Best of luck and clear white light to you, Mapache!
Whoa, that is really heavy, I’m sorry to hear that. I think what you’re doing is a great way to get settled in the end of this life. It’s your own journey and I have no business giving you advice on it, but if you really want to do a deep-dive into yourself, your own psyche and spirituality, might I suggest ibogaine. It’s legal pretty much everywhere except the US, and there are some reputable treatment centers in both Mexico and Canada. I found it to be a much more individual and grounding experience than the astral/universal journeys you sometimes get from other psychedelics… an extremely deep journey into the self, but with volatile emotions temporarily suspended so you can see them objectively. You’d need a clean EKG as well as a liver workup though.
I’ve read the thread, and have had experience with entheogens (Thanks Johanna, for using that very good term), and wasn’t going to answer due to time constraints.
But,Mapache, you cracked that nut. Entheogen, as opposed to psychedelic, refers to a substance that puts the human mind in a state to encounter the divine. In my long ago experience, LSD was a rather rough way to encounter the world; lots of intense mental connections and snappy visuals, with a janky comedown period, like crashing back into everyday reality, and harsh on your body. Mushrooms were much more , hmm, synergetic with the body, lots of giggles at first, but then glimpses of transcendence, profound insight into situation, and with a way easier re-entry period.
I think Transcendence might be the best operative term here. That can come in so many ways:from Whirling Dervish Sufi dance, to chanting mantrams, to African drumming and dance, to Western monastic isolation: apparently, there is some mechanism in the human mind for a profound transcendence of ordinary being.
I’ve had glimpses through those other avenues, but psylocibin brought that on quicker. Transcedence is, well, just weird. It does bring an incredible sense of connection with the greater world, and the profound sense lasts a good while, and can instigate change, but fades with time. The goal of spiritual course and practice is to get there and not let it fade.
Some terms used for transcendence are ; Ineffable, and the Peace that passeth all understanding. In my tiny mere glimpses, I have found that to be true: it’s a state that there are no words for, it’s beyond language, and language seems to be a cartoon in that state.
What is missing in Western culture is the tradition of a guide/master/lama/shaman, who knows that state of mind, and can help a person recognize what’s happening, and help to understand it. Other cultures have that tradition, and a beautiful means of having an knowledgeable elder guide a person through their experience, and acknowledging it, listening, and giving support. I don’t see this a superstition at all; it’s common sense human support.
In that light, Mapache, I hope you find the best guide to help you transcend your difficulty, gain knowledge, and heal. We don’t know at all, at all, yet, the capabilities of mind, but we’ll get there.