What was the last perfect (or near-perfect) comeback you gave?

I dropped by the office of a friend to say hi and give a holiday gift recently. We’re old friends, but we hadn’t seen each other in a while. Now, he’s only about 30, but he’s pretty much male-pattern bald. I myself am a short person. So he comes out, and the following dialogue (with nary a pause in between) ensues:

HIM: Hey, Leaper. How’s it going?
ME: Going good.
HIM (looking me over): Boy, I would’ve thought you’d have gotten a little taller.
ME: Yeah, well, I would’ve thought you’d have grown more hair.

The passing coworker chuckled, and he seemed to get a kick out of it. I was just proud that I’d managed to get out the retort without stumbling and with all due speed.

When was your last similar experience?

It wasn’t a reply to an insult, but I was proud of myself when I managed to pull off the following on Tuesday:

Friend [on phone]: Yeah, uh… eight or ten inches?
Me [glancing at my crotch]: How did you know? Oh, the pizza!

Not the type of joke I usually do. What I was happy about was that I did it immediately, with a straight face, and really delivered it right. Broke the room up pretty good.

My friend, his fiancée and I are all pretty good friends, and we engage in a good deal of friendly back-and-forth zingfests. We all know each other’s “buttons” quite well: Friend hates being stereotyped as a womanizer, and I hate being called out when I phrase something stupidly. But Fiancée is much more sensitive about her pet peeve than either myself or Friend: she hates insinuations that she is a lesbian. Neither Friend nor I have any idea why, but we take any and all opportunity to capitalize on it (myself moreso than Friend, since A. I think anti-lesbianism is stupid, and B. she won’t punch me :smiley: ).

Anyway, we’re sitting around one day in Friend’s apartment, and he’s showing us his latest acquisition: a doofy-ass hat given to him by one of the girls at work. It’s a little difficult to describe; it’s shaped like a bell, but with six sides that curve slightly inward, like an octagonal prism that’s been squished at one end. More than anything else, it resembles a wicker-weave lampshade, but, as Fiancée pointed out, it also looks quite a bit like those stereotypical Dutch hats you see in cartoons or on the old Swiss Miss logo. She then put the hat on her head to demonstrate this point.

FIANCÉE: See, I look like a little Dutch girl!
ME: Yeah, you do! Now why don’t you go stick your finger in a dyke?
FIANCÉE: :eek:
FRIEND: :smiley:
ME: :stuck_out_tongue:

Actually, as impressed as I was with myself, I was equally impressed that both of them immediately got the reference. Oh, and…remember when I said she wouldn’t punch me? Seems I lied.

On our honeymoon, the wife became enthralled with the idea of buying a full length down body pillow. Yes, it’s just about the comfyest thing in the world, but seeing as we’re stuck with a full size bed, there won’t be room for ME anymore. So, the body pillow is a no-go until we get a new place and larger bed. Fast forward a couple of months and we’re walking through some home store past a display of body pillows:

The Mrs. “I want a body pillow!”
Me “Yeah? Well, I want a pony!”

Aesiron: I hate having longish hair; I pull at it when bored

Best Friend: I have never pulled my own hair out of boredom. Ergo, you are a freak.

Aesiron: I’ve been doing it for the past two hours

Best Friend: I see. I AM BORING. You fuckface.

Aesiron: I’ve never been fucked, let alone in the face.

Best Friend: Now there’s a mental image.

Aesiron: A very nice one.

Best Friend: Stop getting turned on!

Aesiron: I’d have to stop talking to you.

Best Friend: You really know how to make a girl blush!

Now if I only had a quarter of that wit when talking in person.

Me: Boss The (Saudi) students are outside, they want you to release them early today.

(Saudi) Boss: Tell them we refuse to negotiate with terrorists.

This isn’t my zinger, but it was pretty good.

I recently returned from a trip to Israel with about 40 other Jews from the University of Arizona. Part of the trip was a few hours at the Dead Sea, at a hotel on the sea. I was in the room where guys were changing into their swimsuits, and one guy took off this shirt and boy he had some honkers.

Me: “Damn son, you’ve got bigger tits than my last girlfriend!” [Not true, she had 36Cs]
Him: “Your girlfriend? I’m not surprised.”

Not my last one, but I was/am particularly proud of this. Back in high school I got a fair amount of, ah, negative attention for my hair. Shortly before coming back from one vacation, I had my father cut off enough hair that I wouldn’t get quite as much flack for it, but enough that my scalp wouldn’t be visible from two zip codes away.

At lunch one day, one fellow decided to crack a funnee: “Yeah, but you still look like a girl.”

This guy had a fairly high voice. I immediately respond: “Yeah, and you still sound like one.”

Entire table of people, and some from other tables, start cracking up, ragging on the guy etc. … since I am/was not known for my quick wit and this guy … was. He couldn’t come up with anything, just said “It’s … it’s alright. I’m-”

That was all I was able to hear. Anything he said beyond that was either lost to the guys who were laughing their asses off (the noise deafened his weak attempts) or lost to the guys who were walking away retelling the story.

I once worked with a girl who was very, very vain. The one thing she was insecure the most about was the fact that she was very flatchested.
Well, she ended up cheating on her longtime boyfriend with one of our forklift drivers - a real assaholic. He cheated on his wife to be with Miss Thing, and bragged about it to everyone at work. He began leering at us other women - you see, he was pushing 50, and this girl was my age, we were 23 at the time. The leers from him were his way of saying “I got one of you, I could have any one of you I want.” It gave us all the heebies. He started wearing cologne to work, and strutting up to all of us younger women, hitting on us in front of his new mistress. He left his wife, and ditched his kids completely. He refused to pay any child support, because he figured he’s “done enough for them”. His kids were aged 8-12. Real winner, this guy.
So, time goes by, and they are still together, but Miss Thing is starting to realise she snagged a loser. He wouldn’t help her with her bills in any way, or look after her kid (what the heck did you expect, woman?), but worse, he wouldn’t let her go out, not even to get her hair cut. If another man spoke to her, he would yell at her when they got home, saying it was her fault.
I’m getting to it, hang on! :wink:

So, one day on our lunch break, we’re all sitting together at a table, her next to her lousy man, and one lady began to complain about how she had a terrible backache. We teased her about it being her boobs that were weighing her down (no kidding, this lady was a bra size E). Obviously, Miss Thing is quite jealous of the giant boobed woman, and so after big boobs leaves, Miss Thing speaks up:
(MT = Miss Thing)

MT: I’m so glad I don’t have boobs that big.
Friend: Oh, you don’t even wear a bra, you wouldn’t know!
MT: Well. It doesn’t matter. I more than make up for it. I have a perfect ass.
Me (dryly): Yes, I see that. He’s sitting right beside you.

Here’s a shorter one:

Friend: He was the same age as me back then.
Me: So you’re older than him now?

Ar ar ar. [/Mork]

A colleague said to me, jokingly I might add,

“You admire me don’t you TastesLikeBurning?”

To which I replied,

“Yes I do.” “For someone with such severe autism to be able to do the job you do, all the while being a husband and a father, is something that truly amazes me.”

We both laughed.

My younger sister and I are both smartasses, and we’ve always been very competitive (I dunno why; it’s just a sister thing.) It’s commonly accepted in my family that I’m the brain, she’s the beauty. And while I would NEVER admit this in real life, she’s usually WAAAAAY better at the snappy comeback than I am. So one day we’re having one of those sisterly snark-fests, snapping at one another for no real reason, when the following exchange takes place:

Sis: You’re just jealous because I’ve got bigger boobs than you do.
Me: I don’t NEED boobs; I have a personality.
Sis: I…er… um…oh yeah!!!

Not my story, but fun nonetheless: my friend’s daughter Sam is tall, punky and wears her hair very very short. She was a freshman in high school, just minding her own business, when a stereotypically bouncy/ditzy/popular cheerleader-type senior girl approached her.

Cheerleader: So your name is Sam?
Sam: Yep.
Cheerleader: (giggle) So my friend over there (indicates large, blocky, supermacho football player), he, like, wants to know if you’re a boy or a girl (giggle)
Sam: How weird. I was just gonna ask you the same thing about him.

(I love that kid.)

Two of my prouder moments:

I had a coworker that I’ll call Beth who was notable for two things: her pleasure in detailing her sexual exploits, and her confidence that she was the best at whatever she did (in or out of bed). She would regale us with story after story of strange things she did in strange places, etc. but one of her favorite topics, (and, presumably, activities) was oral sex.

So one day Beth, Lisa (the office manager) and I were discussing high school, when I mentioned that I had played flute in band.
Beth: Oh, I played flute, too.
[And no, it does not involve the phrase “Skin flute”]
Me: Really? I miss playing, I really enjoyed it.
Beth: Yeah well I was really good at it.
Me: I wasn’t too shabby either, I don’t think.
Beth: Yeah but I mean, I was really, really good.
Me: ::nods:: OK [I figure I’ll just drop it because she’s starting to irritate me]
Beth: I mean, I was considered the best in my -
Me: Yeah, Beth, you know I have no doubt that you could outblow me any day.

The stunned look on her face was absolutely priceless - shocked silence followed by hysterical laughter. Lisa was at her desk, laughing so hard she was in tears.

My ex-husband, his best friend and I are sitting around chatting - I think it was the first time I had ever met the friend. We land on the subject of ex’s famous temper. His friend is needling him about it goodnaturedly. The ex feigns indignation and protests loudly, “I don’t have a temper!”

I smirked and said “Yeah, because you keep losing it.”

Part of my job involves filling out a page of health information on patients who come through the clinic. Smoking habits, allergies, medications taken, things like that. On this particular day, it was all older men in the place and they were flirting with all the young female staff. One guy was being very annoying and talking about his big bottle of Viagra and how we should all come party at his place. :dubious:

When he gets to my desk, I ask him: “Do you smoke, sir?”
Old guy gives me a lecherous look: “Only after I make love.”
Me (with a straight face!): “So how long ago did you stop smoking, sir?”

And the funniest part is, that really is the next question on my list, but it came out so perfectly!

A woman with whom I worked is married to a funeral director.

Woman: Guess what, everybody! Chuck got a promotion!
Me: How many people does he have under him?

Well, my school went on a retreat (I go to a Christian school) and my friends and I were standing in the lunch line. There were three guys in our grade behind us and they’re the popular jock dudes. My friends and I normally don’t talk to them. Anyways, we had a tiny conversation:

Guy 1: Hey, Dare_Devil, would you ever go out with him? (Points to Guy 2. I stare because I used to have a tiny crush on Guy 2, but I had realized what a jerk the guy was.)
Me: No.
Guy 1: Aww…What about him? (Points to Guy 3. I don’t say anything for a couple of seconds because I’m trying to figure out why the hell he’s asking me this.)
Me: No.
Guy 1: Hey, she took longer to say something. That means she’d consider it.
Guy 3: Yeah, I’m pretty cute, aren’t I?
Me: Cuter than a squirrel that’s been hit by a car? I don’t think so.

I don’t know why, but my girl friends who were standing there with me found that really funny.

I walk my dog everyday during the summer to this park near my house. One day, my dog and I were minding our own businesses and this guy who was about my age and his little group of friends came up to me. At first, I thought they were going to beat me up or rape me or something, even though it was broad daylight. The guy started hitting on me and I got really offended, so I tried to walk around him and leave.

Guy: Hey, come back! Just tell me what your name is, hottie. (I ignore him and walk away.)
Guy: Hey! Come back here, you little bitch!
Me: (I turn around and face him squarely.) Excuse me, but the only bitch around here is my dog.

I am a junior this year, and was the manager for the football team. after two-a days (2 weeks of practice before school starts) one day, i was at the school swimming pool with some friends drinkin mountain dew and whatnot… but i digress. a sophomore on the team (a really uncoordinated guy… doesn’t get to play unless we are up by 30 points) comes up and says:

"hows bein the MANAGER goin?
without missing a beat, i say:
Shut up, Chase, i am on the field more than you are.

that shut him up.
about a week later, he tried again.
Chase: “I bet carrying those coolers around is great, huh?”
Me: “Oh yeah. what position do you play? Left Out?”

Thank you, thank you.
I am here all week!

We were having lunch at a BBQ place. Mr. Cotta ordered the pulled pork sandwich. After it came, he was rearranging the meat more evenly when he pulled out a large, deep brown piece and said, “I guess that’s skin.”

I replied, “Well, yeah…if you’re lucky.”

Someone with whom I was very good friends in college has become extremely pretentious since moving to New York City. The two of us and a couple other friends were hanging out in Michigan over the holidays when the subject turned to movies, specifically “After Sunset,” the critically acclaimed follow-up to “Before Sunrise.” The pretentious friend (who I will call “Stephanie” in this post because that is her name) hated both films, so was appalled when she found out that After Sunset was the No. 1 film in the Village Voice’s 2004 film critics’ poll.

Me: Why do you hate After Sunset so much?
Stephanie: I just think the kind of people who like those movies are not well-travelled.
perfect pause
Me: Steph, my guess is that the Village Voice’s film critics are fairly well-travelled people.

Certainly not an insult, but it was the kind of perfectly logical arguement that stopped her dead in her tracks and, for once, brought her down a peg. I was proud.

I was 13 yrs old on a family vacatin to Colorodo. We were on a guided bus tour to the top of Pike’s Peak. The driver/guide was giving us all sorts of interesting and humorous info about the ecology and history of the area. The road going up was a one lane dirt road so we had to stop and pull over to the side to give room for the vehicles coming down from the peak. We were about 2/3 of the way up when a car came down. The driver/guide pulled over, but instead of pulling over on the side of the mountian, he pulled over right next to the ledge where there was no guard rail. Of course everyone freaked out, but the driver/guide just smiled and said, “Hey, I was just being polite by pulling over to the side of the road.” My immediate response: “Yeah, the WRONG side!”. Everyone on the bus roared.

This other one wasn’t mine, and I’m sure I wasn’t the first to use it, but it was the perfect opportunity…

We were in Middle School and out at the track during gym class. A friend and I were watching the girls practicing the high jump. One girl that did a very good jump (and she was particulary attractive too). My friend said, “Wow. That was nice.” My reply: “Yeah, and the jump wasn’t half bad either.”

Terrorcotta did cite her most recent comeback, but her perfect one was different. I had noticed that my knuckles had large calluses on them, though I couldn’t think of anything I’d done to put them there.

Me (musing): Wonder how I got these calluses on my knuckles?
Terrorcotta: Maybe you should stop dragging them.