Damn Perfect Lines and the Damn Perfect Moment

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

One night when we still had cable and I was pregnant with our son, hubby was downstairs watching tv, a nature special. About porcupines. Since our sex life was pretty much nonexistant at this point, watching woodland creatures hump was probably appealing to his dreaded sperm build up.

I was upstairs but was looking over the railing (right behind my husband) and listening to the commentator:
*The North American Porcupine female has a fifteen minute window of ovulation every year. That means the male has to utilize this time wisely…blah blah…[/i}

My husband, thinking I am upstairs, yells,
“Honey, what do you have in common with a female North American Porcupine?”

" We both have to deal with little pricks."

Heh.

22

On vacation with my wife, early in our marriage, we were driving along a country road with no signs of a farm, a creek, a pond or anything else. Suddenly, a flock of ducks wandered out between the road and the fenceline. My wife remarked “Where did those ducks come from?”

“Eggs.”

It’s still a family line.

When Great Lakes freighters dock, someone stands at the bow and another at the stern phoning the wheelhouse with the distance to the dock in successively halved increments from 96 feet (96, 48, 24, 12, 6) so that the captain knows whether he needs to give the engine a few more turns or to back off to avoid a collision. The last call when the ship has made contact with the dock is “Up against!” Cruising into Indiana Harbor one day, everyone on deck watched as the driver of a station wagon near the dock tried to park next to a truck. After a lot of trouble backing and filling they finally hit the truck. Simultaneously, several voices called out “Up against!”

Tom~

23

I’m not really great at coming up with zippy little one-liners, but for some reason, I inspire others. Go figure.

Back in 1988 I was pregnant. My boyfriend worked in a men’s clothing store. The guys he worked with were discussing how miserable women get during “that time of the month.” One of them said “You know, there’s nothing worse than a woman when she’s having her period.” My boyfriend tossed in, “Oh yes there is. They’re much worse when they’re not having them.” If that line hadn’t been so damn funny, I would have killed him.

Then there’s my current husband. My mom had made me this nifty pair of earrings. One earring has a brown wooden bead on top, and two white beads underneath. The other earring is reversed, with the white beads on top. My husband was commenting on the difference, and I said(in an attempt to be funny) “Well, they help to keep my head balanced.” He was quiet for a moment, and said “Don’t you think those would do a better job clipped to your checkbook?” I found out right then that he’s not only a closet comedian, he was a track star in a past life.

24

My brother hosted a D&D crowd for several years, including the period I lived with him. I was never tempted to join, but I would sometimes look over their shoulders for a few minutes.

In one game, a creature was “seen” ahead of the group and someone cried “Hark” just as someone else cried “What is it?” In a (beer induced) jovial mood, they were about to wrangle over just what sort of monster a “hark” was when I pointed out that it was obviously related to the sirens.
Quizzical looks around the table.
At which I quoted, “Hark, the herald angels sing.”

Tom~

25

Back when I was in a college choir, a few of us (well, six) were practicing our parts in a sextet.It was not going well, and one of the tenors finally said in frustration to a soprano, “I think you’re flat!” To which she replied, “So that’s why you never pay any attention to me!” He turned all kinds of colors, and it pretty much ended the practice.

Catrandom, who admires quickness in others because she is not at all quick herself

26

Of course as I think about it I have had a few good ones come back to me. Most from high school since I was a evil asshole (now just a asshole)

In a class where we sorta being introed into a scared straight type discussion, a teacher relayed a story to about 40 of us about how he confronted a student who had a gun and demanded that he give it to him. He then mimiced the kid giving him the gun and him sticking it into his pants while explaining the situation. Right when he jammed his finger into his waistband I caught the silence with a nice big dead solid perfect mock of his voice “BLAM! gun went off, shot off my kneecap.” The whole class busted a gut and even the teacher could not help but laugh himself.

The school electorials and assemblies were a absolute riot with a bunch of us consistently getting zingers off at the expense of our classmates. (Enough to the point that a few of us were not allowed to go in for some
time.)
-My friend Tom Duffy got the ultimate hit when a girl (gorgeous chick) was doing a speech for her to get elected treasurer. I now quote
Girl:“I do not know what I can do to win your vote…”
Tom:“Take off your clothes and I will consider it.”
Absolute chaos as 500+ of us agreed. Tom got the boot to a standing ovation.

I know that I have put you through hell, and I know that I have been one rough pecker. But from here on, you are all in my cool book.- Seth Gecko From Dusk Till Dawn

27

One more, not one of mine but probably one of the funniest I ever read

From MOUSE TALES: A behind the Scenes Look at DisneyLand:

There was once a nice donkey ride trail in Frontierland when the park first opened. It was quickly closed down for various reasons, among them the weight limits of the donkeys only able to support 180 lbs and the uncomfortable question that the attendants having to ask how much do you weigh. Often the outright lies of some hefty folks to let them ride the donkey got the better of them. This was demonstrated by a easily 300+ woman lumbering over to ride one of the donkeys. A attendant stopped her.
Attendant: Maam the donkeys have a weight limit of around 150 lbs. I must prevent you from using the ride.
Woman: Preposterous. I weigh 140
(and without missing a beat)
Attendant: Which leg?

I know that I have put you through hell, and I know that I have been one rough pecker. But from here on, you are all in my cool book.- Seth Gecko From Dusk Till Dawn

28

I guess you had to be there.

There’s always another beer.

29

I have two “Best Lines” that I managed to come up with on the spot instead of a week later…

(1) I was ready to go to my first concert - The Ramones! I took a day off work at the restaurant I was employed at and my boss, who used to like punk rock in the early '80s before he got married, had kids, etc. asked me why I took the day off.

I told him, he said, jokingly, “I used to like The Ramones. But then I gre up!”

Without missing a beat, I replied, “Don’t you mean you grew old?”

(2) I was working late at a place off 6th Avenue in Manhattan. After work, I walked to the 14th Avenue Subway stop for the F Train back to Brooklyn.

There is (was?) a bank on the corner, and like all banks in most urban areas, the ATM’s were inside the lobby and you needed a card to get in.

Glancing inside, I saw - instead of the usual homeless guy sleeping - a male and femals. He was on top of her. Yes, they were fucking.

I watched this for a second, and s about to head home (as a jaded New Yorker, this only meritted a little of my time) when a black guy came by, saw what was going on, and said something like, “Man, what are they doing?”

I just replied, “Oh, he’s just making a deposit.”

Yer pal,
Satan

30

This might not be funny at all, since the original was in Dutch, but I think you’ll get the general idea.

I was about 15 years old, and it was gym class. We had an assistant teacher, who was doing her internship at our school to finish off her eduction to become a Professional Gym Teacher. I forget her name, but this chick was GORGEOUS. And -forgive me for not being PC, but it IS relevant in the story- she had a HUGE set of knockers.

That particular day, we were doing the high jump. So, the equipment’s all lined up, the bar and cushion are all there. All that’s needed is a volunteer to do the first jump. Now, whilst being completely unathletic at any event that involves flexibility, for some reason I am GREAT at the high jump. I used to be able to do 1.60 meters.

So anyway, I volunteer to do the example jump. Bar’s at 1.20 or so, no biggie, I run to it, turn just in time, lift-off, I fly over the bar with space to spare, and land happily on my back. Quite content with myself, I lay there smiling, resting on my elbows.

She apparently liked my jump, as she uttered, “Ooooo Coldfire, that’s a GREAT take-off you got there !”

To which I responded, still leaning back casually, “Yeah, and that’s a great landing gear you got there !”

People fell over each other laughing. Even the full-time teacher, a major pain in the ass, cracked up completely…
I know, I know. I was a sexist pig when I was young. But I’ve grown since. I’m better than that now.

“No, really.”

:wink:

Coldfire

“You know how complex women are”

  • Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
31

When I was 16, me and one of my friends decided to go to the movies. It was one of those theaters that only show one movie. The movie was ::drumroll:: Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. Expecting to be the only semi-adults in a room full of small children, we bought tickets and discovered that the place was packed with teenagers (I mean packed, I have never seen a movie house so full). Anyways, about halfway through the movie, the part where Pee Wee is sitting in the dinosaur monument with the waitress. The room is pretty quiet when all of a sudden, some guy pipes up loudly “Get yourself some Pee Wee”. That is probably the first and last time I’ve seen an entire roomful of people laugh so hard that people were falling out of their chairs. Makes me wish I had thought of it.

Shadowfox
“We are what we pretend to be.”

  • Kurt Vonnegut
32

It may sound wierd, but when my friends and I get together we like to make fun of each other. Nothing is off limits. The other night after many beers, someone called me a “Mother Fcer”. (Don’t know if I can type it when not in the pit) Anyway, my immediate response was to say, “Yeah, I Fced your mother, and she said I was better than you were.”

Thanks,

Daniel

33

Perfect situation, perfect justice.

The Boss From Hell moved in and promptly made life a misery for everyone. He was a drunk, abusive, crude, sexist, racist and physically abusive as well. The “powers that were” didn’t want to hear about it, because they’d paid megabucks to recruit this putz and didn’t want to admit they’d made a dreadful, expensive mistake.

He, of course, brown-nosed The Powers shamelessly but mocked the viciously behind their backs.

Sooo…the vicious idiot was in full abusive spate, screaming insults and sexual slurs and general dreck. He was so loud, in fact, that he failed to hear the door opening.
Behind him stood the BIG boss, Da Big Kahuna Hisself.

Not one of us blinked an eye or moved a single facial muscle. We just let him rant and spew garbage. He didn’t stop until he got through his threatening, “and don’t think you’re going to go squealing to those dickless wonders upstairs, because…etc.”

Da Big Kahuna, a very dignified gentleman, just coughed gently. That’s all it took. Since we’d let The Idiot rant on unchecked for a good 3 minutes, there was absolutely no way to cover or gloss it over.

It was priceless. The Idiot was gently and courteously summoned upstairs, and his resignation announced later that afternoon. We gave him a beautiful going-away gift: a group photo of us peons, signed and begging him to remember us.

Sometimes life just damned works!

Sorry that was so long. It still brings a sentimental tear to my eye.

Veb

34

I’m not going to mention any names (you know who you are) but some of these stories read like those Reader’s Digest humor sections. You decide for yourself whether to take that as an insult or a compliment. <g>

35

My parents used to have really big, screaming fights. One night, after they had exhausted themselves yelling and had quieted down to a murderous silence, my father said to my mother “do you want a divorce?” She looked at him and yelled “NO! I’m going to stay here and make life hell for you.”

36

TVelblen, talk about poetic justice. I wish I had been a fly on the wall for that scene. :slight_smile:

37

We were watching the Channel 2 News (KNXT-TV, Los Angeles in 1980) and the announcer said, that, much to the disappointment of automakers, people were not going back to buy big cars after the end of the gas shortage. Just as he finished the line, a light bulb exploded in the studio with a loud pop. My brother commented, “Well, there goes Mr. Iacocca!”

“If you drive an automobile, please drive carefully–because I walk in my sleep.”–Victor Borge

38

I work in a library. I came in and sat down at dinner complaining about how I had to push truly staggering amount of books that day. (Someone was doing a project and had taken out fifteen years’ worth of two bound journals. I had to put them away.) Anyway, I was going on about how heavy they’d been and (joshingly) said, “Yeah, I’m really developing my muscles.” I flexed.

My mom went, “Ooh, you’re so strong!”

“Yeah,” I replied. “Conan the librarian.”

39

I had a pretty good one the other night at the Chicago SDMB meeting. Uke and Unclebeer were slightly older than the rest of us. When those two decided to leave earlier than everyone else, we started teasing them about their age, and someone asked them how old they were. Uke said that the two of them combined were somewhere above 80. I gestured to 3 other people and myself and said, “Oh yeah, so are we.”

Well, WE laughed, anyway.

40

I was working with this guy on a project & we sat down one day to do some things in Windows. He said (in his lovely english accent) “You know, I’m going GUI in my old age”

I looked at him and asked “Is this a personal problem?”