Funny things you've heard people say.

“So, are you going to have dinner at the carnival tonight?”

“F@*% you! I’m going to church.”

Anybody else overhear stuff like this?

“Cuddle me, bitch!” - actual quote from an ex-boyfriend of mine.

(while on the phone; other party called me)

What’s your phone number?

My son is 3 yrs old and likes the movie “Toy Story”. We have given him several action figures from the movie. One day he walked up to my wife and showed her one stating, “Look Mama, I got a Woody”.

I’ve noticed some of the funniest things said are when you take them out of context of the rest of the conversation. For example:

– You should never French kiss a cat. They have very sharp teeth.

– I like turkey legs, just not on my women.

– I need to get another dog, cuz I’m tired of mine waking me up doing that to me all the time.

These all made sense during the rest of the conversation, but these lines just stuck in my head when I heard them.

Djibouti.

This is more of a funny incident, but when ever I think of the line, I always laugh.

My friend and I were going through a revolving door. I went in first and was waiting for my friend to come through when a guy approached the door as my friend was turning it. She didn’t stop to let him in, and as a result, knocked him a good one with the edge of the door. He stumbled back away from the entrance and waited for my friend to come through all the way. He was standing there, facing sideways and my friend said to him “Whoa! I’m sorry–I didn’t mean to take your arm off!”

As he turned to face her, he said “That’s ok!” and went through the door. But not before we noticed that he only had one arm.

I thought she was going to die!! It was unbelievable!

“It’s my soap, it’s my dick, and I’ll wash it as fast as I want to.”

[sub]Fortunately not overheard in a locker room.[/sub]

At a funeral, the priest was going on and on and on and…well you get my point…about how it was GOD’S GREAT PLAN, whatever. So the funeral’s over and we’re all at the cemetery and I overhear the priest say to a pall bearer or two (and I kid you not) “Shit happens.” I almost died laughing. (No pun intended) I’m not even sure what the priest was referring to when he said that but it just seemed odd for a priest, of all people, to say that at a funeral.

Was this a contributing factor to the “ex” in his title?

I was in a building that had two revolving doors.

As I approached to exit the building, I noticed a large family group using the rightmost revolving door to exit one by one. There were about 6 people waiting in the line to use that door, so I used the left door to exit, which at that point had some people coming in. I heard the mother exclaim in a disgusted tone “She’s using the wrong door!”

I overhear some awesome snippets of conversation every day. Gotta love living in a college town and working at the nexus of downtown and campus. I’ve started to save some of the most random things. One I can recall without looking at my list:

“They use more cameras on a fishing show than they do to record Monday Night football, man.”

Yes, but you see it’s more of a temporal sandwich than a spatial one.

(honest-to-god 100% certified true speech event)

My history teacher once said “I’m always losing things. Especially students’ tests. I can never find those little testes!”

I heard someone testify in court that the Deputies were causing him “defecation” of character. I love that one, because I’ve always figured that the definition of defamation of character was when people are talking shit about you!!

Guy 1 [talking on cell phone]: I’m sick of this shit! I am so sick of it! Yes! I am! Yeah? F#$# you too!
Guy 2: Who was that?
Guy 1: My grandma.

Recently I was traumatized by a comment my mother made. My brother lives in AZ, and she is worried that he has Bi-Polar Disorder. She mentioned my father, who was an alcoholic, and said:

I think he was bi-polar too - the alcohol just masturbated it.

How does one react when their mom says masturbate?! I just started to laugh and she said, “I meant exacerbate.” Oops.

I used to babysit a boy who said that. He would run around the house saying:

“Look at my Woody!”

“Wanna play with my Woody!”

“I have my Woody today! Wanna play?”

etc.

It was soooo funny!

I say stupid things all the time. Some recent slips:

“I’ve got gravy between my legs!” I meant real gravy, from my dinner.

“I’d go talk to him, but I know I’d just blow him.” silence “I mean IT! I’d blow IT!”

How embarrassing. But I am good for a laugh, I guess.

I was sitting down to dinner with my wife and my mother, and mom was asking me all the questions they’d had on Jeopardy to see if I could get them. One was “Who did Marie Antonette(sp)call her electric friend?” Real answer: Benjamin Franklin. But I said, “They hadn’t invented the vibrator back then, so I don’t know.” Mom turned bright red and my wife nearly choked laughing.

The other day a really attractive girl was at the counter looking at the mp3 players in lockup.

I walk up to her, casually lean down on the counter, look her in the eye, and say, “Do you want me to pull it out so you can play with it for a while?”

My coworker managed to make it to the printer aisle before he fell down laughing. I didn’t even notice I said it until he told me later.

–Tim

Mrs. ricepad and I were going out to dinner with her parents, her brother, and her brother’s new girlfriend. While we were looking at the menu, the GF and Mrs. ricepad were talking about their typical appetites. Sara, the GF, said, “You know, usually I don’t eat very much, even when I think I’m hungry. But sometimes when I’m REALLY hungry…”

Brother-in-law jumps in, “Yeah, when she’s REALLY hungry, she can eat ME under the table!”

I looked at Sara, gave her a wink, and said, “Gee, I hope you’re really hungry tonight…I’d like to see that!”