I was discussing with a friend recently about an online “affair” I’ve been having with a particularly amazing guy. Of course I realize that what seems perfect online might not be so in person, but because of distance we have not yet met in the flesh. But in theory he seems like he would be the perfect partner for me in almost every one of my desired qualities, added to which, he’s also really into me as well. But alas, there is one major incompatibility - he smokes. “Oh well,” I told my friend, “close… but no cigar.” My friend giggled and about ten seconds later I realized what I had said. :smack:
Of course it would have been triply ironic had I been puffing on a cigar at that very moment
Have I ever! Sometimes when I get distracted I’ll say almost anything - and I do. One evening I was focused on something I was reading when Mr Cotta, examing the back of hands noted, “I wonder how I got all these calluses on the back of my hands?”
Without much thought I said, “Maybe you should stop dragging your knuckles.”
Then ther was the unfortunate DMV incident. For various reasons I was late getting the tags for my car. It was back when the tags were supposed to be done by January 1 and the lines around the office were long and the state was getting a lot of criticism for it. I was there in March and in line before 7am. By the time I got to the head of the line I’d been standing for hours and the blood had drained from my brain so I was working on auto-pilot.
I stepped up to the desk and faced this enourmous woman who was obviously enjoying her power and authority. She towered over me and imperiously looked down and said, “March, huh? Where you been for the last 3 months?”
Without blinking I said, “Standing in line.”
It’s about as close as I’ve been to Death By Look. I could tell because people all over the office were ducking for cover.
Watching Peter Sellers’s movie “The Party” with a friend and her brother. There’s a scene where Sellers is running around really really really needing a bathroom, but they are all occupied. He looks down and notices a cat’s litter box.
Me: Oh, no.
Friend: He wouldn’t stoop so low.
Her brother and I laughed our butts off, while the red-faced friend was saying “That’s not what I meant.”
When he was in school, his choir director was discussing the practice of gender-neutrifying references to God (avoiding calling God “he”.) At some point someone asked whether they had to do the same for Jesus. The choir director said, “No, Jesus is still male.”
My friend: “Yeah, the bible says he was circumcised…”
We commute via the ferry, and there is a friend of hers we talk to on the first leg of the journey, and then he gets off. We continue on the same ferry for about 10 more minutes. During the leg of the journey he is with us, we are all animated and talking, but after he leaves we tend to be pretty quiet.
So one day we are talking/joking about how we do this. Then I say ‘well at least YOU have someone interesting to talk to!’. It took her several seconds to realize what I had said. Luckily she took it in the joking vein I intended.
I was driving my wife and a whole car-load of her friends after dinner one night.
The topic came around to straws… see, wifey likes straws: a glass of coke? She wants a straw. A mug of beer? She wants a straw. Cup of water? Straw. About the only things she doesn’t drink through a straw are tequila shots and hot coffee.
So her friend asks her, in Korean, “What’s the dealio with you and straws, anyways?”
My wife says, without thinking, “I like to suck!”
There was about a beat and a half before the car erupted in laughter, and I darn near killed us all because I was laughing too hard to drive.
Today, I showed TikkiDad a cut I got on my thumb. I explained I got it from slicing some cheese in an unsafe manner. He immediately asked if it was sharp cheddar. Of all the dads in the world I get a comedian.
At the office, pre-Christmas. There are cookies and chocolates and other treats that have been brought in to us, and are set out in the lunch room/file room. The maintenance head comes by the office to talk with the property managers. I tell him to get a treat or two from the back to go with his coffee. He’s going to go to an afternoon cocktail party put on by a large commercial tenant, in place of the property manager, um, Brooke, who can’t attend.
He stops by my desk on the way out, and I ask if he got a treat. “Yes,” he replied. “I’m on my way to the party, and I’m taking a tart with me.”
“Oh,” I said. “So Brooke’s going, after all?”
I couldn’t resist. It was just too well set up…
(Brooke is about 30, dresses very well, is very, very attractive, and has had an active dating life.)
When my daughter was around 5, she knocked on our bedroom door, which was locked. Sunday morning, her dad and I were asleep and we wake to this imperious voice “I know what you’re doing in there and it’s wrong!”
I looked at my husband and said “See, I told you that you were doing it wrong.”
If only we *had * been having sex!
I work as a bookkeeper-type. One summer my parents and I went to a cookout where they had a “guess how many jelly beans in the jar” contest. I won and my father was happy to pipe up that of course the beancounter won.
