I have a confession to make. My name isn’t really Demo. It’s not Democritus for that matter, either. My name is actually ÐnßæŠÅgrba. Don’t even try to pronounce it. I am actually from what you humans call the spiral galaxy X34. Yes, now you understand why I make so many spelling errors, not being of your world and all.
The reason I tell you this now is because I have decided to destroy all of humanity. I will use something I created in my lab to kill you all. I call it the flesh-eating virus, and it affects only humans. If that doesn’t work, I will just use my Big-Ass Laser ™, and wipe out the whole planet. I came to this planet approximately 4700 Earth years ago to observe your race and report back to my home world. Since that time, all I have seen is the human race become more and more agressive towards your fellow humans while, at the same time, slowly but surely destroying your own planet. Yes, I have become fond of some of you but, frankly, as a race, you are a bunch of ignorant, violent, bigotted fartlickers.
So, I am giving you one last chance to redeem yourselves. Tell me why I shouldn’t destroy you. I will be deaf to pleading and excuses; Nor tears nor prayers shall purchase out abuses, therefore use none. (Heh, I always wanted to say that. Old Willie was a gas.)
You have 72 hours.
Don’t eradicate the human race until halfway through October, 'kay? Thanks. I’m looking forward to smoochies under the stars in the Boundary Waters in August and smoochies by moonlight at the reflecting pool in DC in October. Let me get those smoochies, and then you can go ahead with your intergalactic highway construction.
Actually, if you could push the whole destruction thing back until the end of next January? I’m still convinced the Minnesota Vikings will pull it off, and given that this is Cris Carter’s last year, what better time for him to catch the Super Bowl winning touchdown in overtime and give the Vikes their first title? C’mon, you KNOW you want to see that too.
Come to think of it, would it be a problem to hold off the pain and the killing and the horror and the screaming HEY LADY until next May? Laura’s lease is expiring in April and then she’ll move in with me, and that’ll be even more fun and games. I’d like to be alive for that, if possible.
Or, hey, let’s make a deal- I promised my friends that I’d be engaged by the end of 2003, and said that if I weren’t engaged, they could break my legs. Let’s one-up that wager, and say that if I haven’t proposed by the end of 2003, you can wipe out the globe. That’s even more incentive, y’think?
But then, I’d like to have a year or three of wedded bliss, and then maybe a kid someday … I’m not asking much, am I? I mean, if you’ve been here for 4700 years, what’s the problem with waiting just another 50? Or 100?
I refuse to believe that Michael Bennett will rush and receive for anything less than 2500 yards combined this year. I also refuse to believe that Randy Moss will continue to be an inane immature whining brat.
Yeah, that whole Curtis Enis thing worked out great for the Bears, huh?
Oh, back on subject- see, this is a great reason not to destroy the Earth. There’s so much fun to be had with Chicago sports teams!
sitting in bed on Sunday morning, reading the paper and drinking coffee, jumping off a floating dock into a river and not hitting plough mud, going to see your favorite band for free, turning the sprinkler on for the lawn and then realizing it’s just too damn hot not to run through it once, going to the movie store and finding the one movie you want just got returned, ice cream, seeing cute babies start screaming then realizing they’re not yours, finding a boxful of tapes in your attic and being able to play all the old compilations you made in high school, cheezy 80’s songs on the radio when you’re driving that you can sing a long to, finding out that karma in all its goodness has come back to whoop ass on that bastard/b*tch you finally got the courage to leave, and a tall glass of your favorite beverage, (beer, oj, water, whatever) a good book, and a hammock on a warm afternoon under an oak tree.
Sorry it’s run this long… Just wrote what I was thinking, and didn’t really feel like going back to fix it…