When they get too brown to eat I chuck them, skin and all, in the freezer. They’re kind of gelatinous when thawed and make fabulous banana bread. I’ve also peeled them while still frozen and put them in the blender with yogurt for a pretty good smoothie-type drink. I never tried thawing them in the microwave however. Maybe better poke a hole in the skin if you do.
Rhizomes…cuttings…close enough. I’m a genetics guy, not a botanist. 
It’s asexual, is the point.
If you’re wishing for more fruits with a texture and taste like that of banana, just buy more bananas!
OK, maybe not, but I’d recommend you try custard apples (cherimoya etc) - they are not really anything like bananas in shape, taste or texture, but if you like one, you’ll quite possibly like the other.
Trunk, from the description of your cast-iron monkey, I offer the guess that you are using it for its intended purpose. We had one (or at least, something that fits your excellent description) in the house where I grew up, and that’s how we used ours. This is just a guess, of course: for all I know it could be a Sears-Roebuck, seven-inch, cast-iron, monkey-shaped dog-strangler. Or drawer-ballast, even.
As for the OP, sometimes a banana is just a banana. But if you want an easy-to-peel, non-juice-squirting version of an orange, try tangerines.