This will take a bit of set-up.
Cow-orker #1 was a guy who was VERY full of himself, and quite obnoxious about it, and was bragging/setting up a joke to cow-orker #2.
#1: When I was dating, I always asked the woman if she had a fear of heights.
#2: Why?
#3: Because when I have sex, I like the woman on top.
At this point, I popped my head over the cubicle wall and interjected: “Oh. I thoght it was so she wouldn’t be afraid to jump down off your ego.”
This will take a bit of set-up.
Cow-orker #1 was a guy who was VERY full of himself, and quite obnoxious about it, and was bragging/setting up a joke to cow-orker #2.
#1: When I was dating, I always asked the woman if she had a fear of heights.
#2: Why?
#3: Because when I have sex, I like the woman on top.
At this point, I popped my head over the cubicle wall and interjected: “Oh. I thoght it was so she wouldn’t be afraid to jump down off your ego.”
Maybe Person 1 might comeback with –
“I’ll get the razor” or “Shaved it this morning”
“Move your nose, I hate to work in the shade.”
“Mr. Churchill, you are drunk, sir!”… “Yes, and in the morning I’ll be sober, but you’ll still be ugly”
When I was in college the professor was really trying to make the lesson to one of the students that wasn’t too bright. After explaining the concept, like, six different ways, she finally got it.
She said, “Gawd, I feel so stupid.”
I immediately replied, “Go with the feeling.”
This is an old George Carlin line but I still use it upon occasion in response to the ubiquitous - “Have a good one.”
“I have a good one, what I need is a longer one.”
Obnoxious wanker: “See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!”
Snappy comeback: “Know ya, wouldn’t want to blow ya.”
Friend Jane: "Well, Early, there’s a Halloween party coming up. What do you plan to wear to it?
Early: “Oh, I thought I’d go in the nude.”
Friend Jane: “As what?”
I think this is from a Marx Bros movie and actually goes:
“You’ve got a point, but if you wear a hat maybe no one will notice.”
(A bit more subtle.)
My own personal fave (which I trot out repeatedly to anyone who will listen) comes from my days working at a movie theater. After the millionth person annoyingly said “$X.XX?!?! Jeez, when I was a kid it was only 50 cents!” I replied “It costs more now because there’s SOUND.” One of his kids actually screamed “DAD! She BURNED YOU!” and was howling with laughter. Another time a guy bought two tickets, kept the stubs and then came back later with his date. As he came in he said “Want to see my stub?” I said “Are you sexually harassing me?” I must’ve accidentally hit home because his girlfriend started laughing REALLY HARD and he looked really mad. I actually felt bad about that one.
Well, not really a snappy comeback, but…
There was this girl in some of my classes next year. She’s really very sweet and nice, but is often kind off in her own universe. Not exactly ditzy, just sorta head in the clouds. We’ll call her, um, Girl.
Now, just for background, she had recently gotten a new boyfriend named, er, Jason. She liked him a lot; it was cute. But, maybe she thought about him a little too much, see; in the math class I had with her, it was me at one table with her and two of her friends (assigned seating). She talked about him fairly often. Once again, it was cute, but I heard a lot about this guy.
We were in class, and I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about, but somehow it was mentioned that something was in latin, or someone spoke latin. ‘Girl’ was, not atypically, off in her own universe when she heard our teacher say “latin.”
She immediately said, brightly, “Latin? Jason takes Latin.”
The Entire Class: …
Girl: Oh my God, did I just say that!?
Me (quietly, but loud enough for everyone to hear): I wish Jason was my boyfriend.
Oh, the poor girl. She’s convinced that I think she’s stupid. Dammit, I don’t, but it’s just dangerous to space out like she does when I’m in the room! Too easy a target. Now I feel bad.
I suppose I should have tried to find a way to convey the intense sarcasm with which that line was spoken. Problem was, I didn’t mean to say it loud enough to be heard; I barely meant to say it at all.
But, well…
Hehehe. All the same, I’m proud of that one.
Also, the real reason I’m posting again: I remembered another one.
Way back in middle school, I had a friend that was pretty unpopular, and he got tormented pretty often. Sadly, he wasn’t particularly clever, so he usually had no chance in a verbal duel. But once… oh man, one time in music class he emerged the unquestioned victor in two sentences:
Jerk: Hey, did you get that teeny tiny itty bitty condom in the mail yet?
Friend: What, the one you wanted?
CLASSIC! 
Another Churchhill quip here, which is paraphrased because I can’t remember the exact words. Also, it isn’t snappy because these are being mailed back and forth.
Play director: “Enclosed are ticket’s to tonight’s opening night performance. Bring a friend - if you have one.”
Churchill: “Cannot attend tonight, but will attend second night’s performance - if there is one”.
In highschool geometry:
A male B classmate was laughing so hard he was having trouble getting his breath.
Snotty Girl: You sound like Woody Woodpecker.
B (without missing a beat): Yeah, and you’ve got splinters in your teeth.
Don’t know if these qualify as snappy comebacks…
In High School Math class. Teacher asks, “Ok any questions?”
Student raises his hand, “Hey yea i have a question. Where the heck do they go to the bathroom on Gilligans Island?!”
This one is a true story. The shortest telegram ever sent…i think it was to Edison or some other inventor I forget which.
Telegram #1:
?
Telegram #2 in response:
!
Going with the snappy-comebacks-in-school vibe, my precalculus teacher in high school was wonderful and had a habit of asking random students from the class to explain last night’s homework problems in front of the room.
One poor fellow got up there one day and stammered and bumbled his way through just about the worst possible explanation of a problem. At the end, the teacher beamed at him and said, “Wow, Kevin! Have you ever considered a career as a teacher?”
Kevin looked confused and said, “Not really.”
“Good,” said the teacher, and went on with the lesson.
Daniel
At last years NYCDope, one doper said:
“Whenever I find out someone owns a gun, I try to become their friend because I figure it lowers my chance of getting shot”
To which I immediately replied:
“Yea, but once they get to know you, your chances go up alarmingly”
:D:D;)
Originally posted by Trancey :
Person 1 - “Kiss my ass!”
The long standing proper reply to this insult, is:
“I would, but it looks too much like your face!”
I read recently about this as being an exchange between Victor Hugo and his publisher, with Hugo inquiring as to how his latest novel was being received. The exclamation was the publisher’s response. Is this true, apocryphal, or is the Edison version correct?