I can waste my own time, I don’t need you to waste it for me.
From a daughter-in-law
kcxhkxxk. . . you’re breaking up. . .kcxhkxxk
When a person says something particularly stupid or dense:
Oh! Aren’t you pretty!
“Get AIDS” goes a long way.
With my students, when they’re bugging me or whining about something I’ve just told them to do, I raise an eyebrow, look over the top of my glasses and ask, “what part of cruel, evil, mean, and vicious did you not understand?”
After a couple of weeks of that, the other students would step in and say, “dude, vicious, remember?”
And then, two of them made me a theme song. “She’s cruel, she’s mean, she’s vi-vi-vi-vi-vicious.”
Why, yes, I do love being a teacher. Why do you ask?
“Good for you, Sunshine.”
“Oh Gee Darn”
Smile and say “Feel better now?”
Being happy in the face of assholes is it’s own reward. It’s absolutely killer in the Customer Service field. There’s a certain thrill in saying “Have a Nice Day” to someone you’d like to see catch fire and die, because you just know it’s going to piss them off…and you look good in the process.
Not one of mine, but I’ve used it before:
“I’m sure whatever is wrong with you has a long, Latin sounding name.”
That’s either a misquote or a knockoff of when you call the SO to break it off. It’s *chkchckhckc we’re breaking up chkkhckhckh
My favorite is: You should probably let that bother you for a while.
I like:
“It seems that you are under the impression that I give a fuck.”
and
“A lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on mine.”
My dad’s favorite: “If I wanted any shit out of you, I’d take your head off and dip it out.”
“Here’s 50 cents. Call someone who cares!” (Well, it worked well before cellphones!)
One of my more popular with others was to a homophobic (and uniquely unattractive) jerk who seemed to think that as a gay man I was interested in anything male and made some “don’t be tryin’ to feel me up” comment. “Sorry for the misunderstanding dear; you’re not the kind of asshole I like to fuck.”
When asked by an arrogant bastard of a professor to stand and tell the class the last line of Anne Frank’s diary “because I’m sure he knows it… he knows everything else” I stood and said “Gotta run, someone’s at the door”. Some of the class laughed, some didn’t get it, some were offended, and the professor tried to have me expelled. I thought it was good for no notice, though. (And the line he was thinking of, “In spite of everything I still think people are good at heart”, was not the last line, which I did point out; he wasn’t happy to be corrected either.)
No it doesn’t.
I’d engage in a battle of wits on the subject but I don’t fight with an unarmed man.
The journalist H. L. Mencken had a one-size-fits-all reply to critics who wrote him: “You may be right.”
My response to “Fuck you” is generally:
(looking COMPLETELY unimpressed) “You have neither the looks, nor the money.”
Two of mine:
“I’m going to treat that contempt with the remark it deserves.”
“I’m not worried about what you intend to do; I am worried about what you’re actually going to do.”
I think the best insult of all times comes from Southern women… “Well, Bless your heart!” said with gusto when they are insulted.
Here are a few I’ve picked up and quite like:
“You grew up around a lot of lead paint, didn’t you?”
“I’ve eaten things smarter than you”
“Couldn’t you buy a clue on eBay or something?”
When a friend suggests doing something you really don’t want to do, like hitting a dive bar or something “Shh…listen. If you really concentrate, you can actually hear my skin crawling.”
“Your mama.”
“Well, duh!”
Yeah, that’s about it…
“Were you ever dropped as a child?”
One from my husband, when someone starts telling a story with a ridiculous phrase–"…and then the spaceship landed." Apparently he once got chewed out for it, because the person thought he was giving away the next part of the story :eek: