Nicely stylish. With good comedic timing, it might well be stellar.
Tonight at WallyWorld, a woman came past me, verbally laying into her under 10 aged kid
“I’m not happy camper right now!”
Me: “Then don’t go camping.”
I don’t know what was better: the daggers from her eyes, or watching my wife turn purple laughing.
Our Audit Manager, who stood all of about five feet tall, was standing in my office talking to me about something.
A woman, who tended to be very brisk/New York in her mannerisms, walks into my office, intending to see if any of us want to join her in a carry-out lunch order. But she doesn’t say that - she looks at us and the one word she utters is, “Chinese???”
I immediately respond, “No, he’s just a little short, and don’t you think you’re being insensitive?”
It was getting late and I was almost running going to the main library at UC Berkeley when the typical preacher that you see many times in university plazas was preaching to the “infidel” students passing by to class.
Not much of a crowd then because the students were also hurrying to their classes. Typical fire and brimstone messages from him, with few uplifting messages here and there, mostly the messages that make fun of “evilution”.
This day he was on a roll, how Jesus is coming, Jesus will judge you, etc, and then when I was getting closer he was saying to me and others:
- “Jesus was perfect!! He never made a mistake! Never made a mistake!!!”
Just then I was walking next to him and then I said:
- “Except when he decided to pick figs out of season”…
The preacher just stopped cold, the few students passing by were amused, then he began to laugh nervously, but still showing a happy face.
- “Heh heh heh, uh, well… Maybe?!? You see, we always have to consider … blah blah blah…”
Could not hang around and catch his attempt of putting himself together, but it was the most perfectly timed comeback I ever had, and the reaction was priceless.
That line, my sick friend, would have put you on my Christmas card list forever.
Not exactly a one liner
I work in a MegaMart bakery part time. I’m not sure if it is because I am older, wiser and in debt or just properly medicated, but the asshattery of the Management and superiors entertains me more than irritates me. Every day is a comedy.
Anywhooo.
Our supervisor ( panic attack queen, cannot say directly to someones face anything bad) leaves us a note regarding the night before’s throw aways. The expired bake goods that we pull off the shelf, write off and then toss ( yes, toss. It is sickening.) Somehow it is our fault that the zombiefied customers don’t buy baked goods.
*We had $1400 of throw aways last night! This is unacceptable. (blah blah blah blah) Where is our integrity? *
I wrote on the note: Integrity is out of our price range. For $7 an hour there is Apathy or Indifference. Choose Wisely.
Its been two weeks and she hasn’t noticed it yet. (Everyone else has.)
Then there is the Doper Classic by someone I forget, but I think of every time I use the hand dryers of the world. Press Button. Wipe hands on Pants.
Whomever that doper is, I salute you.
Platinum!
First insurgents and now sluts… how are you staying alive?
Someone I know, who is notable for being the epitome of ignorance, piped up with “I don’t know why these schools make you buy so many books. In my day we had just one book and it was enough”.
Before I could stop it, my mouth said “and the glowing results are there for all to see”.
Do what I do. Take notes!
One of the great comedians once said, A successful comedian is someone with a good memory who hopes everyone else doesn’t.
A rude bitch of a boss was brow beating one of the students over nothing one day. I took the girl’s arm, saying, “She’s not your boss, don’t listen to her.”
The boss turns her blood-spurting eyes on me and said, “Do you mean to piss me off?” I responded “It’s a perk.”
I’m sure she started breathing again, she was still around the next day.
One night, many decades ago, I was having drinks with some friends. A stranger came to the table, took my arm and asked, “Do you dance, girly?” I responded, “I do, but not with you.”
Naw, Hal just doesn’t like those stinky baby farts.
I can now verify that this one will not work on drunk people. Or geeks.
This past Easter I dutifully rose bright and early to attend our church’s Easter sunrise service at the site where our church building will be constructed. As I walked up the hill toward the place where we were to have our service, one of the members came up to me and exclaimed “Christ is risen!” She wished me a good morning, and I said something about still being half asleep. She responded by saying that Jesus had risen this early, so I should be glad. My reply was, “Yeah, but he had three days of rest before he had to get up.”
They still let me in on Sundays, probably figuring I need all the help I can get.
I was at a party and there was this guy spouting off some rubbish about something and then he mentions he tried to commit suicide.
Me: “Did you succeed?”
Different party. An overweight guy says about someone, “Look, hes got no chin”. Me: “Well, you could lend him one of yours”.
I’ve told this one before, I believe…
Several years ago, GrizzWife and I are vacationing in Florida. At the time, we were trying to become pregnant. She starts feeling some symptoms that could mean either the onset of her period or perhaps she’s become pregnant and starting the dreaded morning-sickness.
Being the dutiful hubby, off to the drugstore I go to buy feminine hygiene products and a pregnancy test… ya know, just to be sure.
Behind me in line are two fellas, both about 20 years old. One of them is holding a Penthouse magazine in his hand. They’re both pointing and laughing to each other about my pending purchase. 'Cuz, ya know, I’m a GUY and I’m buying <gasp> TAMPONS.
Me- (noticing the magazine they’re going to purchase) “Penthouse, eh?”
Them - “Yeah. So?”
Me- (tapping box of tampons) “I’ve got a REAL woman!”
Cashier - “SNRK!”
OOH! One more…
The lawyer for our company (his name is Bill) is always going out to lunch with the other top-dogs (all males) in the company. Often I’ll pass them in the lobby or parking lot.
As I pass the group, I’ll offer a two-word greeting. A single nod accompanies each word.
“Gentlemen…” <pause two seconds> “… Bill.”
The first time I made this comeback to a stranger it was pretty bad, but the second and third occasions confirmed my reservations at Club Gehennom for real.Even so, whenever I answer my home phone and it’s someone who dialed a wrong number, I just can’t resist the urge to initiate the following:
Victim - Hi, can I talk to Merv?
DLuxN8R-13: Sure, can I ask who’s calling?
V: It’s Vic.
D-13 (with just a tidj of dubious hesitation): Vic? Uh, okay, man, I’ll go tell him…
[D-13 puts down the handset and walks off . After a credible interval, like a minute or so, D-13 picks up the phone again]
D-13: Uh, Vic?
V-Yeah?
D-13: Man, I told Merv you were on the phone and, well, he’s still *really pissed off, and he does not want to talk to you at all *right now.
[D-13 hangs up the phone and falls on the floor, laughing his evil, immature ass off]
This one actually might get me into hell. We have a customer at my workplace who we call “The Prophet”–he’s into all that biblical Numerology business and he cooks up strange science/religion metaphors to prove his ridiculous points. I was having a bad day and I wasn’t on the clock–just there to score some free coffee–so when he claimed that the speed of light’s universal constancy proved God’s omnipotence, I fired back with “I guess you can convince yourself of anything if you try hard enough”. He got steamed and just walked away. I was on a roll, so I shot off a “Have fun with that” as he left. He hasn’t said a word to me since. Good riddance! I had had enough of his smug modern-prophet bullshit and his me-against-the-world attitude.
You mean “I have a headache” or “I can’t find the lube”?
Yeah! That was probably the first time those teenagers had ever heard the word “fuck”.
What does this “fuck” mean, fetus ?
< 21 year old self gets her Google on >
:eek:
:mad:
How dare you, sir?! A young and delicate lady like myself should never be exposed to such language!
I honestly have no idea. You have no clue how many times I’ve should have died.
Apparently I will not be lonely in hell…these have all been so entertaining!
I have one more, from several years back, during the worst part of the aftemath of my divorce. I was broke, had just moved because I couldn’t afford my rent, the ex wasn’t paying his child-support, and my car got totalled. So I’m off to find a decent used car that I can afford with my teeny-tiny insurance check. My ex tells me that I should go to a certain salesman at a certain dealership, “and be sure to mention that Brenda referred you, he’ll give you a great deal.”
Now Brenda was the woman my husband left me and the kids for…I’m not a big fan of the woman, but if mentioning her name will save me a few hundred, well, I’m too broke to be proud. So I do, and the salesman, who seems to be a married man, just goes on and on about how great Brenda is, and what a wonderful person she is, and the whole time I can just feel my blood pressure rising. So finally the deal is done, all the papers signed, and we are just sitting there waiting for paperwork to be brought back over, and he’s chattering away about Brenda again. This “wonderful woman” was sleeping with a good friend of mine’s husband at the same time she was sleeping with MY husband…sometimes within an hour of each other (the reason why my husband offered me this bit of information as proof of Brenda’s wonderfulness remains a mystery to this day) and I’d had enough of this salesman singing her praises.
So I stopped him in mid-praise and said, “You do know that Brenda had an affair with my husband, and we have two small children, right? And that she was having a fling with my best friend’s husband at the same time, and THEY have two small children? And I see that picture on your desk of your wife and two small children. So it really makes me wonder if your wife knows that you’re so enthusiastic about a woman who seems to specialize in messing around with married men. So for the rest of the time I’m here, could we NOT discuss the reasons you think that home-wrecking slut is a really great person? Thank you.”
The guy eventually closed his mouth. I didn’t mean to be brutal, and he probably wasn’t having an affair with her too, but I was pissed off and being polite hadn’t gotten me very far in life so far. And I felt just a tiny bit better.