Damn Perfect Lines and the Damn Perfect Moment

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

A interesting thought. You have had it happen to you with the perfect put down or the perfect line to a akward moment. Lets hear them.

An example
One of my friends told me of a tale of a tennis tourney where a woman wearing a tank top and no bra sorta popped out after diving for a ball. As she sheepishly got up and began to put herself back together among the uncomfortable silence, a lone voice was heard “now that is what I call a pair of dueces!” Laughter and applause resounded and the woman bowed to her observer with the loose tounge.

I so enjoy tales of wit. Anyone have any others?

I know that I have put you through hell, and I know that I have been one rough pecker. But from here on, you are all in my cool book.- Seth Gecko From Dusk Till Dawn

2

Well…I have this friend who’s an actor. He got hurt during a production this Spring and messed his leg up pretty thoroughly. (He was playing Harpo Marx and a stunt went wrong) He had major reconstructive surgery last week and now has his leg in plaster for the next 6 months.

Day before he went under the knife I emailed:
“Break a Leg”

Couple days after I got a long diatribe about the horrors of surgery, insurance companies and the vargaries of life. Since I had just blown my budget on a Groucho Marx First Edition, I replied:
“Well, I may be broke but…(wait for it)…I’m a leg up on you.”

Got another lament yesterday and replied:
“Quit bitchin’ about your cast…it’s probly the only one you were ever in where you got top billing.”

Soon as the drugs wear off I expect to get buried with lawyer jokes. :slight_smile:

JB
Lex Non Favet Delicatorum Votis

3

A little background first…

When Marines wear their jungle cammies we often make fun of them by calling them “tree suits”. A Jar head wearing one is a “tree”.

Petty officers in the Navy are ranked third class petty officer through first class petty officer. For short they are called a third, a second or a first.

I was mustering a base security company a few years back in New Jersey. It was a mixed company of Sailors and Marines. My LT came up and asked me to take aside a first class petty officer. Having trouble finding him in the mass of personnel the perfect retort came to me…

“Sorry, sir. I can’t see the first for the trees.”

He about shit himself laughing.

4

Lame.

There’s always another beer.

5

One day a bunch of co-workers and I were outside taking a break. A sleazy girl from the office next door walked by in a skirt cut up to her ass. One of my co-workers said “Jeez- she really ought to sew up that slit”. I replied, “yeah, and she could put a few stitches in that skirt sometime, too”

Yikes- it was a classic moment and much laughter ensued :slight_smile:

Click here for some GOOD news for a change

Zettecity

6

I was once at a meeting, consuming vast quantities of shrimp. Some wiseass said, “Hey Cabbage, the ocean just called–They’re running out of shrimp!”

To which I replied, “Oh yeah? Well the jerk store just called, and they’re running out of you!”

:wink:

7

Cabbage, are you sure that was you?

I swear I’ve seen that scene in a movie.

Unfortunately, http://www.imdb.com doesn’t have a quote with those words…

::argh::

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, dogs are from Pluto.

8

I was working at a magazine on West 39th Street a few years ago, and one of our co-workers ran in and yelled, “the church across the street is on fire!”

To which I, of course, replied, “holy smoke!”

I’d been waiting YEARS to use that, and I even restrained myself from torching churches.

9

ahhh Cabbage…a George Costanza fan are you?
=)

“Only when he no longer knows what he is doing, does the painter do good
things.” --Edgar Degas

10

I was working the grill at my fast food job in HS. We had a real hectic lunch rush, and the poor girl running the drive-through window was beat. After the last order was out the window, she leaned back and exclaimed, “I have had it!”

“Oh? How many times?” I asked.

I think she would’ve hit me harder, but she was laughing too hard.

11

Cabbage:

Well I had sex with your wife.

La franchise ne consiste pas à dire tout ce que l’on pense, mais à penser tout ce que l’on dit.
H. de Livry

12

My wife and I were driving through the neighborhood where she had lived before we married. I said “I once dated a very sweet young lady who lived right there”, and pointed to her old house. She snuggled up close and asked “Why, whatever happened to her?”. I replied “I often wonder the same thing!”. She hit me for that one. True comedy is seldom appreciated.

The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. – E. Grebenik

13

We had a substitute in AP Lit, and she had to go to the office to call our teacher. As she swept out the door, she said dramatically, “I’ll be back.”

From the back of the room, a small voice was heard saying, “And I’ll be Chopin.” The whole room burst out laughing.

And that voice was me! (Sorry, I rarely ever think of a zinger.)

Question authority–just not mine.

14

Revealing my gamer origins, but here goes.

One night, while playing a fantasy-based RPG, our GM made the side comment, “These are smart goblins, you can tell. They’re using poisoned arrows.”

Another person in the group asked, “What do the dumb goblins use?”

Before the GM could answer, I popped in with “Poisoned bows.”

Then he said, “That is that.”
And then he was gone.
-Dr. Seuss, * The Cat in the Hat*

15

We were having a girls weekend in Gatlinburg. A family thing, people, don’t start getting excited. Anyway, we were laughing and drinking and being pretty obnoxious. My cousin, Anita, was having a PMS weekend b/c she’d done nothing but crab all day. The drive is too long. The food is cold. Anyway, at midnight, she came out of her bedroom and pointed to the clock on the wall. “Guys, I don’t mean to be a bitch or anything…” She began.

To which I immediately replied, “Too late.”

16

My sister and I had gotten into one of our typical sibling arguments, which rapidly degenerated into a round of disparaging each other’s intelligence. My sister said, “Ha! You really think you’re that smart? Well, I have a supercomputer in my brain!”

To which I replied: “No, you just have the first syllable.”

My sister, unable to come up with a suitable rejoinder, stalked off, leaving the field to me. Seeing as how I suffer from a terminal case of “taxi wit”, this particular victory stands out as an oasis of verbal triumph in a veritable wasteland of “shoulda-saids”.

“That’s entertainment!” —Vlad the Impaler

17

The most common complaint I get at work is that I can use too technical of language. A work group I was in was trying to develop a mission statement for a project (something that should only happen in Dilbert.) I said something, to which a friend replied “Yeah, that’s pretty good. Can sombody put it into words?” I was laughing as hard as everyone else and was barely able to snort out “I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was talking in colors!”

18

This one’s more a case of synchronicity than a zinger, as I actually came out wiht the punchline before the joke happened.

Background: My roommate is a total moron. Really obnoxious, spoiled rotten, etc., etc., etc. I could go on for hours. And it’s not just me; everybody else agrees that the kid is a stupid jerk.

Here we go:
A couple of friends and I are sitting in my dorm room watching a movie, nothing much going on. I suddenly remembered a conversation from earlier in the day, during which I had referred to a certain bit in William Burroughs’s Naked Lunch. So all of a sudden I blurt out, “Oh! I gotta show you ‘The Talking Ass’!” and begin to rummage through my bookshelf.

Three seconds later the door opens and in walks my roommate, going “Hi guys.”

We all died laughing.

It killed him, we wouldn’t tell him why.

Hehe.

19

“Officer, I’ve had not one beer.”

20

(I’ve told this one before here, but it is one the highlights of my mundane life.)

My coworker was back in college after 15 plus years since graduating from high school.
She was taking and subsequently dreading a basic english class.

Our bosses 10 year old son was in the office for the day, playing hooky, well he had a cold.

My coworker asked me, " What’s an acronym?"

I thought for a moment and replied, " Umm, isn’t that Opposites, like Hot/cold?"

The 10 year old said, “An Acronym is like Schoolbus”

“Schoolbus? Huh?” We both looked at him confused.

“Y’know. S.C.U.B.A” He replied stuffily.

"Oh. "We both replied, slightly annoyed that this kid KNOWS this and WE don’t.

Not be outdone, I shot back, “No, an acronym is the Capital of Ohio.”

My coworker grinned andwent back to her work before the next question, " What’s an antonym?"

IQ Boy answered quickly, " It’s the opposite, like Hot and Cold."

" Nooooo," I retorted, " An antonym is when we place our hands over our hearts and the fat lady sings the national antonym before the baseball game."
( Too bad I have such a poor memory, I’m known for my zinging one liners…really.)