Woah !! good one.
We had some people get pissy in the store because they cleaned the floors once and we didn’t want them to come back. As they were leaving the store the wife said
“You shouldn’t be messing with God’s people”
One employee replied: “Stop doing crappy work in the name of God”
Couple more from work…I deal cards in a casino…
Customer: “I lost all my money!.”
Me: “In a CASINO no less!”
The standard employee response for…“JESUS CHRIST!” is, “Oh no worries, you call me <Cyberhwk>,” or “Yeah, what’d ya need?”
They’re a present, so you don’t have to steal them.
The way he typed it, sounds like a soundboard or other stitched together audio. Prank call.
My MIL to my FIL while on an family vacation –
“Bob how dare you have a beer! It’s 10am!”
“But Marge, It’s only my second one”
Another one….
Meeting my in-laws for the first time I asked my to be FIL if he had any problems getting to the airport.
He said to me and my (future) wife, in complete innocence. “No problems (all proud of himself), and I haven’t been to this airport since you brought that last guy to meet us”.
I love the guy. He’s honest, that’s for sure.
I know I’ve shared this one, and while it didn’t exactly work for my sister, the rest of us enjoyed her comeback.
Youngest sis was arguing with brother (he’s about 9 years older than she) and she was in brat mode.
Bro: Stop acting like an idiot!
Sis: Who’s acting?!?
Rest of us: ROFLOL
OhdearsweetOg how I wish I’d thought of this back in college, when I knew Claire. She was the kind of sarcastic brainy cutie who teetered on the fence between Frigid Bitch and Hot Bad Girl and was just waiting for a push way or the other. :smack:
Anyway, good work brah.
“The jerk store called, and they’re all outta YOU!”
I once had a neighbor family that was difficult to tolerate. The wife and kids were OK, but the husband had so many bad qualities, it would be hard to list them all here.
Anyway, the husband came by and I noticed he had a cast on his wrist and asked what had happened.
He told me a long, convoluted story about how he went drinking with his buddies, but his wife was mad because he had missed the Thanksgiving dinner she was hosting with the extended family and locked him out of the house, so when he finally got home, he pounded on the door until he broke a bone.
I asked “So, I guess that makes you the Thanksgiving turkey, huh?”
I haven’t searched for it, but in that episode, didn’t the other guy at the meeting deliver a snappy comeback to George Costanza after that? It was something along the lines of, “What does it matter? You’re their best-selling product anyway!”
I just realized the OP put ‘best’ in quotes.
Huh. I didn’t know you were married to Lisa Simpson.
ETA=Oh, I didn’t see the name Bob till after I posted this. Oh well.
Yeah, “What does it matter? You’re their all-time best seller!”
One of mine: Once, when I was a bank teller, we were in the process of switching to a different computer system. That included a new ATM interface, new receipts, etc. I was walking out to my car one evening and some woman pulled up beside me and yelled “Your new system sucks!”
I yelled back, “NO, YOU SUCK!”
And I promise, no one has to Pit me for it ;). I was being sarcastic :D.
I had a shitty comeback, and I came home and laughed about it because I was so stunned at my own idiocy with that comeback.
Well I could sense the sarcasm in the body of the OP (it oozed it).
I’ve often left a situation grumbling to myself, thinking “What I should have said/done is…”
My one and only ‘good’ comeback probably happened completely by accident some time in my teenage years. I do remember getting a laugh about something I said to someone.
Every once and a great while I’ll actually say something charming and witty.
I just graduated from bar tending school and my friend was having a party this weekend and asked if I could play bar tender. I enjoy mixing drinks so I said I would, but I wouldn’t be doing it all night nor will I drop everything to make someone a drink. I’m not being paid and I’m using my own liquor, so I didn’t feel guilty about those provisions.
Now, this was personal stock so I didn’t have everything so when a girl asked for a shot I was, “I’m sorry, we don’t have the Kahlua” or “We don’t have any milk.”
So she asks, “Well, what can you make then?”
So I start listing off shooters: Starry night, surfer on acid, red headed slut…
“Wait, Red headed slut? What’s in a red headed slut?”
“Well, everyone.”
That got a laugh and a smile.
I don’t think this is a very good put down at all - it leaves you hideously open to her coming back with something like “Like I’d ever let a loser/moron/ugly fuck like you find out.” You’re just lucky she wasn’t very quick witted! Even if you’d previously slept together, she still could have busted out with “After one night with you, it developed a special Autolycus-acid to protect itself!”
note: all insults used for demonstration purposes only!
Back in high school my friends and I figured that during an argument, no matter what was being said, you could always shout, “No, YOU’RE being unreasonable!” Never tried it, but it’d probably shut the argument down.
“You almost ran me over in the parking lot!”
“Sorry, I didn’t see you crossing.”
“I could have been killed! Why don’t you watch where you’re going?”
“No, you’re being unreasonable!”
Not quite a comeback, exactly, but:
Overweight male coworker: Man, if I had tits…
Me: What do you mean, “if?”
The French, of course, have a special name for this. They call it “l’esprit d’escalier” or “stairway wit”. Because, of course, when you are stalking out disgruntled and hit the stairs, *then *you think of the perfect comeback, 60 seconds too late for it to work.
Learned that on the Dope, I did.
Someone tried that with me years ago and I just thought they were socially retarded.