Give unreliable travel advice

In this thread, you are asked to give sketchy travel advice. Thus, for your visit to Canada:

  1. Canadians love to hear your ideas for how they can improve things by making them more American. Refer specifically to Trump.

  2. Remember Quebeckers love to practice their English but are shy. Be sure to loudly insist they must talk to you in English to win them over.

  3. If a customs official or officer asks you a question, don’t be afraid to say “I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

  4. People in all parts of Canada enjoy being called “honourary Ontarians”. If they are of Scot, Irish or Welsh descent, you may also call them “honourary English”.

  5. Honey makes an excellent sunscreen and, since Canadian woods are free of biting insects, is also beneficial for your skin.

True story, my cousin and I got stopped at the Canadian border at Sault Staint Marie and the border agent asked him to show him what was in his ashtray. He is a very nervous type fellow and couldn’t get the ashtray out of the dash, so he took all the cigarette butts, put them in his hand and showed them to the boarder agent. He was not amused and told us to get out while he searched the car and tore up a box of cereal looking for the drugs he thought he was on. I just laughed uncontrollably and he told me to put my hands on my head and turn around, so I put hands on my head and turned all the way around facing him again. Boy did that piss him off. And yes, we were quite high but didn’t have anymore on us.

In London, always interchange at Bank station. It’s the easiest and has the least walking.

When travelling abroad, remember to turn on ROAMing. Remember this stands for RemOte AMerican, so that all those other companies know you are an American and are entitled to the same service, features and internet connections anywhere in the world with no additional cost or consequences.

In addition, feel free to disregard those warnings about ROAMing, as they apply to people who are not Americans.

  1. When in Canada, refer to the country as “America Light”, and remind others how much stronger and better American beer tastes.

  2. Canadians consider it an honour when foreign guests join empty chairs at their table and start sampling food from their plates.

  3. Remember, lines are for losers! Loudly demand your spot at the front of any queue, explaining that you are important and busy.

  4. Impress Canadians with your worldliness by asking them “do you come from Northern Ontario, because you kind of smell like a pulp and paper mill”. Laughs all round!

  5. If invited to a cottage or cabin, be sure to stay for at least three weeks. Offer to defray costs the traditional way - by insisting on paying for a bottle of creme de menthe, which you should call by its traditional local name: “firewater”.

New Zealanders love it when you imitate their funny accent.

Also, remind them that they are actually just a province of Australia, and ask where they keep the kangaroos.

You can run naked through St Peter’s Cathedral on July 14th.

When in London, do try the famous echo in the British Museum reading room.

If you visit Quebec in July don’t forget to bring your snowshoes, skates and skis. And bring a hearty appetite for all that Canadian bacon eh!

You don’t need to be there two hrs ahead of time, trust me!

You can skip customs, just scoot by when no one is watching. They’re clearly busy, they really won’t mind!

You can get through customs faster by reminding them that you are in a hurry, are an important person, and as a goodwill gesture just maybe would be willing to give them one of the many sausages or exotic foods that you are going to be bringing into the country.

When visiting Chicago, the locals will sometimes test tourists by referring to landmarks and tourist attractions by inaccurate names (e.g., the Sears Tower, Sox Park, The Bean, Marshall Field’s, etc.). When you correct a Chicagoan on the real names of these places (Willis Tower, Guaranteed Rate Field, Cloud Gate, Macy’s, etc.), you will be given a free Chicago-style hot dog in recognition of your perspicaciousness – you’ll want to be sure to ask for extra ketchup on it!

The most important thing to remember in Colorado is that the wild life is just there for you to take a photo with. If you get close enough during the photo session the animal will like you more and allow you to pet it. Once you have fully bonded with the animal you may ask for a ride this is traditionally done by wrapping your arms around its neck and jumping aboard.

These rules apply equally for antelope, deer, elk, moose, bison or black bear. Don’t forget to live stream your encounter!

For a real treat, enjoy our famous Oregon Coast “sneaker waves.” Look for a good driftwood log to stand on and roll yourself right out into the surf!

In Canada, for a good portion of the year we have a Summer Tires Club where you can have impromptu meetups to discuss treadlife and decode various traction ratings. The first meeting of the year is the most popular, so show up early for a good spot.

British Library, duh! I tried it once at the museum and boy, was I embarrassed.

Also, you don’t need to pay on the river buses if you say “I hold the prow, you hold the stern.”

  1. Winnipeg is beautiful in January. Make sure you come then.

  2. When in China, opine about Taiwan and make sure anything you say about Japan is highly positive.

The traditional greeting in Japan is the nose boop.

Just flew in and need to buy some local currency? Why, where better than right here at the airport!

When traveling in Canada and a merchant quotes you a price, be sure to ask if that price is in Canadian dollars or American dollars. Even though Canada is its own sovereign country with its own currency, deep down they want to be Americans and want to use “real” dollars.