Your best insult/comeback/catch all phrase?

As I spent this past weekend in my semi-regular poker game with my buddies, I realize we sure do insult each other alot, and some of them are tried and true, but getting old nonethless. So…

Whats your best insult/comeback or just catch all line you use when ticked, or just being funny?

Two of my oldies but goodies:

“If I want your opinion I will give it to you.”

I cant remember where I got that one, but it’s like an old friend at this point.


“you are the treadmark on the underwear of life”

I dont use that one on strangers very often, but sadly I do use it alot when talking to my siblings…

A punch to the throat.

“I’m sorry, I’m not really into pokemon”

[from xkcd - the comic, not the poster]

Didn’t I tell you to shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!

I’m sorry were you talking?

One of my best friends has such poor vision that he actually had to get a waiver to drive. He and I throw insults back and forth constantly.

Now, I have a bit of a beer gut… nothing monstrous, so I don’t bother sucking it in. I arrive at the restaurant to have a couple of beers with him, and he pats my gut, saying, “So is it a boy or a girl?”

Without missing a beat, I retort, “Hey, at least I can still see my penis.”

He didn’t make another gut joke for about a week. :smiley:

Best shut-'em’up one-liners:

“I’d like to see things your way, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.”


“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”

I read this once in a book of insults and have used it every chance I’ve gotten since.

“Out of 50 million sperm, I can’t believe you were the fastest.”

For obnoxious people on the phone:

“I will now hang up and listen to your reply.”



“Dove into the shallow end of the gene pool, did you?”

One of my faves has always been “wow, I bet your mom is sorry she didn’t swallow when given the option.” Once, when my daughter was being a total shit (as teenagers are wont to do) I looked at her and mumbled “dayum, I shoulda swallowed.” it took her a few minutes, but when she figured out what I said and what it meant, it took her a full 20 minutes to stop yelling “gross, mom!”

One of my more obnoxious comebacks when someone asks a stupid question is “you don’t know, do you?” Even I want to hit me when I say it!

I’ve never used it, but when I hear someone bitching and whining for no good reason, I’d like the guts to say “It sucks to be you.”

Another one I like – it’s old, and I think I first heard it here – when somebody’s being ignorant or irrational – “What color is the sky in your world?”

You could always sing it

My fave: I’ve been called worse - by better

When people are being annoying and won’t shut up, I prefer: “You should probably bitch about it more. That usually helps.”

My comeback to “Fuck You” is :* You’ll never go back to women.*

My response to “Fuck you”:

“You’d fall in love and I’d fall asleep”.

I use a variant on this: What color are the trees in your world? I don’t know where I first encountered it, but I know it predates my membership on this board.

Your face.

Good one.

I used to work with a guy named Roger, who was always leaning back in his chair, so that only the back two legs were touching the floor. One day Roger leaned back too far, and he wound up on the floor and momentarily passed out. Without missing a beat I announced to the room, “Roger, over and out.”

“Your parents must be very proud.”


“You know, you really put the ‘B’ in ‘subtle’”

It kinda depends on the situation.

That’s my favorite, although my slight variation is: “You know, if you complain about it long enough, it’ll probably fix itself.”

Another favorite, when someone is bothering me with something I don’t care about: “With a little effort, I could care even less…but it’s not even worth the effort.”