I think I’ve posted this before…
During an argument over “works vs. faith” in Christianity, someone said “…and remember, jesus had no visible means of support.” to which I replied “Well, except for the nails.”
-crickets-
No one at that Christmas party talked to me for the rest of the night.
:eek: 
I wish I had the quick thinking of you folks!
I think this is pretty much the the definition of comebacks you go to hell for. 
Bwahaha. I would have laughed my head off. This is awesome.
I don’t think I’m going to hell for this one in fact I’m putting it my resume for heaven. But it’s still my favorite.
I’m walking down the block to a party, in a rather low cut shirt. Three guys coming the opposite way.
Particularly fat and obnoxious guy: “Hey babe, nice tits”
Me: “Thanks yours are nice too”
His friends pretty much doubled over laughing .
Once, I was visiting a friend. We went to a local coffee shop to chat and catch up. During our conversation, a guy came up and flirted with my friend. She asked him to go away. He persisted. “Listen,” I said. “We rarely see each other. Would you please leave us in peace.”
“Listen, Bitch. I can do whatever I want.”
“Bitch? Come on. We’re blocks from a college here. You could have used something more original. Cunt, twat, cooze, shrew, harpy, nag, hussy, or slut. Come back when you have a larger vocabulary.”
He left and didn’t come back.
No hell and not me but it was funny and brilliant.
I was helping some friends load some equipment into a bar and two drunken lummoxes show up looking for trouble.
Lummoxes: “Do you have a fucking problem?!”
My Friend: “No, but thanks a lot. We’ve got everything taken care. God it’s great to run into people who are so willing to help to complete strangers!”
Lummoxes: “What!? I said do you have a fucking problem!?” (they do the pre- fight posture here)
My Friend: “Like I said, I think we’ve got everything under control. I really do appreciate your offer though, it’s a rare thing in this day and age to run into such helpful people, you take care now!”
The two guys were completely baffled. They didn’t say anything else and just nodded their heads and walked away.
I was at dinner with a group of people, one of whom was an obnoxious woman who kept giving me “helpful advice” and backhanded compliments on my appearance. (For example, at one point she told me, “Talbots makes dresses that would be great for you. They’re kind of boxy, so they’ll hide your problem areas.”)
In the middle of a conversation with someone other than her, I took off my glasses to give the lenses a quick wipe. I was holding them in my hand, ready to put them back on my my face, when Obnoxious Woman said, “Wow! You look so much better without your glasses on!” I turned to her and shot back, “Hey! So do you!”
ETA: I don’t think I’m going to H-E-double hockey sticks for this one. If anything, maybe I’ll get special commendation in Heaven for my deed. I could tell that everyone at the table was delighted to see someone zing this woman but good!
I am waiting to use, “No. I can’t even remember where I last had him either.”
It’s funny and it’s true
I’m personally a fan of, “Did you try retracing your steps?”
I like that too.
I’m waiting for “Do you know Jesus?” so I can say “Only in the biblical sense”
Great line! Can I buy a drink, perhaps a mug of wassail?
Not a comeback (or hell-worthy), but I’ve taken to saying to slow-poke, dawdlers and people who stand gawky because they’ve never seen a building taller than 3 stories, as I sail by: "There’s gotta be a cattle prod somewhere with your name(s) on it.
This one happened no more than 24 hours ago:
“You’re an asshole, I hope you know.”
“You’re a slut. What’s your point?”
“At least I’m getting some.”
“Yeah, from the druggie and the guy who stopped talking to you after he fucked you. Good call.”
“And I enjoyed every minute of it.”
“Well yeah, sluts usually do. No matter who it’s from.”
I no longer talk to her.
Backstory: I like to entertain myself by thinking of the most innapropriate thing I could say/do in a given situation. For example, to rid myself of “stage fright” when playing the organ in church, I’d imagine ending the next hymn with the “shave and a haircut, two bits!” ditty. I’d never actually do it, but the thought of it was relaxing as anything else I might really do (wrong notes, miscues) would pale in comparrison.
I was out shopping with friends in college. We were discussing our plans to go out that night. My roommate and best friend, who never wore makeup except for special occasions (and looked just fine without), said she was going to dress up and “I might even put on some makeup.”
Without missing a beat I replied, “Oh good. You look so ugly without it.”
I only said it because it was the exact opposite thing that someone would say in such a situation and it was so patently untrue, but I think it stung anyway. It’s become a running joke many years later.
Just remembered another one!
I’m typically an ass to my friends, because I can get away with it and it actually ends up being just as amusing for them as it is for me. Or at least that’s how I justify it to myself. 
Friend: (finishes relating some story/anecdote)
Me: Did you know giraffes have no vocal chords?
Friend: Um… no… why do you mention it?
Me: Oops! I thought we were each taking turns telling the other stuff we didn’t care about.
It’s now become a running joke in my circle of friends to reply to someone’s story with “… and giraffes have no vocal chords.”
Awesome!
First lawnmowing of the season and the mower won’t start. Debate ensues. I say, let’s change out the gas. He says, it’s probably the same as last year we have to remove the cover and jiggle the…whatever it was!
In front of his family, that’s visiting, I push my point, reasoning we should obviously do the gas thing first as it’s so much easier. But we have no gas. He says he’ll suction some from his car, grudgingly giving in. Loudly announces he’s going to change his clothes first, having just returned from golfing.
As he takes a step away, and without looking up, and not a seconds pause, I respond;
“Put on something flammable!”
(I know you’ll be delighted to know he was right all along and we did have to jiggle the…whatever.)
Is it just me or is it getting warm in here?
At the mall a rather elderly lady with a clipboard stopped me and asked if I had time to take her survey.
Me: “No, I am sorry I don’t.”
She: “All I need to know is what kind of toothpaste you use.”
Me: “I don’t use toothpaste”
The survey lady held her hand out to me palm up and said: “Surely you use some kind of toothpaste!”
I gently grasped her hand and spit my upper denture into her palm. “No,” I replied “I don’t use toothpaste.” I picked my denture up and put it back in my mouth and walked away.
I’m still waiting for the obligatory Leslie Nielsen ending…