Come backs that work

In My Humble Opinion
1

This thread is a genuine mission on my part to learn "Come Backs "that actually work.

Have you ever had someone come out with a snide remark and not been able to verbally slap them down with an off the cuff saying?

I am particulary poor on this front hence my question.

My own rather weak examples are,when I was a lot younger I asked a girl for dance and she said"I don’t dance with babies".
I immediatley said “Oh I am sorry,I didn’t realise that you were pregnant”

The only other one that I’ve got is when someone asks an intrusive personal question I say “Why are you asking?”

A mate who on asking a question was told "You’re nosey aren’t you"replied “Yes I am thats how I learn things”.

Another mate who was really an incredible stud,told me that one time when he was geting his kit off with a girl,she said "Who do you think that you’re going to please with that?"looking at the obvious,he replied “Myself,I’m going to please myself”

So if you’ve got some comebacks that actually work tell us
.
"You’re a stupid,impotent,motherloving social security claiment "wont actually fall into the criteria
.

2

Jerk Store. You should go with Jerk Store.

3

Nah, just jump right into “yeah, well I banged your wife!”

4

I discovered one in junior high. An obnoxious kid who was passing my desk in geography class said something like, “Hey, that’s a really ugly map you’re drawing there.” I responded with my brightest smile, “Thank you!” It just really threw him for a loop and shut him up.

I’ve used it on similar remarks with similar results. It just points up what an asinine thing they said, and makes you look great because you didn’t tit-for-tat. Plus they just don’t know what to say.

5

Yo mama !!

6

Yep, that works.

But be careful…It is very easy to go from, “Oh, he is far more polite than I! What an asinine thing I just said.” to… “Wow, he’s an idiot. He didn’t understand I was being sarcastic.”

S.P.I. knows.

~S.P.I.~

7

Moved from The BBQ Pit to In My Humble Opinion.

Gfactor
Pit Moderator

8

Flat out most evil comeback I have ever heard, and when used it is usually with devvastating results. DO NOT use on anyone you might actually want to talk to ever again if they do reject you.

Guy: Wanna (insert activity of preference)?
Girl: In your dreams, loser.
Guy: If I was dreaming you would be thinner.

Shamelessly stolen from teenage mutant ninja turtles 2. Less secure women may even cry, YMMV.

9

Annoying person: You’re in denial.

Perfect response: I am not in denial, you are projecting.

10

I used to search for comebacks all the time, but I realized that I wouldn’t be able to remember them when the perfect situation arrived.

However, I do like this book on the subject. Tongue Fu!: How to Deflect, Disarm, and Defuse Any Verbal Conflict

11

“The Jerk store just called. They said they’re all out of you.”

“Well, if they’re calling you, it’s only because you’re their best customer.”

If necessary, follow up on their confusion with;

“Naturally they’d be out of me, because they don’t keep me in stock. But thanks for asking about getting more of me.”

12

I’ve also always been fond of this one:

Lady Astor: “Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison”
Sir Winston Churchill: “Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it”

13

Shamelessly stolen from the movie Clue.
Person “…to make a long story short…”
Me “Too late”.

14

I think the classic response to a flasher is funny, and could fit other situations:

“It looks like a penis, only smaller!”

15

Listening to an oldoldold Steve Martin stand-up album where he responds to a rowdy heckler, I finally realized where I’d first heard “Yeah, I remember my first beer, too…” Great for when a drunk bothers you, or is just being loud. I smile, shake my head and say it wistfully, with much affection. Oh, and then I get out of reach by the time he processes it all.

16

This was very specific to my high school, but on of the best comebacks was to tell someone to “clam” while at the same time making a clam closing it’s shell motion with you hand. The obvious meaning literally “shush”, “shut your mouth” or “clam the fuck up”. I had one instance where it worked perfectly. I went into an underclass room looking for some teacher. Some smartass kid was like “Dude, she’s obviously not here” to which I simple replied “You…clam” and made the clam motion. In a sense saying “Yes, moron, I can see she isn’t here. Me telling you I was looking for her was more of a courtesy to you and the rest of the class to let you know why I was here. Apparently you didn’t understand that and now your entire class thinks you are an idiot.” Anyhow, I heard from one of my buddies who was in the class that in the classes eyes I made the kid look like a jackass. So mission acomplished.
Another good comeback when some guy is acting like an arrogant ass and talking smack is “Nice one! Does your husband also golf/drink/suck dick/etc” about whatever the guy is talking smack about

17

“The village called, they want their idiot back.”
“I’m sorry, I’m a bit too busy to escort you, I hear the Grayhound goes in that direction though.”

18

Just tell them they smell. There’s really no comeback for that.

19

Australian cricketer Rod Marsh, in an attempt to throw English cricketer Ian Botham off his game, said (along with Botham’s reply):

Rod Marsh: “How’s your wife and my kids?”
Ian Botham: “The wife’s fine. The kids are retarded.”

20

I think the best comebacks require you to concede the mock (or even real) scenario the initiator is positing, but to turn it on its head, much like the one I showed above.