water flows into the cup, Her Royal Highness declaims to all who can hear that this is the worst service she has had to endure “since Florida,” whatever that means.

Unable to contain myself, I remark to the ever-patient manager, “Y’know, the trouble with tourist season is that you can’t actually shoot 'em.” There is a stunned silence, into which the young Hispanic man leans and opines: “That’s okay – the hides are worthless and they taste like shit.”

I almost peed my pants.

HRH grabbed her lunch and marched indignantly out the door, Mousey right behind her. The manager appeared on the verge of a heart attack. Hispanic Lad winked at us, picked up his lunch and left.

If we’re all lucky, Her Royal Highness will never stop in Colorado again.

15

VeryCoolSpouse was composing a reply to an adoptive mom who likes to sing “Jesus Loves the Little Children” to her adopted Chinese daughter. The mom didn’t understand how “Red and Yellow, Black and White” could be offensive.

I said:

Yeow. Sometimes my lyric writing skills work faster than my internal censor.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure it’s Hell for me.

16

I’ll buy *you * a drink. I mean, you *deserve * a drink for what you’ve done. No, no, I mean that was a good job there, Red . . . .

Aw, never mind. You’re funny.

17

One day me and a buddy were hanging out when he gets a call from his wife. She had put a roast on and wanted him to get something on his way home from picking up the kid.

One thing leads to another, he gets another call from her reminding him that he has forgotten to pick up the kid (high school age, at a friend’s house, not like newborn abandonment). She was pretty hacked, but told him she’d get the kid.

Well, things didn’t go as planned picking up the kid and the roast burned. She called to inform him that supper was burned and he better get something else if he wanted to eat. So me and my buddy went to her favorite restaurant. She didn’t make the trip, but he had called and told her that’s where we were heading, just in case.

Side note: I’d been drinking pretty much all day. Buddy doesn’t drink.

After we get done eating, we head to his place (I’m staying there for a couple of days).

She greets us as we get there and asks, “How was supper?”.

I reply, “Beat the hell out of that roast!”

Talk about the evil eye, I was whisked away before physical violence was visited upon me.

18

Oh, husband just reminded me of another one that was quite funny. At the mall, some stall-hawker of cheap videos tried to stop me by saying “we have a huge selection of movies for $5 each!” Without missing a step (or a beat) I smiled and said “no thanks, we prefer to make our own” My daughter said the poor fellow’s jaw dropped to the floor as he slowly stuttered his “oh, ok…have fun with that?” reply :smiley:

19

The wife and I were at the park the other day. She was watching this gal play frisbee with her Husky, a breed she has always liked.

Her: “I think in a former life I was a Husky.”

Me: “Former life?”
Welcome: Doghouse.
Population: You. :smack:

20

That is the funniest thing I’ve seen or heard in quite a while. How evil, I just love it.