And now I’ve learned it on the Dope too… 
Back in high school, I was up at the teacher’s podium asking her about my essay’s introduction. On my way back to my desk, a friend of mine mentioned that my zipper was down. A girl in the class overheard this and saw it as an opportunity to zing me in front of the whole class. She loudly proclaimed, “Hey Jason, you’re fly is open!” to which I quickly replied, “Damn it Courtney! I told you to zip it up when you were done!” Everyone, teacher included, laughed.
While I was dispatching we got a call of a woman driving all over the road…
The LT takes the call, stops the car and then clears. He then comes in to the dispatch room and I said, “So what was the issue with the driver?”
LT: “Oh. She was licking an ice cream cone.”
Me: “Oh. Is that what they are calling it these days.”
I was at Safeway yesterday afternoon, around 4 PM. As I’m going down the aisle I notice this young woman with tits. Now, I’m gay and I could care less about tits so take my word for it, if I notice your tits they’re popping out and saying “hi.”
I get in the checkout lane and “tits” is in line in front of me with her boyfriend (as far as I knew). She’s slithering all over him and playfully slapping him in the head. They both notice me looking at them with my “uh, what are you doing?” look and give me a look that says “we can’t help it.” So I said out loud, “uh, you could, I dunno… get a room?” The guy says “Oh, we’re married and so past that.” I said “well then I guess there’s always the kiddie playground at McDonalds.”
Took them a moment, then they straightened up a bit, paid for their purchase and left.
Atta girl! 
Not mine, but this has to be the best snappy comeback I’ve heard in forever.
The owner of the house I am currently renting is letting the place go into foreclosure. He has filed for bankruptcy and I was served as one of his potential debtors. He is basing this on the potential rent I would pay for the balance of the lease. The company holding the mortgage has offered to help me with this situation, the house will sell for more at auction if it is vacant instead of having a pissed off renter. Last Friday I went to Seattle to meet with the attorney for the mortgage company. The attorney for my landlord was there too. I was introduced to him and he said “Glad to meet you.”
I wiped the smile right off his face. My reply to him? “The pleasure is all yours.”
I remember this one kid who was a real cutup in high school. Our study hall teacher was a real old-school bitch. She’d come up, grab your collar, shake you, scream at you, etc. Of course, the rest of the class would laugh hysterically when she did this, because she really didn’t scare anyone. Then she’d look around and scream at the rest of us to quiet down.
One day she tells this cutup, “I’m about at the end of my rope with you.”
He said, “Good. Why don’t you tie a knot and hang yourself?” She was speechless, and for once, she just walked to her desk and sat down.
A random prank phone call. The punctuation was meant to indicate a breathless, Shatnerian delivery.
I was at a bar at around 3AM one night and my friend said “I have an exam first thing tomorrow (today) morning. Guess which class.”
Without skipping a beat I said “Time Management 101?”
I thought it was pretty funny.
My first good one was way back in 1976, when I was eleven and the class bitch decided I was the target for the day. She and her friends circled around while she said “None of us would ever be *your *friend.”
I looked her up and down and replied. “Good.”
Inspired by this success, I scored one off my brother during his next “girls are stupid” rant. I told him to stop being a male chauvinist piglet. He had to laugh along with Mum and Dad but he beat the crap out of me later.
The other week, I was shopping with my mum. She’d rejected every item in every shop, they were all too long, too dark, too fancy, too plain etc.
When she got to; “It’s so short” I replied, “Well, so are you.”
We decided it was time for a coffee break.
As a commited Christian, I have a problem with some exclamations. An HR person I used to work with had a great comback, so…
Whenever I hear, “Jesus,” “Jesus H. Christ”, or something of the sort, I can answer this…
“Oh, you know him, too?”
Stops them every time.
Love, Phil
Once as I was walking down the street, there were two 50sh women there pushing the Lighthouse. One approaches me with a sunny smile, asking “hello, my dear! Are you a Christian?”
“Yes, ma’am! Christian, Catholic, Apostolic and Roman!”
Her partner had to tackle her bodily to keep her from attempting to throttle me.
One day during a business lunch involving Spaniards and Americans, I passed on a dish. The guy sitting beside me said “oh c’mon, you should try everything at least once!”
“Really? Looking him up and down Well, in that case, my friend Paul likes 'em burly…”
The finance guy almost fell off his chair, the factory manager was having serious problems keeping a straight face, the sales manager was beetle red and the Americans were told it was “impossible to translate.”
I don’t get it.
I work in a hotel and use that one often…they never ever laugh.
Jim?
I’ve heard people qualify their faith as ‘Catholic, apostolic and Roman’ before, but I’m not entirely sure what the adjectives are supposed to add to the meaning ‘Catholic’. Why clarify like this?
It’s half-remembered, as it was in 5th grade and that was 30 years ago, but IIRC:
Roman: from when the Roman Empire split in two, and there was a big argument about where the Pope should reside. Again from the Antipopes period, when there were as many as three “Popes” at the same time.
Apostolic: because we have Bishops which are considered spiritual descendants of the Apostles. Episcopalians are Apostolic too, although not Roman.
Catholic: universal. Cos we say so, more or less. We never got a more specific explanation on this one.
In any case, it was a line in previous Catechisms.
Also, AIUI, there are many other faiths that consider themselves to be small ‘c’ catholic, without being Roman Catholic. Both the Orthodox churches, and, I believe, some part of the Anglican/Episcopalian spectrum view themselves that way. I do know that the Nicene Creed, which has an emphasis on “one holy catholic, and apostolic church” is used by many of the various Christian faiths.
If spelled with a small c, catholic can also mean universal or worldwide or if could mean diverse, thus Episcopalians also consider ourselves catholic in the first sense.
A few years ago, I got my boss twice. The boss, you see, put up a rather blustery front and swore like a sailor. I, on the other hand, put up a bit more modest front and didn’t swear much. I hadn’t been there long, but I’d been there long enough to get his measure when we were trying to figure out why something hadn’t worked. When I realized it hadn’t because I’d made a mistake, I said “Oh, shit.” He looked at me and told you, “I told you not to use language like that in this office.” I looked him dead in the eye and said, calmly, “You’re right. Oh fuck.” We established a sort of detente after that.
Several months later, he was going off to lunch while I was working on a fairly routine project. As he was leaving, he said to me in a mock-threatening tone, “and don’t fuck up.” I smiled and said, “[Boss]. I thought you knew me better than that. I only fuck down.” He was silent for a moment, and then he started laughing. You know, I really liked working for that guy.
By the way, Nava, I love your “Paul likes them burly” reply!
What at my sister’s place a half a dozen Christmases ago, when my niece was still quite small, she said something quite precocious. As her father put her to bed, her doting grandmother, proud mother and I were commenting on how intelligent she was, and probably joking about how it runs in the family.
As my annoying brother-in-law comes back, I think it was my mom who made a comment on how far she’ll go. BIL doesn’t miss a beat, and as he is wont, gave one of his typical sarcastic digs at my sister, “And if she were to ever learn how to do instead of just knowing, she’ll really go places.”
Without thinking, I responded, “And if she were to learn to be nice to people she’ll really go places. The silence, while he contemplated why the feelings between us are mutual, was worth it.