In a pharmacy/drug store, one of the chashiers was on the phone, and I actually heard her say (I think talking about a friend who was in an accident) “She can’t talk good?” She had a southern accent. People like that just make me want to kick a puppy.
“doesn’t the sea look bigger now the tide’s come in?”
and whilst watching the fictional film Species, having swallowed the plot whole, noting that rats in fact cannot smell genetic defects in potential partners, “surely they’re not allowed to lie like that?”
Both courtesy of my better half.
and from a friend with a first class degree in physics,
“which way are the fireworks pointing?” - to which we replied as one voice, “up”.
Overheard in a bus (loudly):
"I’m not saying you’re ignorant I’m just saying you didn’t know!
The Freudian Slip of all time. Spoken by a teenage boy to a group of teenage boys:
“My throat is dry, do you guys have anything I could suck on?”
He said it with a straight face, I swear it.
While my husband was stationed in Aschaffenburg, Germany one of his 1st Sgts informed them in formation that “Effective immediatly, starting next Wednesday…”
I guess they all had a good laugh over that.
One nite while making dinner I had hot grease splatter on me and so I yelled a few choice words and my mother in law came in to see what was going on.
“What happened?”
" I burned my self with grease"
“From the pan?”
“Uh, no from the freezer”
From my son a few weeks after being pulled out from under the car that hit him.
“Hey mom, did you know that the underneith of a car is hot?”
That also counts as an inappropriate time to laugh since he said it while we were in the doctors office in front of the nurse.
All I could say was “no, really Josh?”
The most recent funny thing:
My best friend gave birth to her first child on Wednesday night. While she was in labor, she asked the attending nurse if she could have a mirror so she could see what was going on. The nurse pulls the drape back from the door and sticks her head out and hollers at the gals at the desk: “Can you bring us a mirror from one of the other rooms?”
As she’s pulling her head back, we hear, “This is no time to primp!”
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While parking at LACMA:
“Don’t park this far away…I can’t walk that far, I might break something.” - Friend
“Like what, a sweat?” -Me
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Finally: “This town’s not big enough for you.”
“It was a leadership thing - I had no choice.”
and
During a power outage:
“Hey, Jaime, are your fish working?”
“I don’t know, I’m not an electrician.”
Yes, we can always count on Jaime…
Overheard this one and handled it with my usual grace:
Wandering around a Walgreen’s; an old and very deaf lady comes in with her middle-aged and definitely mentally limited son. She bellows; he just smiles.
Clerk:: Can I help you find something?
Old Lady: YOU GOT A PUBIC STONE?
Clerk: A what?
Old Lady: A PUBIC STONE! A PUBIC STONE!
Dimwitted Son: ::smiles::
Clerk: Uh, I dunno, what is it?
Old Lady:: A PUBIC STONE! YA RUB WITH IT!
Dimwitted son:::smiles somemore::
She meant a pumice stone; I doubled up with laughter, snorted, wheezed and fled the aisle–where karma got me and I knocked into the rack of condoms.
Veb
Setting:
I’m in my kitchen, which has a bar, linoleum floors, and barstools. My husband is in the bathroom adjacent to the kitchen “catching up on his reading”.
I got up from the counter, noisily dragging my barstool across the floor. Thinking it was a loud fart, my husband yelled “Man, was that you farting??” And I yelled “NO! I was moving a stool”. He laughed himself sick over that.
Zette
So I am standing in line at the post office, and the man in front of me is in a black suit. We are in line a long time, and pretty soon he starts gazing around, bored. The guy behind me notices the guy in front of me, and says “Hey, Matt! Hi-why are you all dressed up?” Guy in front says “I just went to a funeral.” Guy in back-“Oh, did somebody die?”
Now, I know that what he meant is did somebody I know die, but I am standing there trying SO hard not to laugh, and I am SO glad I went to the bathroom before I left the office!
Scotti
speaking of wallgreens, my friend was dying his hair green at the house of another friend of mine. we were in the bathroom and the dye was dripping. so the person whose house it was said “hey watch it, your gonna get my wall green” and that was with a completely straight face. then there were about 5 seconds of complete silence before we all started cracking up.
I was taking Mr. Rilch’s temperature when he was sick. He wasn’t too sick to mess with me and move the thermometer around like he was smoking it. I said, “Man, I could never be a nurse; I just don’t have the patience.”
When I lived in Pittsburgh, I’d promised to attend a private screening downtown, but I had to be uptown beforehand. The bus I had to take ran intermittently, and the later one wouldn’t have gotten me there in time. So I took the earlier one, then stood outside the theater eating takeout. A theater worker came out to unlock the doors and set up the box office.
“You’re here early.”
“Well, if I hadn’t been early, I would have been late.”
Friend’s doofus boyfriend rinses out two coffee mugs, then flaps them around, scattering droplets. “I’m drying them out so I can put water in them.”
from the ex-Mrs. BigGiantHead, before I actually met her:
“I swear to you, the word ‘penis’ never entered my mouth… MIND! Never entered my MIND!”
“Rick! Don’t eat Barbie!”
and my all time favorite is with Rick. He was premature by three weeks, my wife had been sick about 7 months of the 8 he was in her. The final night of our childbirth class came on the day Rick was supposed to be born, but instead we show up with Rick. Rick has just finished eating, I was burping, when suddenly, he let us know he’d just discovered a talent. During a somewhat solemn moment in the little graduation cermony, he cut lose a burp which I swear registered a 4 or so on the Richter scale. Everyone looked around at us, and all I could think to say was “You’ll have to excuse him, he’s new.”
Kids.
This one comes from a friend. She was having some dental work done and was confiding to her dentist how much she dreaded the novocaine, particularly the sting of the needle. He suggested they try laughing gas instead. Unfortunately, it made her very queasy. So she handed the gas back to him, saying, “This is awful. I’d rather have a prick in my mouth.”
Once, I was out on a date with this guy, and we’re having drinks while waiting for our table, and the area in which we were having our drinks happened to be next to the bathrooms. One of the high schools in town had a formal dance that night, so there were all sorts of kids running around in their little gowns and tuxedos, so, my date and I started cracking jokes about them. Anyway, so he starts going off on how the girls always adjust their bras as they’re coming out of the bathroom, and he asks me, “Why do women always do that? I mean, I don’t adjust myself in public!” So I say, “yeah, me neither.” (Did I mention this was a first date?) So he kind of laughs and says, “well, feel free to go ahead if you feel the need.” And I, still not getting the joke, say, “Oh sure, I will.”
My all-time top Freudian slip, though, happened when I was working at the Kum & Go. I was behind the counter, doing my thing, which was probably just standing there smoking a cigarette, when this extremely attractive man walks in, I mean, whoa, he was delicious. He sort of wanders the store for a bit, and then he walks up to the counter and says, “Do you have any pop on special?” So I say “Yeah…we have cock on special…uhh…I mean Coke! Yeah, Coke!”
Yesterday at work this happened. There is a female co-worker that sits behind me (back to back, isle running between us. We sit in one of those mass rows of simi-cubicals.) We were working on the same project when she rolls her chair backwards and says at the same time “What are you (slightly muffled)” I just looked at her with an “im sorry, what was that” expression which is not unusual for me because I have lost a small portion of my hearing due to various reasons.
She looks shocked and says “did you just hear what I said?”
I said “No.”, she says “ok good” and turns around.
I just laughed, were pretty good friends so I figure she’ll tell me later. A couple of minutes later she slides back and says,
“Claire (another co-worker) and I had been talking about a male strip review and I was still thinking about it. I ment to say ‘What are you working on’ and instead I said ‘What are you wearing’.”
That struck me as so funny. Later while she was typing away I came up behind her and wispered in her ear “What are you wearing”
That may be my new pick-up line. 
The biggest pain-in-the-butt in the office is having
an operation for hemmoroids. The proctologist is
Dr. White. The big boss knows a different Dr. White.
I’m in big boss’s office. Phone rings. He answers it
on speaker.
Big Boss: Hello.
Dr. White’s office: Is So-and-so there?
BB: No, can I take a message.
Tell him Dr. White’s office called.
Big Boss: Is that Dr. White the veternanian?
I laughed so hard my body was shaking.
Also, once on Meet the Press, Tim Russet inadvently
told Sen. John McCain (who lost a leg in Korea)
“It’s like you’ve gone out on a limb and sawed it
off.” Everything went dead silent, and he repeated
the statement. Finally, Sen. McCain said “Someone
did that for me.” Oh, the joys of live TV.
I’ve told this once before a few months ago, but I still think it’s funny:
When my brother and I were kids my grandfather had taken us out to Dairy Queen in his truck. On the way home he was drinking his strawberry shake (driving his customary 25-20 miles an hour) and we noticed the truck slowly creeping to the side of the road, then to the shoulder, then we watched with horror as we tilted into the ditch and a tree branch went jutting past our faces. My brother and I looked at each other in shocked horror and my grandfather set down his milkshake, put the truck in first gear, drove out of the ditch and muttered: “I’m gonna have to stop doin’ that!”
Isn't it Kerrey that lost the leg? Wasn't Mc Cain the beaten shoulders in Viet Nam?I have been waiting years for a place to use this one.
I was on the college campus and as I passed by two girls talking I overheard one say:
“I just can’t understand their relationship. Yesterday they were saying ‘F*ck you’ to each other and today they’re sleeping together!”