Why has the catholic thread started showing up on the comebacks thread? bad posting or corrupted database? Or coincidence that a catholic thread is next to this one?
Blame Nava! She was the one who couldn’t simply, and quietly, take a copy of The Lighthouse, and had to give a snappy comeback. 
I was clicking this thread and thought I was clicking the other one. I finally realized I was in the right thread, which was confusing the shit out of me. We can drop the explanations now.
I was getting on the train in Yaounde, Cameroon with a huge bag of stuff and my porter tried to demand a really huge bribe to put my bag on the train. I told him I wouldn’t pay it. He then had his friend dressed in a fake uniform demand it, and I pointed out that his uniform was fake and that I wasn’t going to pay him. Finally after it became very clear I wasn’t going to fall for it he grudgingly put my bag on the train. Then, as I was leaving, he asked me where his gift for the new year’s was. I replied…
“Uhhh…it’s with your mom”
Guy just about fell over laughing. I didn’t think that one would cross cultures so well.
A guy approached me in the street tonight and demanded all my money. I pulled out a knife and stabbed him in the gut. When he fell to the ground I stabbed him a couple of times in each buttock. Then I leaned over and said, “I am going to ring the cops and tell them about this…stay away from the hospital.”
I bet he is suffering now.
My son’s Cub Scout Packleader had gone fishing for a couple of weeks. The first meeting back, he came in with a newly grown mustache. He’s a great kidder, and was going on and on with my son about how he got it, his stories getting more and more outlandish. Finally he said, “I’ll tell you the truth. I was fishing this weekend, caught this mustache and liked it so much, I kept it.”
Without missing a beat I said, “You should’ve thrown that one back.”
My typical response to those handing out religious literature is “No thank you, I worsip Satan.” It usually stops them in their tracks. Of course if there really is a Satan he must be wondering where all his sacrifices are.
More of a burn but…
Bartender fellow relaying a story about how he was at the baseball game with Greg. They were sitting in a section where foul tips land. He says “Greg didn’t like it because he doesn’t like balls flying in his face, but I’m not scared of balls in my face.”
I say “I heard you kind of like it.”
My daughter was just five feet tall most of her early high school years, and with my hubby being 6’2", and me being 5’9", she took a lot of teasing. A friend of mine who was her English teacher one year couldn’t resist the opportunity when dd was passing out papers in her class and then came up to her desk, saying," I’m two (papers) short." Rhonda giggled and said, “That’s okay, dear. I’m sure you’ll grow someday.” The whole class lost it, and it was quickly relayed down to my end of the building. DD is 5’6" now, and since she just graduated yesterday, I’m pretty sure that’s about all she gets.
One time I was with my boyfriend and his friends and my boyfriend was teasing me…he said something about how it was hard for me to talk with his dick in my mouth. I said “No, it’s not a problem, I just tuck it in my cheek and you can’t even tell it’s there.” Yee-ouch!
Third or fourth day on a new job in a call center, and I’m listening in to my new boss taking calls. One of the older first level techs sits just across the aisle, and he and bossman get to talking.
“So, wha’d you do last night?”
“Hung out at home. Watched National Masturbatic a whole lot. Oh, I guess I shouldn’t say that in front of phouka. She might be offended.”
I had been facing the computer, but I turned around and tented my hands.
“Fred, it’s not that it was offensive,” I told him. “It’s that it wasn’t funny.”
My new boss got to his feet and pointed overhand at Fred. “She just BURNED you. Dude, you are SO BURNED.”
sigh I miss that office.
IRL: Friends and I were sitting around commons area on campus.
Random Stranger: (To group) Can I share the joy of the lord with you?
Me: Can a share joy of a kick in the crotch with you?
Friend: Gaahh! (Sinuses full of Coke he had been drinking)
IRC:
Somenoob: If I were your kid I’d run away from home!
Projammer: If you were my kid I’d help you pack.
Yeah, that guy didn’t laugh either. I guess some people have no sense of humor! 
I guess that’s one of the reasons why I lost my job soon after.
“If they’re calling you to let you know, it’s because you’re their best customer.”
Bravo!
Awesome. Nicely done. 