About 30 years ago I went to Italy with a tour group. One day when we were in Rome, we had some free time. I said I was taking a side trip to the Protestant cemetery to see the graves of Keats and Shelley. A woman asked, “Oh, were you an English Major?” I replied, “No, I speak it.”
And you’re proud of yourself for this? Amazing.
Litoris must be one of those weirdos who doesn’t like strangers muttering about her.
Just tonight, at my lodge meeting.
The wife of one of the officers came up to me. I’m 6’ 7" and she couldn’t be more than 4’ 9" tall.
She walked up to me, looked up, and said: “You’re a big one! Do you play basketball?”
I shot back, “No, I don’t. Do you play miniature golf?”
:eek:
Pamphleteer: Have you found Jesus yet?
Me: I didn’t even know he was missing! I’ll keep a lookout for him and let you know if I see him.
And, yes, I had been saving that one up for a while. 
Point of fact…yeah it does.
After I had finished my PhD, I went on a vacation. The tour guide on this trip constantly kept ribbing me, telling me that I was too intelligent.
Eventually, when in front of the whole group, he told me that I would need to hide my intelligence or I would never get a husband, i just sighed and said:
"You’re perfectly right. Beauty is more useful for a woman than intelligence. After all, most men use their eyes, but not their brains.
At a family party, I’m sitting quietly and enjoying the night air in the garden. My cousin wanders by and, as I’m not joining in with the throng, asks “Hey, Mal, what do you know that we don’t?”. And the only answer I can give is “More than you can possibly imagine”.
I’m waiting for the opportunity to use “Yes. He was behind the couch the entire time.”
Radio Shack sales drone: “Can I help you find anything?”
Kevbo:“Not in my experience.”
In the midst of a heated argument…
“Do you know what the difference is between me and you?”
“Yeah! People won’t be cheering at my funeral!”
My old boss was notoriously bad at cooking. She burned water. So one day she comes in and says,
“I cooked something! I cooked something! I put it in my…”
and I cut in “Easy-Bake Oven?”
The look on her face was priceless.
I went to a Big Ten University. Who cares, right? Well, another family member of mine was a bit…snotty…about it. “My state school is every bit as good, and just costs less.”
Said family member had applied to the Big Ten school and been rejected. I didn’t CARE…and figure he got a fine education, I just got sick of hearing how poor my school was and how his was superior and other such quips.
So at one Thanksgiving dinner he’s telling me how expensive his books for his classes (which are every bit as good as MY classes) are, and how he’s going to have to take out a loan, blah, blah, blah.
And I said, “Really? I had no idea coloring books would be so pricey.”
He’s still pissed at me.
I was in my favorite drinking establishment sampling their adult beverages. Pretty much everyone there knew each other (it’s that kinda place). Flirtatious female walks in and begins coming on to a guy that everyone (except her) knows is gay. When he tells her that he is not interested in females, instead of being cool about it she makes a rude remark and moves off with her drink.
At this point, all of “the regulars” do not like flirtatious female.
So, she walks down the bar, obviously appraising each male as she walks by. She reaches me and gives me a longer look. She leans forward, displaying what is down her blouse, and says, “So how 'bout you? Do you like girls?”.
I reply, “Why, yes, I do”.
She puts her hand on my arm and begins to sit down. I say, “Whoa. I said I like girls, but you in particular I do not.”
Everyone within earshot broke up laughing. The few people that didn’t hear what I said found out from those who did, and there was a second wave of laughter. Flirtatious female runs out of the bar. Gay guy sends me over a drink, as do a few others.
I’m going to hell anyway (for many other reasons) but this’ll help.
I’ve had to use this one several times:
generic person: [after many, many minutes babbling about their boyfriend or their daughter’s boyfriend] “So, have you found anyone yet?”
JP: “No one with a six-figure income.”
Not particularly hell-worthy, though I did once say it in front of a lady who had just come out of a nasty divorce.
A guy I used to work with wanted to beat me to within an inch of my life after I popped off one time. He ended up laughing, but for a few seconds I thought I’d have a black eye. My brain-to-mouth filter was NOT working that day!
He had just finished relating his tale of woe: apparently, his little girl (five or six at the time, I believe) was entering counseling because she had a little problem. See, they had a cat. This cat was NOT happy. The reason was, the little girl had this nasty habit of picking up said kitty, opening her jaws, and biting off hunks of fur.
(Yeah, I thought that was pretty weird too, but I digress…)
So he finishes the tale, and in an attempt to cheer him up, I tell him to look on the bright side. “What bright side?” he asks.
“Why, just think of how popular she’s going to be when she gets older. I mean, she already knows how to eat pussy…”
About five seconds of stunned shock on both our parts – holy shit, did I just SAY that?!? – and then the explosion.
I’m not just going to hell… I’m driving the bus!
while hanging out with my friends we all end up resorting to juvenile mom-jokes as good-natured jibes. Well, a friend of a friend that I hadn’t met before was hanging out one day, and in an effort to make him feel a part of the group I cracked a mom joke towards him:
Him: My mom is dead.
Now I have two choices: a) play it safe and apologize, only to find out that he’s using the common “my mom’s dead” ploy to counter the mom joke, or 2) call his bluff. I opted for the second choice:
Me: So that’s why she wasn’t moving…
Silence fills the room, and one of my friends leans over and whispers to me, “Dude, his mom is actually dead…”
Figures.
Another time, while walking through the mall, an annoying kiosk-guy very obnoxiously stepped into my path and tried to hand me a brochure about a pool. I told him I was allergic to water and pushed past him while he was still trying to figure it out. (Not exactly hell-worthy but still amusing)
I use to work with this guy that was in his 60s and claimed to be having his first book published. When asked what it was about he’d say that the first half was a guide to everything women need to know and the second half was about his experiences with internet dating. (he was married and would take his dates out only to be interviewed. His wife Ok’d all of this BTW) Anyway, he was not well liked around the office and the ladies especially were creeped out by his presense. Not to mention he was dumb as a rock and any writing of his could only be appreciated by those who dispise him.
After a year of his book being “about to be” published he told us all how he wanted to have a book signing on that special day. I corrected him “Don’t you mean a garagesale slash book signing.” Everybody burst into laughter.
I wanted him to hate me and my wish was granted.
I thought of this thread this morning, as I was fed the straight line of all time. My office manager was lamenting that she hasn’t seen her OBGYN in 4 years. I was telling her she should go, early cervical cancer diagnosis/etc.
She replied, “But it’s so hard to get in”. (hard to get an appointment)
My reply, “They use a speculum these days”.
See, at my place that would’ve gotten you another free beer. And yes, my mom died recently. Hell, maybe I’ll send you a beer anyway …