Okay, I just had an ‘altercation’ in the supermarket parking lot with some lady - who yelled at me that “YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO STOP FOR PEDESTRIANS!” as I was walking in.
So I must not have seen her - yeah, probably my fault ,and stupid if it was - I honestly did not see anyone at the crossings. So I said “I apologize, I didn’t see you.”.
And she continued to go ON about it, even though I had apologized. So (and yes, I think it’s funny now, although I was upset at the time.), I had the best comeback EVER. EVER. You guys know you want to use it because it is AWESOME.
This is what I said.
“You are a lovely person! I APOLOGIZE, I SAID I DID NOT SEE YOU!”
Come on. You know you want the comeback for future arguments in the supermarket parking lot.
So let’s hear all of those great spur-of-the-moment comebacks you’ve had :D.
Hanging out at a friend’s dorm-room, when a female friend of one of my friend’s room-mates joins us. (Got it?) We were hanging out and having a few beers, and every time I made a joke, witty or not, she would say something rude, offensive, and caustic.
Finally I quipped: “Hey, is your vagina as acidic as your tongue?” Not in good taste, but it sure shut her down, fucking down to Chinatown.
Three of us, all married women ranging in age from 45-33, we’re talking about old relationships.
Girlfriend One was talking about how she flew all the way from Michigan to her fiance’s college out of state to suprise him. Yeah, you know how this is going to end already. and walked in on him having sex with another woman. She turned around and went straight back to the airport.
Girlfriend Two, the youngest of us three, asks rather naively, " Why would he do that?"
Me, " Because his penis couldn’t stretch all the way to Michigan."
My hometown has a reputation of being rough. A few of us went out one night, and one of the guys said on the way down town: “Oh, man, I’m in [this town]… What do I do if someone throws a punch?”
I said: “Duck.”
Another response that confuses someone who’s bitching you out is to say “Oh, that’s okay.” You say it as if they’re the one who’s apologizing. Try it. They’ll shut right up.
“It sucks to be you” doesn’t fit as often as I’d like, but sometimes it’s perfect.
My car broke down (1966 MGB GT, broken accelerator cable. This means, Car Won’t Go). Some woman drove right up behind me and started to beep her horn, long and loud and continuously. I got out of the car and said,
HERE, WHY DON’T I HOLD THAT FOR YOU WHILE YOU FIX MY CAR!!
My uh, “special friend” Dave and I were at work and I’d just told Ronnie, our co-worker that we’d been at our favorite cafe quite late the night before. Dave turned around and said “We? Who is this we you speak of? Ya got worms?!”
Two come to mind
Working in retail there was a customer who came in on a regular basis. He often asked questions and never bought anything. I think he asked questions as part of product research and then bought from whomever had it for $10 less even though he obviously had a few bucks. Kind of a pain in the ass for commission salespeople.
It got to where few salespeople would even wait on him. He’d come in and we’d go wait on anybody else first. One day he comes in looking at digital cameras. I’m in a good mood and I greet him and he starts asking me questions. I spend a considerable amount of time explaining the different cameras and off he goes without a purchase. OKay. Later he comes back and has decided he likes a certain camera and would like to get it but wants me to discount it for him. I explain our low price guarantee to him and how I know our price is as good as anyone’s on this popular camera.
Him, " Comon can’t you give me some sort of discount?"
Me; “No sir I’m afraid I can’t”
Him “After all the time I’ve wasted in here?”
Me; “Yeah” {pause] I’ve been thinking about that"
I know it doesn’t sound like much but the tone of my delivery let him know with out saying it directly that he had been wasting a lot of people’s time in our store.
He let out a “Heeyyy!!?” and gave me a funny look but he got the point. He bought the camera without another word and later came back to show me some of the brochures he was making with it.
2nd one, maybe technically not a comeback but more of a burn.
In the restroom at work we had liquid soap.
One of the employees who fancied himself a funny guy comes out chuckling. "
I just grossed out the kid doing tech support in the back. I told him the liquid soap looks just like sperm"
I immediately added " That wasn’t what grossed him out. What grossed him out is when you said, BUT IT TASTES TOTALLY DIFFERENT"
A fellow employee was on the floor.
I was a receptionist at a real estate firm before segueing into secretarial in the property management department in the same company. You can only answer the phone so long before the thing that holds your tongue back wears out.
A realtor wanted to know what the price of Serenity (Street or Avenue or whatever) was. I solemnly assured him that serenity was priceless. Another realtor asked me to ask another to fax him a condo.
I’ve mentioned this before in another thread but it suits this one better. A kid from a local church came to our door one afternoon to promote his religion, I told him I wasn’t interested and started to close the door. He sticks his foot in the screen door to stop it from closing. I was pissed and yanked the door back open yelling at him to hit the road. My ‘comeback’ occurred as he was leaving. He yelled to me, “I just want to help you find God!” to which I responded “You’re gonna meet God if you don’t get off my fuckin’ lawn!!!”. Little punk, :grumble: :grumble: