Overheard in public

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

On the commute home by train last night, I overheard a lovely little snippet of conversation that was almost good enough to make into a three-panel web comic.

It took place between a young male (maybe 17) - a bit of a motormouth, who sat down next to a probably slightly younger female - obviously already acquainted, but I got the impression she would rather have been left alone to read her book.

**Male: **(blah. blah. blah, Me, Me, Me)… but I’m not really a judgemental person. I’m not quick to judge at all…
Female: Oh, I am, I…
**Male: **(Interrupting) Oh, I know you are.
ETA: This thread is for everyone to contribute snippets of interesting, amusing or bewildering conversation overheard in public…

2

I’ve mentioned this in another thread. Two women in line behind me in the supermarket checkout. One says to the other:

“Isn’t it a coincidence, our Lord Jesus was born right on Christmas day.”

Someone should tell her that he wasn’t.

3

I’ve posted this on SDMB before, but it’s so good I’ll do it again. Years ago I took a cross-country train trip. While riding in the club car I saw a tough-looking guy drinking a beer across the aisle from me. His son, who appeared to be around four years old, was with him.

I overheard the following exchange:

Kid: Daddy, hide it!

Guy: What?

Kid: Daddy, put that away!

Guy: What are you talking about?

Kid: But Daddy, the cop will get you!

Guy: I’m not driving. There’s no cop. Now be quiet!

Kid: Daddy?

Guy: What?

Kid: Is the cop going to put you in jail?

Guy: I told you there’s no cop. How can you remember that? You were only two years old.

Kid: Daddy?

Guy: What?

Kid: Are you going to throw the cop in the water?

Guy: There’s no cop! Now be quiet!

Kid: Daddy, why did you throw the cop in the water?

Guy: Well, the cop made Daddy mad, so Daddy picked him up and threw him in the river.

4

A few random snippets of conversations I’ve overheard at the grocery store;

“Don’t they have any non-Illuminati yogurt?”

“Fishsticks? I was KIDNAPPED and I ate fishsticks!”

“Kosher salt? Naw. That’s just Jew salt. Ain’t no different.”

“You’re lucky you’re my cousin and I love you.”
“Yeah, well you’re lucky my boyfriend loves you and is your boyfriend also.”

5

In the supermarket, just this lunchtime:

“All mushrooms are poisonous to some extent. I’m just saying. I know people buy these and eat them, but I’m playing safe. They might be a little bit poisonous.”

Perfectly ordinary white mushrooms. WTF?

6

Overheard in a restaurant in Kentucky: “He was my cousin. I married his uncle so I became his aunt.”

7

Girl 1: I like these toasters!
Girl 2: Yes, although the red one wouldn’t go with my kitchen. I like the black one.
Girl 1: (sotto voce) Racist

8

Two crackheads arguing in the alley behind my apartment.

Female: “I love you!”

Male: “Oh yeah? Well then who did you suck off last?”

Female: “I told you about that! He gave me crack then MADE me suck him off!”

9

Two guys talking on the train, one asks the other how it’s going since his female roommate moved out. Roommate-less guy says, “I miss her. It used to smell nice, like that stuff, you know, potpourri - and kitchen cooking. Now it just smells like old socks.”

10

My favorite one has always been while on the train. Ahead of me a middle aged guy was mumbling to another guy about something or other until, with a sigh he leans back and says loud enough to hear, “I need more tables in my life.”

11

Overheard in a nice restaurant, a few years ago, when the economy was going downhill fast. During one of those brief lulls in the background noise we heard, clear as a bell, a plaintive voice say:

“I don’t want to lose my junk-ass job!”

We still use that one when talking about work stuff.

12

“…and by the time you’re done with that, your arm is sore and your ass is sore!”

Heard wafting out of the mechanics’ building at my last job.

13

I supply these more than I overhear them.

My wife and I were buying a coffee table at Target years back:

“Do you like this one?”

“It’s fine.”

“What about this other one though?”

“That’s fine too. It’d work.”

“But do you REALLY LIKE this one? I want you to be excited about it”

“Look, I don’t need to take a cold shower over it, but YES, it is the best one, can we go now?”

14

A friend of mine overheard these words of wisdom on a mountain bike trail in Colorado years ago:

Mountain Biker 1 - “Dude, I think I got too much air on that last jump!”
Mountain Biker 2 - “You can’t get hurt while you’re in the air.”

15

Once I was in Target and overheard two young teenage girls in the clothing section:

“What do you think about this top?”
“Um, I don’t think you’re really popular enough to wear that.”

A little part of me died.

16

At the Shakespeare Festival: “This is stupid! Nobody is going to believe that chick is a dude. Look at the tits on that Fuck-Animal!”

17

And he was back out of prison in less than 2 years? Wow.

18

I’m sure I’ve posted it before but it’s still my favourite.

I was out running and two guys on rollerblades overtook me, one on either side. I heard on of them say “…well it was a BIG suitcase and I don’t know how long rigor mortis…” aaaand they were gone. :eek:

19

That explains your username.

20

This happened many years ago, but it stuck with me. Two teenage guys overheard at the pastry counter of a supermarket, one of them contemplating a sign.

TG1: What’s a ‘baker’s dozen’?

TG2: Twelve, stupid!