What is are some of your favorite snappy zinger comebacks you’ve ever heard?
I will start it off with one that has kinda stuck with me, from Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead.
I am paraphrasing.
Q: “Tell me the truth, what do you really think of me?”
A: “I don’t think of you.”
Ok I am sure you can do better.
Someone once asked a fairly slutty voice major what instrument she played.
Voice major: “I play skin flute.”
Other person: “You should learn flesh horn; then you could double.”
At a bar this weekend a female bartender was flirting with one of the customers.
Bartender: “How big is your dick ?”
Customer: “I can hold my own.”
Bartender: “I bet you hold it a lot”
“How big is your dick?” is considered flirting?
Man, good thing I’m an old married lady. I’m not ready for the dating scene.
Peggy - I saved your life the other day.
Clifford - How?
Peggy - I killed a shit eating dog.
Clifford - Must of had you up a tree.
You must be one of the Lee sisters.
Ugly
Homely
Sickly
Lonely
One day the Lord announced He was going to had out looks. You thought he said “books”. You said “give me a funny one”.
One day the Lord said He said He was going to hand out brains. You thought he said rain and you ran for cover.
I know. Corny. Oh well.
A line I’ve always wanted to use:
Person (points to expensive car): “I drive a Mercedes Benz, do you know what that means?”
Me: “Barnum was right?”
Whenever someone says to me “You have a nice one!” I always reply “Who told you?”
My fairly standard comeback is, “oh yeah, well you may be smarter, funnier, and better looking than me but… DAMNIT!”
quite often humor will difuse a situation before anything really nasty gets said…
then if the person gives you a “witty” reply, you can just say… “You didn’t let me finish… DAMNIT, I got those all backwards.”
I shouldn’t try to be witty, I always fail.
“Winston, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your tea!”
“Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.”
-Winston Churchill
That’s it. Winston gets my vote for Greatest Briton from that quote alone.
I’d love to have been there to see the face on whoever ‘madam’ was when he said that.
My favorite snappy comeback (unfortunatly pressed into service more often than I care to think about):
Oh yeah? Well If I was the last man on Earth, I wouldn’t have time to ask you out! I’d be too busy bangin’ better lookin’ broads! Bi-atch!
I’m not as stupid as you look.
Hey Lobsang! Where does Joey Dunlop fall on your list? And can I stay at your place next race week?
You’ve got a point… on top of your head.
“So, in other words, you’ve been such a total disgrace in life that the only way for you to assert a semblance of respectability is to play a friggin’ game without cheat codes?”
Okay, I haven’t really had the chance to use that one, but I’d love the chance. 
Is this the best you people can do?
::bored::
Well… The JERK Store called and they’re all out of YOU!
Yay. I love telling this story.
So, I’m at college orientation, chatting with my friends and a random orientation girl, who lit up and started smoking. I commented that smoking is bad for your health, and she started telling me to take a drag, that everone cool does it, etc. So I asked her how she felt about fellating me. When my friends had stopped gaping and she had died down, I said, “So you know how I feel about putting one of those in my mouth.”
Yay for wit. Wit is fun.
Cool… as in not hot? 
Person 1 - “Kiss my ass!”
Person 2’s comeback - “Shave it first!”
I’ve yet to run into someone who can top it off with another comeback for that.
Bet you haven’t heard this one before 
“see you later!”
“Not if I see you first.”