[QUOTE=HongKongFooey]
I’ve mentioned this before in another thread but it suits this one better. A kid from a local church came to our door one afternoon to promote his religion, I told him I wasn’t interested and started to close the door. He sticks his foot in the screen door to stop it from closing. I was pissed and yanked the door back open yelling at him to hit the road. My ‘comeback’ occurred as he was leaving. He yelled to me, “I just want to help you find God!” to which I responded “You’re gonna meet God if you don’t get off my fuckin’ lawn!!!”. Little punk, :grumble: :grumble:
[/QUOTE]
Woah !! good one.
We had some people get pissy in the store because they cleaned the floors once and we didn’t want them to come back. As they were leaving the store the wife said
“You shouldn’t be messing with God’s people”
One employee replied: “Stop doing crappy work in the name of God”
Meeting my in-laws for the first time I asked my to be FIL if he had any problems getting to the airport.
He said to me and my (future) wife, in complete innocence. “No problems (all proud of himself), and I haven’t been to this airport since you brought that last guy to meet us”.
[QUOTE=Autolycus]
Hanging out at a friend’s dorm-room, when a female friend of one of my friend’s room-mates joins us. (Got it?) We were hanging out and having a few beers, and every time I made a joke, witty or not, she would say something rude, offensive, and caustic.
Finally I quipped: “Hey, is your vagina as acidic as your tongue?” Not in good taste, but it sure shut her down, fucking down to Chinatown.
[/QUOTE]
OhdearsweetOg how I wish I’d thought of this back in college, when I knew Claire. She was the kind of sarcastic brainy cutie who teetered on the fence between Frigid Bitch and Hot Bad Girl and was just waiting for a push way or the other. :smack:
I once had a neighbor family that was difficult to tolerate. The wife and kids were OK, but the husband had so many bad qualities, it would be hard to list them all here.
Anyway, the husband came by and I noticed he had a cast on his wrist and asked what had happened.
He told me a long, convoluted story about how he went drinking with his buddies, but his wife was mad because he had missed the Thanksgiving dinner she was hosting with the extended family and locked him out of the house, so when he finally got home, he pounded on the door until he broke a bone.
I asked “So, I guess that makes you the Thanksgiving turkey, huh?”
[QUOTE=Skylark]
“The jerk store called, and they’re all outta YOU!”
[/QUOTE]
I haven’t searched for it, but in that episode, didn’t the other guy at the meeting deliver a snappy comeback to George Costanza after that? It was something along the lines of, “What does it matter? You’re their best-selling product anyway!”
[QUOTE=enipla]
My MIL to my FIL while on an family vacation –
“Bob how dare you have a beer! It’s 10am!”
“But Marge, It’s only my second one”
[/QUOTE]
Huh. I didn’t know you were married to Lisa Simpson.
ETA=Oh, I didn’t see the name Bob till after I posted this. Oh well.
[QUOTE=Electrical Storm]
I haven’t searched for it, but in that episode, didn’t the other guy at the meeting deliver a snappy comeback to George Costanza after that? It was something along the lines of, “What does it matter? You’re their best-selling product anyway!”
[/QUOTE]
Yeah, “What does it matter? You’re their all-time best seller!”
One of mine: Once, when I was a bank teller, we were in the process of switching to a different computer system. That included a new ATM interface, new receipts, etc. I was walking out to my car one evening and some woman pulled up beside me and yelled “Your new system sucks!”
[QUOTE=Elza B]
And I promise, no one has to Pit me for it ;). I was being sarcastic :D.
I had a shitty comeback, and I came home and laughed about it because I was so stunned at my own idiocy with that comeback.
[/QUOTE]
Well I could sense the sarcasm in the body of the OP (it oozed it).
I’ve often left a situation grumbling to myself, thinking “What I should have said/done is…”
My one and only ‘good’ comeback probably happened completely by accident some time in my teenage years. I do remember getting a laugh about something I said to someone.
Every once and a great while I’ll actually say something charming and witty.
I just graduated from bar tending school and my friend was having a party this weekend and asked if I could play bar tender. I enjoy mixing drinks so I said I would, but I wouldn’t be doing it all night nor will I drop everything to make someone a drink. I’m not being paid and I’m using my own liquor, so I didn’t feel guilty about those provisions.
Now, this was personal stock so I didn’t have everything so when a girl asked for a shot I was, “I’m sorry, we don’t have the Kahlua” or “We don’t have any milk.”
So she asks, “Well, what can you make then?”
So I start listing off shooters: Starry night, surfer on acid, red headed slut…
“Wait, Red headed slut? What’s in a red headed slut?”
[QUOTE=Autolycus]
Hanging out at a friend’s dorm-room, when a female friend of one of my friend’s room-mates joins us. (Got it?) We were hanging out and having a few beers, and every time I made a joke, witty or not, she would say something rude, offensive, and caustic.
Finally I quipped: “Hey, is your vagina as acidic as your tongue?” Not in good taste, but it sure shut her down, fucking down to Chinatown.
[/QUOTE]
I don’t think this is a very good put down at all - it leaves you hideously open to her coming back with something like “Like I’d ever let a loser/moron/ugly fuck like you find out.” You’re just lucky she wasn’t very quick witted! Even if you’d previously slept together, she still could have busted out with “After one night with you, it developed a special Autolycus-acid to protect itself!”
note: all insults used for demonstration purposes only!
[QUOTE=AuntiePam]
Another response that confuses someone who’s bitching you out is to say “Oh, that’s okay.” You say it as if they’re the one who’s apologizing. Try it. They’ll shut right up.
“It sucks to be you” doesn’t fit as often as I’d like, but sometimes it’s perfect.
[/QUOTE]
Back in high school my friends and I figured that during an argument, no matter what was being said, you could always shout, “No, YOU’RE being unreasonable!” Never tried it, but it’d probably shut the argument down.
“You almost ran me over in the parking lot!”
“Sorry, I didn’t see you crossing.”
“I could have been killed! Why don’t you watch where you’re going?”
“No, you’re being unreasonable!”
[QUOTE=Lobsang]
I’ve often left a situation grumbling to myself, thinking “What I should have said/done is…”
[/QUOTE]
The French, of course, have a special name for this. They call it “l’esprit d’escalier” or “stairway wit”. Because, of course, when you are stalking out disgruntled and hit the stairs, *then *you think of the perfect comeback, 60 seconds too late for it to work.
[QUOTE=AuntiePam]
Another response that confuses someone who’s bitching you out is to say “Oh, that’s okay.” You say it as if they’re the one who’s apologizing. Try it. They’ll shut right up.
“It sucks to be you” doesn’t fit as often as I’d like, but sometimes it’s perfect.
[/QUOTE]
Someone tried that with me years ago and I just thought they were socially retarded.